I was the victim of violent crimes including stalking and sex crimes while in Graduate school at McMaster University while in my mid-20s, if you have any information, please report it to the police as I am desperate for answers. I am now considered a disabled person as I live in chronic pain and have little injuries all over my body and an anxiety disordered because I was sexually assaulted, domestically abused, slandered, and gang-stalked. I did not complete grad school because I was a victim of multiple crimes.
(If you have any information about who was stalking me or are another victim of one of the men I was a victim of please contact the Durham Ontario Canada police NOT Toronto, the Toronto Police will do nothing if you contact them about me. I've lived in Brooklin, Ontario, Canada since 2003 although away most weekdays studying at various universities until 2009.)
As a victim of a group of narcisistic-sociopaths while a grad student at McMaster University in Hamilton but on student co-op at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre as an information management resident (completely different from being a medical person, it was a student job for business admin majors with experience in an office job) in Toronto I was sexually assaulted when I was too intoxicated to consent to sex in 2007 by 2 men shortly after ending a long term abusive dating relationship but of course these men all want to believe they are studs who were having fun sex with a consenting university student and cannot possibly see what they did was wrong leading to long term emotional trauma to their victim. If you know what I am talking about and you were also a victim of one of these men please come forward as I've been told that if another victim comes forward they will likely go to prison. I reported to the Hamilton police what happened in April 2008 and that report does not exist but one or more of the men went to a different police department a month later to launch compaints about me after he was already reported. That is what happens when you are assaulted by narcissists: They are so self-absorbed and egotistical that they think they are studs and macho men and that what they did is okay. I withdrew from McMaster's MBA program twice and did not graduate as a direct result of the trauma of being a sex crimes and stalking victim. There is nothing wrong with my perception, the problem is their perception that what they did was okay, I mean even in the court documents one of the men stated that there was no relationship it was just sex and he had a girlfriend, how much more proof do they need or is it just that I not the kind of girl you date or marry just good for sex and the cops are okay with that statement with the complete inability to see I was and still am a young woman dreaming of her first real job, her wedding day and all her friends' weddings and of being a mother like most of the other university girls? I really went on a co-op job and moved from a student house near McMaster's campus to Toronto and things were fine when I did that, I moved into a super cute student sublet and was happily newly single and having fun partying with my friends, talking with them about how much I loved my student job and never thought I would like it that much, and looking for new love, I even had the opportunity to interview my replacement but they kept me on for 4 more months instead of hiring anyone else, it was like a dream come true that was shattered by unstable sociopaths.... (maybe mentally ill ugly narcisistic mcmaster students or a luntic faculty member who searched for ways to abuse their fixation out of delusions??? your guess is as good as mine...)
♥ Although I was born in Canada and so were several generations of my family dating back to the 1800s, I am distantly of half-Ukrainian and half-British/Scottish/Irish decent and proud of my cultural heritage! ♥
One of the men who was investigated for sexually assaulting me told me that every single person in his family was of scottish decent, the other was a practicing jewish man, I hope what happened to me were not hate crimes towards a ukrainian or christian girl.
Also, as I am 32, single, never been married or lived with a boyfriend, I am looking for love and a boyfriend as complicated as that might be for someone in my situation because I want to be married and have kids. (The years after age 26 have been a disaster as a direct result of my being assaulted, stalked, then subjected to various forms of harassment and violence after those events in addition to the emotional trauma. I am now disabled in part because of being chronically traumatized by violence commited towards me to the extent doctors decided I am not capable of working. Any man willing to date me has to be very patient and compassionate and be prepared to put up with my paranoias and fears and when I sometimes become traumatized again and practically catatonic and when that happens I do one of two things, I can't stop telling people what happened or I just disappear into my own little world and bake some cakes and go shopping and to the gym and forget to reply to all my phone calls or emails sometimes for months, because I am disabled from being traumatized and physical injuries making sleeping hard because I have chronic left leg pain.)
As of March 2013 Doctors decided that I am a disabled person and unable to work due to my disabilities until atleast March 2015 as they believe my disabilities might improve. My disabilities include: chronic left hip and ankle pain and lower back discomfort resulting in sleeping problems due to pain (I've been offered injections of nerve blockers but rejected them due to side effects that I am scared of having), left eye traumatic optic neuropathy from head trauma, complex allergies to chemicals and skin marks, psychological injuries and anxieties from traumatizing events and even a psychiatrist who believes I might have had episodic delusions around a traumatic event because he says I truly believe I am sexuallt assaulted and stalked and terrororized and injured but he doesn't think it really happened because it was all a delusion and so the men who I claim abused me in his opinion are just delusions. Seriously. Lack of sleep and anxiety are my biggest problems in my opinion and I'd like to be able to see clearly from my left eye at all times which doctors have told me is possible with the correct lenses just like any person who wears glasses but it takes a lot of trials and error for all my problems. I think that it's unfortunate there are so many people who discriminate against those who are disabled in Canada, People who are disabled are not welfare recipents refusing to work, they are people who didn't have disability insurance at their work place when injured or when they became sick or people who were born or became handicapped restricting their mobility, mental capacity, or daily function preventing them from working long term temporarily or permanently, disability is in no way welfare, it's to provide dignity to people who are incapacitated wheras welfare is for those who refuse to work or cannot find work but are able bodied. Many people who are disabled are well educated and hard working individuals who want to work and had great careers or career goals but for whatever reason they were rendered unable to perform their day-to-day tasks because of injury or illness, that is a very different thing. In my situation I was in graduate school at one of the best universities in Canada working hard to get a well paying job and find love to be a wife and mother but I was injured and even while injured I continued to want to go back to school and find work and was unable to find work then further injured and I was told by a professional that obviously with all my medical appointments I was clearly not able to work and should talk with my doctor about applying for disability so I could have some income instead of relying on my parents until hopefully my physical and psychological injuries resolved or stabilized. You might think it's ridiculous I decided to spend my income on housewares some might see as silly instead of a vacation, but really that is what I need and lets me live out some of my silly domestic 1950s housewife dreams so that hopefully I don't have to worry about those things if my disabilities resolve by 2015 as predicted. (Some of the best and the brightest are disabled in Canada and it's not their choice and sometimes rest is the best solution for at least the short term just like if you keep picking at a scab you'll get a permanent scar, at least it's better to let people heal then watch them bang their head against a wall repeatedly until they off themself in frustration...)
I have a trauma disorder because I never recovered from being sexually assaulted and gang stalked in my mid 20s before I even got thru university or my first job or married or had the financial ability to take care of myself and instead of getting the emotional, medical, legal, and financial support I needed my perpetrators went on a rampage making my life even more difficult and now I am a disabled person as a direct result of being a victim of a series of unsolved crimes.
I think part of the reason I was not helped and I was further abused is that I was a student when these things happened to me dependent on my parents financially and student loans and low paying student jobs to pay for tuition and books for university and other student expenses and the men who assaulted me and some of the people harassing me had well-paying jobs and the people who they contacted to defend them wanted to be friends with people who had well-paying jobs and money not poor university students who have nothing to offer them and cannot buy expensive things or take fancy vacations or go out to expensive events or concerts or donate money to their organizations or kids and are still dependent on their parents. I didn't have a well-paying job and I probably will never have a well-paying job, the people who they contacted all want to be friends with rich successful people and I have never been either.
As a victim of a group of narcisistic-sociopaths I was sexually assaulted when I was too intoxicated to consent to sex in 2007 by 2 men shortly after ending a long term abusive dating relationship. If you know what I am talking about and you were also a victim of one of these men please come forward as I've been told that if another victim comes forward they will likely go to prison. I reported to the Hamilton police what happened in April 2008 and that report does not exist but one or more of the men went to a different police department a month later to launch compaints about me after he was already reported.
Unfortunately as a direct result of being the victim of violent crime and stalking, I've been the victim of further violence probably perpetrated by the same people who gang stalked me or their friends and relatives and had an aunt request that I remove my online profile concerned it was damaging to anyone in my social circle, I don't have a social circle. That's the reality of life for someone like me.
I think it's important to note that when I received my admission letter to a Master's Degree at McMaster in 2006 at age 24 it was like a dream come true for me, like the start of my fairytale happily ever after, I guess it was more the feeling people get when accepted in their their undergrad of choice (probably because I'd had a lot of bad things happen when I was in high school and in my early 20s), my fantasy was that I would go off to grad school at one of Canada's best universities, where my parents both have degrees, and I'd meet my prince charming, we'd have a wedding on campus and live happily ever after, but that was the farthest thing from what happened for me and a really naive fantasy for a 24 year old. The day my letter arrived in the mailbox here in Brooklin was really the happiest day of my life by age 24, then when I walked into class, there were so many good looking single men I thought I died and went to heaven... then tragedy struck and evil destroyed my happy little dream come true...
Unfortunately I was the victim of sex crimes, but worse than that, gang-stalking, a crime wherby a group of people target an individual and terrorize them and collectively do things like damage their property and watch them. From what I've read sometimes the group will terroize their victim using electronic means other times they will not. There are support networks for victims of this type of crime all over the internet and from what I've read most of the victims have been called crazy before any action was taken if any to stop the violence. I just don't understand why any adult could be so sick that they would commit this type of crime unless they have severe mental health problems and participate with others who are equally mentally ill. I did read about this, but knew very little about it until like 5 years ago, but a police detective I met with several years ago in his office told me I was the victim of gang-stalking, he used that term. I just don't understand how any adult could be so violent towards someone for basically membership in a gang of mentally unstable half-wit-low-life-lunatics. I mean wouldn't it make more sense to join a maffia where at least in the process of commiting a crime you are making a lot of money? In banding together for drug trafficking or selling counterfeit goods you could live like royalty, a much more profitable crime which would be a much easier way to raise your social status affording you luxury goods and fancy cars and homes rather than damaging those belonging to others, or did you complety miss that simple concept? What could possibly be the point of isolating a person, terroizing them, damaging their life and belongings, and essentially attempting to murder them without actually commiting it yourself then moving on to the next target? I mean really, maffias don't like someone, they shoot them and dump the body and move on, they don't waste time, money, and energy with plan to eventually lead to that person's distruction, there is no profit in that, it's a waste of time and effort. There is no capital gain, none what so ever other than popularity amongst most likely a narly looking group of mentally unstable half-wit-low-life-lunatics. Where is your brain? What do you have for brains?
I had so many different things going on from summer 2007 to february 2008... I really don't know why but I was getting so thin and sick and had a stalker and the other stuff...all of a sudden after years of being lactose intolerant after catching c.deficile after my wisdom teeth were removed while in 3rd year at OCAD suddenly in about august 2007 I was no longer lactose intolerant, it was like a miracle after years of carrying lactaid pills in my purse at all times and drinking soy milk products. In addition to talking about the stalker stuff with a doctor at McMaster I was trying to gain 5 pounds and talked about it before she wrote the weird stuff in my file. But she said my platlets were the lowest they should be from a blood test and told me to eat huge amounts of broccoli and steak together to absorb the most iron and I ate like 500 calorie muffins and carnation instant breakfast with homo milk and eggs and a banana for breakfast every day for the rest of the semester while trying to grade papers and get my assignments done, I put grading the papers first because I was paid $39/hour to do it 10 hours per week. The doctor gave me seroquel for insomnia when I went to her because I hadn't been able to sleep in about 2 weeks, the problem being my friends and I were trying to figure out who was sending the messages and why because at first we thought I had a secret admirer then it turned violent and told me about my day and weird and disturbing, as a former friend commented "charming quickly turned to creepy" and when it read lock your door I'm gonna rape you among other things I lost it and ran downstairs and one of my male roomates said, OMG I saw I'm gonna rape you on my computer too! and we ran around the student house checking all the windows and we missed the very important idea that maybe we should call the police I guess that is what happens when you are traumatized, the most sensible solution does not come to you, so anyways she gave me the drugs I was scared to take them and a classmate invited me to go to his apartment to talk about it, so I did but that after noon I'd been told by McMaster to delete my email account with all the communication with the man the police allowed to take me to court and the ex boyfriend who was harassing me by email and I did close it along with my facebook page which they also told me to close, and my phone rang, in february, from the door buzzer from the student apartment I lived in at 396 Avenue Road in Toronto while on co-op and there was NO ONE THERE just like what happened all semester while on co-op, and my friend took the phone and started yelling in it but the person never answered, it was like a horror movie, THEN my phone rang again and that time it was a man I'd already asked to leave me alone in summer 2007 who was in our program and he used 2 names and told me he planned to have lots of premarital but no post marital sex with me and I was scared and my friend took the phone and told him to leave me alone but he hung up, and I was so scared, 2 calls the same day I closed things, I was terrified, so anywaysI took the drugs and it knocked me out for like up to 18 hours at a time and I needed like 5 cups of coffee just to stay awake, I took it for 45 days from february to march 2008 then stopped and when I stopped I went to the police to report my stalker in April 2008 then the doctor gave me ciprolex because I was not depressed but I couldn't stop crying hysterically and she said it would help and that caused all kinds of other memory and emotion problems until March 2009 when I stopped taking it, making me realize the impact of those kinds of medication on your mind and body. But what bothers me is that the administration at mcmaster did nothing even when I was clearly physically sick and distressed when I went to speak with them in addition to my insomia. I was feeling so sick physically in february 2008 that I almost fainting in class during a group presentation and my peer put his arm out to catch me and I sat down, that clearly couldn't possibly be the result of a mental health problem, I only completed 2 of the 5 classes I registered for and handed in work late to one of the two but managed to get an A and a B regardless. I don't know what was wrong with me but I do know I've had some of the same types of physical symtoms return since after periods of recovery where I felt perfectly healthy again and looked healthy then all of a sudden experienced things like hair loss or weight loss or my lips of fingers turning blue or numbness and then I slowly recover as if I am exposed to a toxin and doctors have found no source other than my allergies.
I could only wish I had a "break from reality" typical supposedly according to psychiatrists for people who have schizophrenia, and clearly a VERY EASY WAY FOR POLICE TO FREE MEN FOR RAPE, but I was traumatized after being raped by 2 men before I even finished grad school or got my first real full-time non-student job. I was raped, I was harassed, resulting in being traumatized, and that is exactly what happened to me. I had a very bright future BEFORE I was raped and BEFORE I was stalked and BEFORE the police abused me so that rapists could walk free. No one did anything special to help me, only to abuse me after I made my statements that I was raped and stalked and when I was so traumatized I couldn't stop begging for help, instead of reassuring me I would be helped and to calm down, I was charged for harassing the police, I was raped, I was stalked, and instead of being offered what I needed to calm down and have closure and move on, my life was destroyed by further violence by the very people our society pays to help victims of crime, instead of arresting any of the people I reported for actual crimes they commited towards me over my life, real things that happened to me or that they told me they did, the police rewarded each one of them or at least someone did with a hand up in life. That is what really happens when you report criminals in canada. The criminals are given permission to abuse their victims. The police gave one of the men who raped me a job. That is what they do. That is how corrupt the police are in Canada. Canada is not a safe country for women, it's a dangerous country for women. I was raped, I've been domestically abused, I've been stalked by more than one person male and female, I've been bullied, and I've had violent people do lots of sick things ot me in my life, and no one did a thing to make it better, no one offered me a job or any opportunities only abuse in the court system, my body is disabled now and so is my mind because I was raped and stalked, it's not like I had a little accident and a supportive group of people who helped me get on with my life, I was slandered by rapists, medical providers, and the police, I don't have any real life friends because I was raped and stalked, I've never been invited to a friend's wedding because I was raped and stalked. That is my real life. No one wants a woman who was raped and stalked for a wife or to work for them or in their classroom, people just slap and marginalized label on them and want to toss them in the trashbin. I will NEVER forget that I was raped and stalked and I will NEVER forgive the men who raped me or the people who abused me for them and I will NEVER forgive the police who tortured me for the freedom of rapists, I cannot and I will not ever forgive them for what they did to me after I was raped and stalked and traumatized for being raped and stalked, that isn't somehting you ever forgive, I don't have a hero I can thank, I don't have anyone who rescued me, I just have monsters in uniforms who lied and manipulated and abused me so that they could let violent people walk free. I don't have any heros, I just have a group of absolutely horrible self absorbed people who have absolutely no ability to see the difference between right and wrong only the benefit to themselves and their social group and I cannot ever forgive any of them and I never will. Maybe some really abusive law-enforcement people have a fantasy that I've been having so much fun since they abused me in the court system for rapists to walk free, that is the very last thing, I have been so traumatized I can barely function day to day, I can't concentrate for long periods, at least I can watch a half hour TV show now without spacing out and staring into the distance and missing completely the story line and rewinding like 20 times and it taking like 3 hours to watch a 30minute program. In my perception the police who took me to court are the bad guys who abuse sex crime victims and I am their hostage and I am completely petrified of them, if they have fantacies other wise they need to be fired, I already can't believe there are police who arrest women who've been raped and stlaked for begging for help or reporting crimes she's been a victim of, they didn't even do anything about any of the other things I told them about, they didn't care, I am not even a person, my body and my life have no rights in Canada according to the police. A victim who sends harassing emails to a rapist is treated worse than the rapist.
This just came to me on November 26th 2013 after reading some online articles on victim blaming: So a pervy psychiatrist and a couple of doctors and a young pregnant crown attorney more concerned with defending the men's reputations and keeping the jerks who abused me out of prison then giving me, the victim, closure diagnosed me as having a mental illness that prevents me from having a normal grasp of reality. If this is true and I do not have the mental capacity to understand reality and that sex is not rape but a consensual act between adults that I did indeed consent to but my mental illness prevented me from seeing it was consensual would that not mean, under the laws of consent, that I was raped because I lack the mental capacity to consent to sex? There are laws in Canada that state a person cannot consent to sex if they are under the influence of alcohol or lack the mental capacity to understand what sex is. And so not only was I under the influence of alcohol given to me either by being purchased or handed to me at a party, according to the very doctors making claims I am delusional and was not assaulted but believed the act of sex was rape validated and 100% confirmed in that statement that I lack the mental capacity to consent to sex and thus as I am a handicapped woman who was raped because I cannot say yes to sex because I don't know the difference between sex and rape. Furthermore, if the rumours are true and the men in the MBA program all thought I still looked like and acted like an underage teenager in my mid-20s, not only would that make the men who had sex with me rapists confirming they had sex with a woman who they believed had the mental capacity of an underaged girl but that they have fantacies about sex with children (as confirmed to me while I as fooling around with a man I was dating in 2010 who also was a McMaster MBA and he blurted out when he was turned on what he wanted to do to my, paraphrased and censored here, "Hot Teenaged Lady-parts." after he took me on a few dates then he told me he didn't think we had what it takes to have a relationship after telling me he was my boyfriend before we fooled around...I mean when I went to report sexual assault at a police station in Toronto in early 2009, I went to the front desk and told the receptionist I wanted to report a sexual assault very quietly without my name or age, he told me to wait in a room and brought youth detectives into the room to speak with me who deal with underaged people.. I was 27) and lived out those fantacies on an intoxicated woman's body who they had absolutely no intention of having a relationship with, as confirmed by statements in court documents such as "it was just sex".
I know this is just an idea, but I have this weird feeling that one of the police officers in Toronto who participated in arresting me might have been watching me as a teenager or university student when I lived in North York. I really didn't even notice police cars or where police stations were even when I walked by one to university, it was completely insignificant to me. But in my last year of high school my friends and I would drive down or take the subway down to buy candy at lunch hour a block from the police station in Toronto that arrested me at 27 and started to contact me at 26, I would hang out a block from there in jeans with fun fur sewn on them and cat ears with my friends and buy candy at sugar mountain then hang out in the square across the street and then at nights we'd take the subway to the same area and go for french fries and to free movies and just hand around like teenagers do. I worked for a month across the street from their station in a bedding store and I would walk to the art store across the street from their station to buy art supplies for school. I really don't know, but my lawyer told me a detective was trying to tell him that he thought I was into like the goth scene or whatever and I've never been one of those girls, I did wear lots of black but so does every single other girl who lives in the city, most girls wore black peacoats and fur earmuffs and it;s a completely different style in the city. But like, I did wear silly outfits and carry cute little furry purses I made myself and would sit in the square outside as a teenager drinking slushies and throwing candy around with my friends. Like what if a man 10 or 20 years older than me was fixated on me as a teenager and watched me from a distance for so long that he developed fantacies and it was like a dream come true to finally be able to take me into his court system. I really wonder now, because so many things don't make sense and I live so far away now and even when I was a 20-something working at sunnybrook as a co-op student, I rarely was around that area other than in a car or to pop into the mall to buy something after parking in the underground no longer in children's or art-school girl clothing but in very adult clothing I had to wear for work going about my life hoping to get a very adult job as a hospital administrator not as a student in a flowershop or linens store, but like if a policeman was fixated on me from a distance as a teenager or student and he saw me years later no longer like a child but had an image of a child as a woman in his head when she had yet to get thru school and get her first adult non-student job, it is possible that he was watching me for many years and I didn't even notice. I really don;t know, but some of the things that came up horrify me because clearly someone was watching me when I was someone's daughter in the city not an adult with her own life or career yet and still growing up needing support, encouragement and opportunities just like all other people in that age group, I wonder if someone thought I was a grown woman when I was a child, I think the age of majority needs to be raised to at least 21 in Canada because I know 100% that although I had some very adult experiences before I was even 14 years old, I had the mind of a child until I was probably like 22 and finished my first degree. I really didn't get any opportunities to do anything in my last year of high school, I didn't have anyone who was helping me get into university or offering me volunteer opportunities for teenagers that is age appropriate and fun, I didn't get to put my art in any art shows or have anyone treating me in an age appropriate way until I had my art in shows at OCAD but not outside of OCAD. It wasn't until my parents moved to Brooklin that I got any opportunities and it wasn't until I was a grad student that I was asked to participate in things with other young people my age and it meant the world to me. I think people always treated me like I was 10 years older than I was starting at about 13 and they forgot that I needed support, encouragement and age appropriate opportunities just like all the other young people and that things were as hard if not harder for me already.
If any men claim I was their friend with benefits, I've never been in a friend with benefits relationship in my life, all it means is he is a domestic abuser or a sex offender who was either sexually abusing me in private or telling me he was my boyfriend and that we were monogamous while telling other people the opposite. When a man tells you in private you are his girlfriend and monogamous that is what you believe to be true.
I just came up with a hilarious theory, one of like 1,000,000 of what is going on. What if a whole bunch of like high school drop out types or just generally low-life types with kids like think they have a secret network where they are overthrowing the rich people to give their kids better lives but instead they are so ignorant that all the did was attack the childen of people who went to college and university and have jobs that pay the same as uneducated like factory workers or cleaners who waste all their money on drugs and alcohol and garbage out of ignorance so had less than the educated who spent the exact same salary on mortgages and investments and sending their kids to camp and special programs and their kids now just work in offices, with the same mindset, got an education and instead of becoming rich people, have just as much money as they would have had working on the line in a beer factory, and blow that cash pretending to be rich people who are jet setters instead of buying like a house or housewares to put in it and now their uneducated low-life parents are trying to make sure they secure their kids futures in the upper classes but all they did was get them different kinds of jobs paying the same money using their genetically half-wit brains similar to their parents to do jobs instead of their hands. SO they like travelled the world and now complain they cannot afford things like nice dishes and new towels and mass-produced part-MDF part-wood furniture because they are not paid enough but they blew that cash travelling to europe and south america and the middle east and asia for a short term rush the equivalent of wasting it on cocaine and say things like, "I cannot afford a new $1000 sofa how can a person who is disabled on ODSP be shopping for a sofa while I work every day.. I just got back from spain and plan to go to thailand in 3 months... when my uncle was on ODSP he could barely afford food and toothpaste and needed to use YMCA communal showers!!.." (completely missing the part where his uncle went from the chequing office to the dealer.. back to his box in a forest)... I have no evidence, but it's just a thought... I have so many ideas...
I wanted to travel in my teens and early 20s, I talked about it as if it was the far off thing in the future when I had money in a few short years, then I figured I would be married and buy a house and have 4 kids by the time I was 35, but obviously that never happened. Now I really want to travel but it's more important to me that I am married and own a house and have nice things for my house. My focus is making sure I have the things I need for my own home because I want to buy one house, have one husband, 4 kids, and live in that house forever and never move. Above and beyond anything else that is the most important thing to me in life. I would never travel alone, I am not and have never been that type of woman, I only want to travel with the man I marry and I don't want a man who has already honeymooned with other women on vacations he took on planes, I don't care about local road trips, but travelling by plane outseide of north america with a woman who isn't his wife is a value I couldn't live with. I don't share mutual values with a man who honeymoons abroad with a woman who he is not married to. SHARED VALUES are really important to me in a marriage, and I wouldn't fly anywhere on vacation or to honeymoon destinations with a man who didn't marry me first and so I'd expect him to be the same way or he is not the man for me. Honeymono vacations come AFTER the wedding not before the proposal. I don't care if he travelled the world with his family or his friends, but alone with another woman? Absolutely not. I've been to greece on a school trip at 16, I went to the dominican republic with my sister at 21, and I went to mexico with my parents and sibblings and their spouses at 29. That is all I have travelled outside of Canada and the United States.There are lots of men I meet my age who are single or married and never traveled anywhere really, or only gone with male friends or family, and I want a man like that. I would get up from a date a leave no matter how successful a man is if he travelled by plane on honeymoons with another woman even if he was not married, I don't date men like that no matter how disabled I am, not divorced men, not men with kids, and not men who honeymooned instead of saving his money for when he found a wife to honeymoon with and start a family with. I might not be a virgin, I might have been sexually abused and most definitely do not have a hymen to offer a man if that's what he's looking for or money or a body free of injuries, but I have enough self respect not to give myself to a man who took tramps on vacations I could only dream of, certainly there are other tramps waiting in line for a free trip with a jiggalo and I am not that kind of girl no matter how damaged my life and reputation are. I just can't have kids with a man if when he talks about places he's been he has to tell my children he went with another woman before he met their mother and that their mother hasn't ever been to those places but daddy took a lady he wasn't married to, I just can't raise my kids like that. If you are the type of man who likes women who travel alone or who have well-paying jobs or own nice homes or condos or women who like to vacation to honeymoon destinations with men who they are not married to, I am not the girl for you and clearly you prefer a more masculine type of woman and that is perfectly okay because it suits your values. The idea of taking a vacation anywhere by myself is horrifying for me, I've lived alone but never very far from my family or friends and even that I know is not for me.
This really bothers me: Why is it that abusive people who slander and commit violence always try to silence their victim or complain when their victims talks about what happened? Why are violent people always trying to conceal their victim? I've noticed a pattern since the start of the internet social networking age that did not exist before: The same people who bully in person or abuse in person try to have the people they abuse removed from social media or try to make claims of slander or defemation against their victims. It's like they fixated on that person for so many years and lied to so many people that when that person was visible to anyone they couldn't possibly prove anything and so their only way to prove themselves and justify their long term anger is to silence them any way they can. It hasn't been once for me, it's been several times by several different people for several different reasons when I haven't once asked that anyone be denied access to social media even when they have commited violent crimes towards me. It's always the perpetrator seeking revenge or to conceal something they did or said. The victim is always just upset and complaining, even in all the news stories I've read but doesn't know what to do. In my opinion it's the equivalent of when like a rapist pulls out a gun and points it at their vitim and says: "tell anyone and I'll kill you". If you don't want anyone saying anything bad about you, don't do anything creepy or weird and psycho to them in the first place. The WORST possible thing to do a to victim is silence them and make them invisible, that only makes things harder for them and easier for the people who abused the victim to keep them out of their social circle and from talking or being themself so they can continue to lie and slander and abuse. Those same girls who sat in the back of the cafeteria complaining about the popular girls BEFORE social media like in the 1990s and before, are the girls who are like banding together online and it's so disturbing, it really isn't the popular young people who bully, it's the unpopular young people who bully the popular, likeable, social young people because of their own shortcomings. It really doesn't matter if it's friends, peers, co-workers, or family, they all do the same thing if they are that type and it was really upsetting and distressing for me before but now it make me laugh because it's pathetic and so sad that they need to contiue with the same behaviour as a 12 year old in their 20s, 30s, and even 60s. People like that will never be happy no matter what they have in life, they could be well paid, have nice homes and cars and kids, but they will act the same way because inside they will never be happy because the only way they know to get anything in life is to bully people and commit violence and lie and slander and compete to be better at anything and everything to anyone they start to fixate on rather than looking inside themselves to see what they like and who they are and what makes them happy. They never once worked on themselves just looked at other happy people and figured that imitating them or stealing their boyfriends or meeting their friends or going to their school or applying to work at their work place or in a similar job would make them just as happy as their fixation. They will NEVER be happy because they will NEVER KNOW what makes them happy and that is why everything to them in hard work and something to complain about and blame other people when things go wrong for them because they don't even know anything about themselves. (WEIRD I just felt like tingling down my spine, maybe that was written from above... lol. maybe it was like automatic writing... lol. but still I believe that all 100%)
My 20s were for my education and working on a career, my 30s and beyond my only goal was to be a wife and mother and spend all my time and energy making sure the man I marry is successful and being a good wife and mother then going back to work when my kids were older. That is still my goal. I know many people my age are married or even divorced, but I do not date divorced men and I refuse to be a step mother. I am looking to marry a single never married childless man in his 30s and dedicating my life to making sure our family is successful and dedicating my life to him. That's what a woman does when she gets married and that is what I plan to do with my life. I would NEVER do those kinds of things for a man I am not married to ever. The only way a man could ever be a part of my life is to be my husband and willing to financially support our family while I do the duties of a wife and mother including socializing with other women for our own personal family social circle. That's part of the reason I refuse to have connections with anyone from my past, when I am well enough I plan to be married and build my entire life around whoever I marry. Maybe you are a woman married to a man I went to school with or once partied with or swam with or whatever and thought we would be friends if you married him, you missed the part where as soon as he became engaged, our friendship ended and I moved on to befriending other single bachelors because he was off the market and no longer available so it was a complete waste of my time to continue that friendship.
Although I obviously had some really abusive people who delusionally believed otherwise without knowing anything about me, I've never been one of those girls who things have been easy for. We all know the type, she always gets grades higher than she deserves in school, is a bit uglier than half the girls in her class but adults tell her how pretty she is, she's never the star player on a team but gets the award for best participant, she's never the most popular or invited to the popular kids parties so her teachers and coaches treat her special and get her into the best universities and the best part time job she doesn't even come close to deserving thinking it will increase her confidence and so she develops a huge ego and superiority complex and thinks that is how she is supposed to treat people, right out of university she comes out with inflated grades from her professors for spending extra time in their offices making them feel sorry for her that she isn't popular enough or invited to parties so they put her in like a student job on campus she doesn't even come close to deserving, so she gets into the best grad school or teachers college or whatever and thinks that life is easy for everyone just like her and doesn't understand why when she gets her first job with benefits all the other girls are unemployed or whatever, and some man just like her who has never had a bad thing happen in his life marries her and all the people who uplifted her in life celebrate the success of someone who never deserved it in the first place, while the whole time she was cruel and mean to the girls who were a little more deserving in life saying the complete opposite to those who gave her opportunities and owns a car and house before the other girls and never deserved a thing she has. I've never been that type, I was always the girl who was put down and told how useless and undeserving I was, I was the girl who would be lectured after a spoiled girl like that complained or made up a story and then she'd sweetly smile her eyes beaming with joy while I was being put down for her actions, I've always been graded less, and told I was ugly not pretty, I wasn't ever a girl who hung around my teacher or professor's office,I was too busy talking with the boys and laughing with the girls about the boys thinking the teachers and professors were like old people and scary typically being lectured on how crappy my assignments were or how I just wasn't as good or deserving as other students for something. And now, in my 30s, the same kinds of people who put me down and made me feel worthless and told me how ugly I was and what a loser I was wonder why I have nothing, I am not married, I haven't got my first job, I don't own a car or a house, and I can;t even get the help of the police without begging when I've been the victim of violent crime. It's actually too late to encourage me to do things I might have been able to do but now cannot due to disability or age, it's way past a point in my life where I thought I could be anything in life one day if only I could get my foot in the door for something, and maybe that is not okay with them, maybe it completely contradicts what they said or thought my life might be like if they kept hurting me or putting me down, but I don't know another life, I won't know another life, and I do blame them and I won't forgive them because you might forget the things they said but you will never forget the way someone made you feel and how discouraging it is to be told how worthless you are your entire life. I do get disability from the ontario governement because I've never had an income above the poverty line in life and that is real life for me. I suffer from anxiety not from some internal struggle but because of how you made me feel over and over and over again, and I don't have that anxiety when I don't go to school or work and get just a little bit of money. Because of you I didn't know what it felt like to not have anxiety all the time because I didn't know the difference. You are the one who gave everything I needed to someone else and that is a choice you made and have to live with, don't even make me feel worse for your mistakes because I don't know another life.
I learnt something I didn't know when I spent one weekend in jail in Ontario for mass emailing the police begging them to find my stalker, they don't wear orange they wear hunter or army green. I had no idea. They wear green joging suits and green t-shirts and they are given army green parkas. I never knew, but now that I do know women who are incarated during cold month are given army green parkas similar to the ones in stores for like $300-500 I realized that the women who wear those coats on the street might be criminals or the friends of criminals because that is the only explaination for how that coat in army green might have become trendy in some social circles. I'd never to the best of my memory had a friend who owned an army green parka but I saw women wearing them all the time and still do, and now when I see a woman in an army green parka I figure she likely went to jail at some point or she has friends who are current or former drug addicts, strippers, or prostitutes or thieves, clothing really says so much about where a person has been in life and who they associate with over their life and where they've been no matter what their current status married, single, childless, divorced, employed, unemployed, etc...
Considering I hope to live to be 100 I have about 70s left of my life and I want to be happy. I want to see my wedding day, give birth to my own children, see my children give birth to my grandchildren, and be happily married my whole life to one man, obviously I haven't yet met the man I am destined to marry and who will be a father to my children. I purposely left people who have abused me or slandered me or who I do not want to be associated to in the past. That is my choice and I expect my choice to be respected. What I need to be happy is to be introduced to a man who has no connections to people from my past so that we can build a life around each other and our children and never look back. 70 years is a really long time compared to knowing someone for like a year or two or even 10 years then moving on. No means NO. The only way to make my life better is to help me directly meet the man of my dreams and give us enough money to own a nice house, 2 nice cars, and be able to take vacations with our kids a few times a year, to be able to buy them nice clothing and to pay for them to participate in childhood activities and to be able to pay for their college education and weddings. That is what I need in life. I need a nice 2 storey 4 bedroom house with lots of bathrooms and lots of space for 4 kids, a nice kitchen, a big living room and a seperate formal dinning room for big fancy family dinners with our extended family. Maybe a walk-in pantry in the kitchen, and a jaccuzzi in the master bed room, it should look nice from the street and be in a safe community with good schools. That's what I need. If you give all those things to another woman, it does absolutely nothing to help me, it only makes my life worse and harder. That's what I want. That's the only way you can help me. Maybe you are someone or know someone who is still obsessed with me for whatever reason and is having trouble dealing with me setting boundaries to protect myself and set out the best future for my own children, you need to seek professional help and if you know someone who is upset I will not communicate with them please get them the psychiatric help they so desperately need because it's not normal to be that fixated on a woman who has repeatedly stated she does not want to be in contact with someone, there is NOTHING wrong with a woman who says NO, NO is a statement that needs to be respected. I am not 18 or 22, I am a 32 year old single girl who needs to be a married and own a nice house and have kids of my own.
But currently I am not even close to being able attract a husband or to buy a home, I am a disabled person, I was disabled by violent crime and other injuries, and my only income is $832/month from the Canadian Government until at least March 2015 when Doctors believe my conditions may no long be considered disabilities but healed.
If you are a person who believes you, your friend, or your relative is my arch rival and that they need to compete with me that person has a severe psychiatric disorder and needs psychiatric help. I have done so many different things in my life that I cannot think of anyone who I would consider my rival or competitor, in my world I do what I enjoy and work hard on my own terms hoping for equal rewards for my effort to every one else, if you have delusions we are rivals or competitors or that you needed to or now need to harm me to win a competition that exists only in your brain please go to a hospital immediately for councelling and never, ever contact me.
If you are somone who has harmed me or is embarassed by your actions towards me or what happened to me, that is for you to deal with, leave me out of your problems. If you did something to me and that harmed me, I have a right to talk about it as your victim. If you are unhappy and humiliated by your actions you have two options: spend your life in prison or you can commit suicide, kill me or try to silence me and that makes you a murderer. If you are my age are you scared your children or grandchildren are going to find out what a monster you are? That's unfortunate but the reality is you should have thought about it before you commited violence towards me or anyone, they might find out, that's just how it is, and you have to live with your actions. Considering I want to live a long life, get married and have children and see my grandchildren born, I suggest you choose suicide to stop your humiliation, it's your best option and better for everyone.
In the whole stalker mess thing I was ordered to get a psychiatric evaluation by the Toronto Police after I already had a psychologist decide I had post traumatic stress disorder but they wouldn't accept that information from my lawyer, and every single report they received they rejected and asked for a new psychiatrist. Seriously. I went to not one but 3 seperate forensic psychiatrists for their various psychiatric testing. The first was a pervert in my opinion and his entire office and hospital a disaster, it was dirty looking and grimy and he told my father and lawyer that I had episodic schizophrenia around sexual encounters and that I needed to be admitted to his inpatient schizophrenia program for treatment after completing pages and pages of multiple choice questions and an interview, there were seriously questions like "I would like a job as a forest ranger" or "people are stealing my thoughts and ideas" or "I read my horoscope" or "the radio is talking to me" or "before the age of 15 I liked to set fires", like would a pyromaniac really say they indeed liked to set things on fire? of course not. So anyways after like 3 or 4 appointments and probably like 20 hours of tests, his diagnosis was episodic delusions around sex requiring inpatient care and medication to stabilize me but lawyer wouldn't be able to contact him for further questions because he was leaving in 3 weeks for afghanistan. I really had a breakdown at the law office in the board room and started crying and panicking and was like, "these things happened to me me! How could you write this? I can't read it!" and I sat on the floor sobbing and left the room and went into an empty office and closed the door and sat in the dark and called the policewoman who interviewed me over the sex assault and left a message on her machine about what this man was saying to me sobbing the whole time while my lawyer was talking to the doctor in his board room. He was terrifying me. So a second opinion was sought from a new forensic psychiatrist, this one seemed like a polite not creepy man, he felt the most likely diagnosis after talking with me like 4 or 5 times in his office at a mental hospital was that I was traumatized over things that really happened to me but that there was a possibility that they did not happen, but most likely from talking with me they did happen and I was traumatized but someone else would have to confirm that diagnosis. So of course they did not accept that 2nd diagnosis and sent me for a third one. The third forensic psychiatrist just seemd bored the whole time and didn't really seem to care he just wanted to get it over with and wrote this really boring report that was like inconconclusive and I was treated not with medication but cognitive behavioural therapy which was administered by an overweight woman about my age who I think suffered from some mental health problems of her own and liked to tell me about her life in her office on every visit and I just got sick of going and told her to mail me the stupid workbook sheets in the mail because supposedly I couldn't just buy the $25 book at a store when I already went with someone while they bought their own copy years before. These jerks wasted years of my life trying to prove things that they couldn't prove and I can never forgive them and I really think the last psychiatrist just wanted to make sure the police left me alone and stopped bothering me. I served my sentence for harassing a man investigate for sexually assaulting me and harassing the police where most of the content was begging them to find my stalker or telling the jerk to rot in hell by going to talk with a woman about my age once a week and going for coffee by myself in the hospital after the appointment then going home and going for physiotherapy for physical injuries and really I needed to concentrate on the physio and my pain problems and my eyesight allergies not those stupid psychological tests and questions to prove a jerk was innocent. I even had to go to the same hospital to meet with a surgeon about a benign tumor on my lower back. THAT was way more important and so were all the MRIs and other physical tests. I actually developed FURTHER anxieties and phobias BECAUSE of the psychological appointments and I need time to just recover from all of that by doing the things I like to do on my own time and having my privacy to meet a boyfriend and hopefully get married and have a family because so much time was stolen from me because of the actions of selfish violent arrogant people, they stole everything I had left in my life that mattered to me and turned what I had left upside down and made everything worse not better just so some jerks could walk free. I am happier than I was before because I can do what makes me happy right now, but I might have been happy if they just let me do what I was doing in school and protected me by arresting the people who were abusing me instead of removing me from my life and if I graduated and got a good job like I intended and was able to buy the things I needed and found a young man my age to marry and spend my life with over the last almost 6 years. By cleaning up someone else's life and "indiscretions" they tossed my life and future in the trashbin. The most horrifying part is this: I was being cyberbullied by a weirdo or group of weirdos, in 2007 I didn't know anything about how to capture screenshots or that I needed to call the police and cyberbullying wasn't even a discussion in the media at the time, the content was dispicable and very upsetting and threatening and yet a group of perverts had fantacies when I told them that they were somehow my fantasies and my dreams and my internal hopes and desires when I was absolutely horrified and traumatized by a sicko or group of sickos terrorizing me. Why would anyone do that? Why would anyone other than a group of people trying to defend the perpetrators try to make up that my being cyberbullied was just a fantasy? That is the farthest thing I would ever want to happen to me in my life and the trauma will never stop, I was a 20-something grad student, I didn't really have much life experience, and for that to happen to me was a nightmare. Just because a pervert thought it was funny or wanted to threaten me, I don't know what the motive was, does not mean you should ever assign any blame to a victim. I really don't know if the person harassing me was a lesbian with a crush on me or was calling me a lesbian because they didn't really have anything else mean to make up to say because they were dumped or jealous, I really couldn't interpret that, I can't tell you if the person was mutilating animals themself or just finding pictures of mutilated animals to send to scare me or to threaten me. I don't know. All I know is that the person or the group was clearly violent and mentally disturbed and homicidal but I do not know why or what they wanted to accomplish other than to terrorize a young woman and I don't even know if I was targetted for a specific reason or just chosen at random but the person or someone in the group was clearly known to me, I really don't know why anyone would cyber-terrorize me like that.
Contradtictory to the diagnosis as delusional, in the reports I was described as being a nice person with a pleasant personality and that I seemed overly concerned with my appearance and rashes or scars. Typically from what I've read a delusional person often neglects their appearance and yet in their reports they said I seemed overly concerned with my appearance. My stalker did send me things that read among other things "I'm in your closet peeing on your coats" and I really discovered there was the smell of body odor on some of my belongings that would not come out in the wash and that is impossible. I don't know what these jerks did or why but I am overly concerned with my appearance, I am high maintnance even when injured, and no matter what scars I have or damaged hair I still spend at least 20 minutes on my hair and make-up before leaving the house. I think that this group of people wanted to make it appear that I had poor hygene but unfortunately the complete opposite is true about me, if anything I worry too much about my appearance and what I wear.
ISn't there a crime for facilitating the sexual assault of a woman? Isn't making false statements in medical records facilitating the sexual assault of a woman? I won't ever forgive any monster who facilitated my sexual assault and stalking, my life is a bloody mess and you are one of the monsters who belong in prison for falsifying evidence to clear up the reputations of men who rape and women who torture and abuse other women. What you did is not okay, it will never be okay, and I pray every single day that you rot in prison then burn in hell for the monster you are. Look in the mirror, that face staring back is not a saint to saved a man or woman from jail, it's a sinner who needs to rot in hell, you didn't do a good thing by destroying my life for a person to walk free, you did a really really bad horrible evil thing and the most terrifying part is you likely thought you were doing good by what you did, and it was a horrible selfish thing to do.
I think the funniest was a doctor who was trying to claim I have delusions of grandeur when I have always had really low self esteem and felt invisible in most situations of my life or like garbage, people who have grandeur delusions usually have really big egos and really high self esteem and think they are god's gift to the world and I've always felt the complete opposite about myself and so that doctor clearly was a really self-absorbed person who just wanted to hurt me for whatever reason out of their own psychological problems. I might have done well at some things in my life but I've always had really low self esteem. It would have been a lot more helpful to me if that doctor just encouraged me to feel good about myself so I might stop thinking I was a completely worthless loser. I've had lots of really self absorbed people who already have things I could only dream of in my life tell me they somehow believe that I think the world revolves around me, the complete opposite is true in my life, I always feel like the world revolves around everyone else and I am treeated like crap compared to my peers or friends or colleagues or family members. I don't know why I get treated like garbage by the same people who tell me that I think the world revolves around me, my god, if the world revolved around me I'd have millions of dollars in my bank account and a husband and fabulous completed education and job and nice house and car. I never even finished grad school or got my first job to afford to buy a car let alone a house. I am on disability now and struggling to buy a few housewares and trying to make the best of a bad situation by sharing what I buy with people, I don't make $40,000/year let alone $100,000/year, I get under $10,000 in yearly income. That's all I have. I've never even been paid more than $20,000 in an entire year in my life, I've probably only made a total lifetime income of like under $40,000 since I got my first job at 16. That's hardly the kind of person you want to put down and make feel like garbage and worse than they already feel in the first place. Why would anyone ever tell a person who has yet to be paid more than a poverty wage they have grandoise delusions when they are trying to figure out why their life has been so hard and they have yet to find their first full time job so keep going to school hoping that might result in a job one day? What a horrible person or group of people.
I went for councelling for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence and to talk about ways to get over my fears of being assaulted, stalked, or attacked again. We never discussed anything from the position of the police who charged me for harassing the man investigated for sexually assaulting me or harassing the police for refusing to look for my stalker, we talked about how I was traumatized and developed phobias as a result of being a victim and talked about what happened to me as if it really happened to me. The only people who said it did not happen were people connected to the court directly and so they were defending a group of bullies and sex offenders the whole time while I spent my hours in therapy trying to get over the trauma of being their victim and each therapist I spoke with kept saying, I believe you, I really believe you but the police for whatever reason have turned everything against you and I don't know why they are out to get you, it makes no sense... all the therapists said it made no sense to them even after reading what the court had to say especially considering half the facts were wrong about me and my life and even where I was born so someone was clearly writing what they beleived to be true about me and didn't really know me or my family just some stories they obviously made up or heard as rumours.
It was so disturbing for me to read made-up things like that I was born in London Ontario and was independently successful of my parents when my parents are McMaster University graduates who supported me my whole life and I was dependent on them while a university student to supplement my student loans to pay for school and drove their car spending weekends at home while at grad school and hadn't yet moved out on my own due to lack of income and I was born in Mississauga Ontario Canada where I completed pre-school, kindergarden, and grade 1 and lived there until 3 weeks before my 7th birthday. They had so many weird facts about me that were not true and I don't know where they got them from, my lawyer had to keep re-writing facts that were wrong, like that I went to the police to file a report in april of 2008 and they kept saying that didn't happen when that is what I did. The documents said I was contacting the family members of the man investigated for sexually assaulting me and I only know of the name of ONE of his family members, his brother's name, and I was upset he was on my sister in law's sister's facebook friends list. I don't even know what his parents did for a living or what their names are but do know he said they retired. And he seemed to know my family the very first day I met him and he was a complete stranger to me until fall 2006... it's all very strange and disturbing. I mean my memories under the age of 7 are very different from someone who was born in London Ontario, when I was under 7 I remember my mom driving my brother sister and I downtown to meet my dad after work to go for family dinner in restaurants in downtown toronto. There was not a subway in missisauga and I never rode the subway as a child, but I saw the signs all the time and I was confused at 7 when we lived in London ontario and thought the subway restaurant signs were for the subway and it took a long time for me to understand. The kids in london ontario made fun of my accent and said I said the word RED the wrong way because they had different accents then in Mississauga. My childhood was very different then someone born and raised in mississauga or london ontario or north york or brooklin because I was a kid in grade-school in mississauga, in london, and in north york, then a university student while in brooklin commuting. Maybe they had the wrong Carolyn or someone with a similar name in mind? I really don't know.
I think a lot of women between the ages of like 18-35 missed the part where when you get married you transition from being a young adult to being middle aged. It doesn't matter that your chronilogical age is, if you are married at 20 you become middle aged at 20 and if you are married at 35 you become middle aged at 35. After the age of 18 if you get married you are not a young person anymore but a middle aged married person and the matriarch of a family even if it is just you and your husband, you are no longer a little girl or a young woman but a middle aged wife even if your chronilogical age is only like 21. It's like there are too many women in my generation and younger who seem to believe that they are still children when they are married and like 21 but they jumped ahead in life to middle age by going to the altar and being handed over to a man as a wife, and that means you cook, clean, and live with a man and work or don't work but that is your new position in life and you chose it no matter your age, you are not a young person off to martini nights and mingling with single young people anymore, you are a middle aged person and there are lots of events geared towards your social group for married people with or without children and that is why if your spouse has insurance coverage you on on his or her insurance not your parents anymore and why you share a bank account and a bed and am apartment or home. If you are a married person who is 18 you are middle aged already and I am still a young person being single and nevr married. If you become divorced you are still middle aged, that's just how it works. Lots of women do not get married until they are 35 or 40 years old and still have kids and they become middle aged when they get married at like 38 while the girl who got married at 18 has been middle aged for 20 years already. Deal with it, that is just how it is, if you are unhappy being like 25 and married with kids that was your choice and you are not a young person, you are middle aged and I dont care what your chronilogical age, we cannot be friends until I also get married and become middle aged like you.
It's actually really freeing to be able to see a bit of what was going on behind your back while you were doing nice things for someone or just assumed they liked you. When what they say behind your back finally comes out of their mouth or whatever it might be devestating, but then it's freeing because you know who you don't need and what's not worth fighting for and maybe you wasted time or even money on that person or depended on them for emotional support when it really didn't exist but you know the rest of your life will be better off without them causing you pain or problems.
Considering I hope to live to be 100 and be married with kids and see my grandchildren born into this world, if you try to kill me for your own embarassment that is not called euthenasia, it is called murder and you will be a murderer and go to prison for murder. IF you are stupid enough to try to like poison me or whatever, have you ever heard of toxicology tests or whatever? Seriously. Just leave me alone, if you have a problem with me or my life or me talking about the bad things that have happened to me or in my life and they make you homicidal towards anyone, you should go kill yourself because you are the one with the problem, not me.
Any men can follow me on the internet, men can click on my pictures and I don't care if they are married or single or whatever, that is a completely seperate part of my life. MY art and design career regardless if I make any money at it or not is complete seperate from my personal life. I'd like to continue with that part of my life part-time when I am married with children as long as it does not interfere with my family life.
<<OCTOBER 23rd, 2013: CONTENT DELETED BY CAROLYN MARIE COOK-KORNELUKFOR HER OWN PERSONAL SAFETY DUE TO RECENT VIOLENCE>>
I think the most obvious problem I've experienced in making artwork about my personal traumas is this: Artwork is interpreted by the viewer, without the artist's statement what is read by the viewer is the fantasy of the viewer. And so unfortunately over the years I've had really weird people younger than me, older than me, strangers viewing my art, etc. Who've been attracted to it for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with my personal meaning but their fantasy or interest in a girl who has had negative life experiences. Instead of perceiving my art as a direct reflection of my traumas and life experiences a pervert will see their personal fantasy with no ability to see it as a victim's statement or bystander's statement of trauma. I had someone offer me money for a painting that was a reflection of a traumatizing event and I could not sell it to him, his comments were how awesome it was and disturbing and he wanted it, and for me it was like a journal entry of something so horrifying I could barely speak about it and wasn't going to give it to someone who wanted to glorify a disturbing event. (Then I tried to give it for free to North York General Hospital years later when I was ready to say goodbye to the canvas to sell at an art sale to raise money for mental health but they wouldn't take it...) I 100% believe that art is like psychiatry flashcards, you are what you see and feel and interpret unless you are the creator telling the story open for interpretation.
I guess I should provide some type of artist statement rather than just rambling about things I am upset about, most of which I've deleted but will likely write about again if I still have unesolved emotional problems from those experiences. Here it is:
MY ARTIST STATEMENT (Not planned written in the moment):
I never planned to go into art or design as a child, at five I wanted to be an actress, model and singer. At 6 I wanted to be a figure skater. At 8 I wanted to be a ballet dancer in point shoes but my parents put me in swimming because I was good at it. At 13 I wanted to be an archeologist after getting to california by being a swimmer on scholarship where I intended to somehow become an actress then an archeologist. At 14 I wanted to be a dream psychologist and a fashion designer. At 15 I wanted to be a psychic and dream psychologist, seriously, I took out every book on how to be a psychic from every library in the city and read them all and memorized all the meanings of dream symbols and gave psychic readings to people at lunch hour. I also wanted to be a singer and a model but that never was something I got into and be a prom queen. I ended up in art school because I had a lot emotional problems and nightmares and I drew and painted pictures of my problems and wrote poems about them. It wasn't what I wanted to be, it was what I did to deal with my problems and I still do that today. While in gifted art school I decided I wanted to become an architect and prom queen, that was my goal in grade 12 but I was a swimmer and figured I'd go back to swimming for one year to get a scholarship to the US where I would become an architect but that was before I moved away, back then we had grade 13 in ontario and when I started grade 13 in a new city someone from a university somehow convinced me I wanted to go into international business or industrial design, in grade 13 I came up with this ridiculous plan that I was going to study international business where I would have to learn german and minor in art and become a trilingual art dealer living in belgium, I took out how to speak german from the library and it had a cassette and I practiced all the time for like 3 months, all I remember is how to count from one to ten. The main reason I went to art school was that I dropped out of all my math and science courses in grade 13 because I was failing them all and had this giant art portfolio, it wasn't even my dream, I just applied and got in, I wanted to go into fashion which I was also qualified to apply for without any maths credits but was put on a wait list so rejected the wait list and chose OCAD. That is why all my artwork is messed up, I didn't really make anything without meaning, everything I made in art up to second year in design school always had symbols I added or meanings or long stories and explainations, while some of my peers would like draw a picture of a cow and say it was a picture of a cow, and I'd be like, but it has to mean something? Like you can't just make art to make art, like you need a reason and a meaning and a story! And they'd look at me like I was crazy. Not in high school but in post secondary we had to get up and present every single piece of art we made to our class, and I always prepared this deep meaning for everything and would be petrified shaking scared to tell my story, then like other peers would get up and say something like that they liked flowers so painted flowers in their favorite colour or embroidered a bird on a hankercheif because it was pretty, and I'd be like, I made this box about women being oppressed in the middle east or this white dress covered in red stains as a statement on lack of virginity in modern marriage until I started just making art to make art around the middle of 3rd year at OCAD. I guess you can say that there are most definately two very different kinds of art, the art of the tortured artist and fluff or attempts at emotions or experiences peopel ahve never had, there is nothing more disgusting in my opinion than an artist who for the sake of gore makes really sick stuff, when a person had an experience that made them feel certain emotions and those emotions are portrayed visually, that is an entirely different thing. I went to school with the boys who would like draw really gross stuff just to upset the girls and like I went to school with the girls who would draw a butterfly on a flower with a fairy, but I think I got into post secondary art school not because I could draw well but because when I drew a fairy my fairy was sad and had poems around her, and all my artwork had a story even if it was a collage that I made then reproduced in paint. I think in my life for reasons I will never know or understand, I haven't been able to make my own choices or follow my own dreams because I've always been dealing with things that happen to me that become the past eventually but take years to get over and art has been my only way of dealing since childhood. It's perpetual and cyclical and I didn't even identify that it was in direct response to traumas until the last few years. What would I be if I'd never experienced a single traumatic event in my life and was given the opportunity to do whatever I wanted from age 5? Likely a struggling actress and just as broke. Not one thing in my life has ever gone the way I hoped it might and my only way to deal is to make art, but in making art there was no income and so I went to administrative school in hopes I might get a job and give my life meaning beyond making visual statements about things that upset me but actually hoping to make a difference in the world. In my early 20s I would say to my OCAD peers who wanted to go protest things they were angry about in the world: why would you want to go make signs and protest when you could like go to school for something else and make a difference rather than just complaining about it? Then I decided I was just going to go to school to get the education I needed to work in a job where I could make a difference in the world and lots of money while doing it because complaining by making pictures of things is a complete waste of time in the grand scheme of things especially when all you can sell are $50 scarves and $25 totes and no one will buy your paintings or other art because they are embarassed to display it anywhere, but obviously things did not work out as planned.
Before you talk about someone or judge them, you better check your information and make sure you aren't talking with someone who assualted them or someone who has been jealous of them in their life or someone who has fantacies about a person who doesn't exist anywhere but in their head. You have to be so careful when you believe someone who tends to be jealous or violent or manipulative and materialistic or just plain spoiled all their life so they go around destroying other people's lives whenever they have even something small to bring a little bit of happiness into their world just because they don't also have it or they suddenly think they also want it or deserve it and think it's not fair somehow when they already have so many things their victim could only dream of.
I 100% support the death penalty for rapists and child molesters and murderers and mandatory life sentences for all sex crimes that are not rape.
You might think I was bullied or abused because I was unpopular and had no friends, the complete opposite it true: I was very popular in high school to the extent the girls who sat in the back of the cafeteria complaining about all the popular girls were horrible to me, they bullied me so badly I left my school and went to another high school, because I was friendly, liked, and went to all the parties while they weren't invited. It's really sad that the same thing happened in university but not until graduate school, I guess that same type of unstable girl sitting in the dark corner of the cafeteria in high school is the one who made it to grad school and did the exact same thing when she wasn't popular, isn't that sad, especially considering I was always nice to everyone, I was nice to the girls who sat in the back of the cafeteria complaining because I always wanted to make everyone I knew feel special, I went out of my way in grad school to invite everyone in my class to my parties and it's really disappointing for me to know that those same people who should have been expelled from high school for being sociopaths in the back corner and denied a college education before they could get into jobs where they might have power repeat that behaviour as adults, and it's not even like they are the personality they created, they complain in their mid 20s about not being popular as teenagers then pretend to be jocks and party girls in their 20s but the sociopath never goes away, they will always be that jealous girl in the dark corner of the cafeteria no matter how many make-overs they get or who they imitate in life and it's absolutely horrifying that they never even formed their own personalities around their own interests, only by immitating, and it's like they don't know what to do when they have to think for themselves and find someone new to replicate then tear down. I'd rather see girls and boys like that expelled from high schools before they graduate, as adults obviously prisons would be ideal I do not agree with a university slap on the wrist or employee repremand, but I know that ost people like that get away and continue that same behaviour and I pray to god they take some time to relaly figure out who they are inside and what interests them and what they like before they like immitate the wrong person which could be complete social destruction and an end to any possible social life for the rest of their lives. Oopsie! I think I already ruined my social life for eternity... c'est dommage. Wouldn't want to be me.
THIS IS REAL LIFE IN CANADA: VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN IS REALLY BAD IN CANADA SO IS BULLYING OF CHILDREN AND ADULTS. OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM IS NOT DESIGNED TO ASSIST VICTIMS AND GIVE VICTIMS CLOSURE BUT TO CLEAR THE NAMES OF VIOLENT PEOPLE. WOMEN ARE ABUSED IN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM WHEN THEY REPORT ABUSE AND THE PERPETRATORS ARE REWARDED AND THEIR VICTIMS ABUSED AND IMPOVERISHED. THERE IS NO JUSTICE SYSTEM TO PROTECT VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT OR STALKING IN CANADA ONLY A SYSTEM TO CLEAR UP THE REPUATIONS AND LIVES OF THE PEOPLE ABUSE.
For anyone who has rejected me in my life for anything from relationships to friendships and jobs and oportunities and education programs: if you have regrets for those actions, that lives only inside of you. You made your choices, you didn't pick me, I have a lot of problems now in life and you are to blame, but you can't make it up to me, there is nothing you can do other than give me money and help me find a man to marry so I can buy a house and have a family and live out my life happy. Maybe you wish I worked in a certain career or had a certain education or background, I don't, and it is because of you and the choices you made and in some cases the intentional infliction of emotional distress and psychological trauma you personally created that doesn't take a few minutes or days or weeks to heal, but decades of pain and suffering. You don't know what pain you have caused, you don't know how hurtful you've been, and you don't have any concept of what you have done to me or anyone else you've done the same things to over your life. You did not pick me 15 years ago or a decade ago or even 5 years ago, you picked someone else, you might have even intentionally hurt me and abused me thinking it was somehow okay but it wasn't and never will be okay, you gave someone else everything I needed, so you can't have me now, I just want people to know what you've done and the pain you've caused because it is my right to share my suffering and my injuries and my traumas and life of struggles and you do not have the right to tell me to stop talking, this is my life not your life. You didn't emotionally support me, you didn't financially support me, you didn't even make me feel good about myself, you didn't run off and beat down the doors of people who hurt me, instead you listed all the reasons other people were better than me and more important than me or prettier than me and more deserving of love and support and stability and loyalty and nice things in life, all you did was hurt me more than I already hurt to begin with and I owe you nothing, nothing at all. You've been so busy hurting me that you are complately incapable of loving me. You can't have me. You don't deserve me, you made your choice so many years ago and it was not me, now I am disabled and you had 25 years to treat me better and you chose not to, if you are embarassed that is for you to deal with, I don't know a different life or what it's like to be treated better, my god, since doctors diagnosed me as disabled and I get just over $800 a month from the governement, even with paying my parents room and board to live in their home I have more disposable income than I ever have in my entire life, I don't know what kind of life you thought I was living, most students are poor because they have little or no income and borrow money to pay for tuition and books and living expenses thinking that in the future they will get a job to pay it all back, I don't know what lifestyle you thought I was living in your fantasy world, but obviously for whatever reason you fixated on me and created a persona with my face that only exists in your head and it's absolutely horrifying for me, your victim. Yes I bought $40 kitchen cereal bowls, I plan to use those for the rest of my life and after I paid for them I don't have to buy any more unless they break, we just have completely different concepts of the world we live in, you would go to cuba or whatever and think you won the lottery if you were disabled, with that same $1500 I buy housewares I hope to last a lifetime not one week of fun, and I plan to spend my life appreciating where they came from because I've never had money to waste on anything so I am practical and spend it on what it's supposed to be spent on, my needs, but I won't settle for less than what I want to wake up to every morning, I am not buying $2000 priceless bowls, but good quality made in north america kitchenware available at the local mid-range department store affordable to anyone if they want them, I did invest in entertaining dishes too like every woman needs to own, and yes I went to one of the most luxurious fine china stores in the world, but I bought their sale items for like 60% off not the $5000 a place setting items but the $39 on sale from $99 settings, but I got to live my fantasy with the sales lady bringing out items to see how they matched and I did buy from another retailer the pattern of the accent plates she pulled out for me for my kitchen and that's all that matters and I am keeping the delivery boxes, that $700 was like a dream when the boxes arrived at my front door with the store logos all over them it was like a scene from a movie... you have no idea how it made me feel, like a princess to take out all the boxes with crowns on them and set the dishes out on the table then go to the manufacturer's store to buy more pieces to complete the set... I will never forget that moment, better than any trip to cuba or whatever and I get to remember it forever eveytime I eat food or entertain for the rest of my life. Maybe you have psychological problems and got jealous or homicical over a turkey platter I bought, well I didn't buy 10 I plan to own 2 formal ones and two kitchen platters which is adequate for any woman, I currently have 2 different formal platters and one kitchen platter, anyone can afford my turkey platters all you have to do if give up take out food for 3 weeks or not go to the bar with friends 4 times or buy it instead of those designer shoes, if your coat is $500 and your boots $300 and your sunglasses $400 if you gave those things up you could have a beautiful set of kitchen dishes for 4 to last years. In november 2013 I wanted pretty bowls for my kitchen but I also wanted a pretty designer purse by the same brand, I gave up buying the purse to buy the bowls instead. I bought 2 new pairs of pajamas in november too and christmas decorations and all my shampoo and stuff and I didn't buy $80 pajamas I bought $12 bottoms and $6 tops and $8 slippers for the price of one designer pair of pajamas I got 2 pairs of pajamas and slippers and 2 dresses and honestly I prefer to wash my pajamas and clothing after every use, I usually wear sweaters twice before washing and everything else once I don't fabreeze them and hide them under my covers for 4 consequtive nights of wear, really when your clothing always looks new it doesn't make you look so rich you always have new clothes it makes you look like you never wash your clothing. I use coupons when I get them for things I normally buy, why would anyone be embarassed to use a coupon? So you save $2 off shampoo or get a free box of cereal saving like $4 or like 25%off a t-shirt. Really why would you be embarassed unless you grew up so poor that you were taught to pretend you were so rich money wasn't a concern for you, really if you save $20 in a month why would you not take advantage of it? Sometimes waiting for a sale or bringing a store coupon can save you like hundreds of dollars. Sorry to break it to you, but people are usually rich because they are good at saving money not spending it. When I was a student sometimes my friends would say they had like a coupon for buy one get one free coffee or whatever and it would be awesome not something to be embarassed by, we'd split the cost or just go again with another coupon and the other friend would pay. How do you think someone becomes a millionaire? They don't do it by taking fancy vacations and buying full-priced everything and never taking advantage of sales or discounts, why do you think wealthy women wait in line at sample sales when they have enough money to buy the same brands full-price? I mean there are some things you have to pay full price for because the price is fixed and if you want it you have to pay the price, but most things go on sale and if all you do is pretend to be so rich you don't need sales or coupons you will never have any disposable income or savings long term.
The worst possible thing you can say to someone who is brave enough to come forward to share their pain is that it did not happen. You cannot tell a sex crimes victim it did not happen, that is just as traumatizing as the actual assault. You cannot tell a domestic violence victim that she wasn't domestically abused, that is just as bad if not worse than the domestic violence she experienced. Never tell a victim the things they lived thru did not happen, that is damaging beyond repair and more trauma to live with, it takes courage to speak up and the cruelest thing anyone can do is tell them they were not subjected to violence because those scars are even worse than the original scars, those scars say to the victim that they are not worthy of being treated with dignity and that they are not worthy of the same laws as others and that they have no value as a person but only as an object to be abused and discarded of. My scars will last a lifetime, my memories will never fade, and the only outcome for me for being a victim is that I was told I was not deserving of being treated as a person and that I was only a whore and a free-punching bag.
The only thing that happens when you call a victim a liar is it gives an agressive person power over their passive victim. I know from experience because I am a passive type and I've been attacked lots of times by both agressive men and women in my life, and all they do is run out after they attack you to campaign for their innocence and try to prove their victim is a liar. I know from experience because it's happened too many times, and I wish I was more confident and had the ability to stand up for myself but I never have, it's just not part of my personality. I know that the police assisted a man I already reported to clear up his name and reputation, and it's absolutely horrifying for me, the friends and family of the one who attacks the victim always go on a rampage to commit further violence, at least that is my experience, and I wonder what life might have been like for me if I'd had people who fought for my rights to dignity and had my life been free of abuse in the first place. A pretty blonde is not a whore. I am a disabled sex crimes, domestic violence, and gang stalking victim, I am not a survivor because no one saved me they only tortured me so that monsters could walk free. I'll never be a survivor, the people who attacked me all have power over me, that means I'm only a victim and I can't foresee a future where I am no longer a victim because the people who attacked me are free and were never punished only rewarded for abusing me.
I am REALLY traditional when it comes to marriage, given that I was domestically abused in a casual dating relationship and sexually assaulted and stalked in grad school that might be hard to understand. I've always wanted a big huge wedding with like 12 bridesmaids but I know I will never get that. I also believe that a honeymoon comes after a wedding and it's a gift from the groom to the bride and I couldn't ever be with a man who has taken another woman he was not married to on honeymoons when he could have respectfully saved that money to use to take his wife on a dream honeymoon after he picked a bride. I've never been engaged or married and although I was the victim of violence I still cannot change my core values or let a man treat me with indignity or disrespect or allow my children to be raised by a man who treated another woman like a princess flying her around the globe then expects me to sit at home raising his babies without any of those same experiences. I just can't do that. I still dream of a big wedding with like 200 people dancing the night away in a puffy white ballgown and eating unlimited vanilla cupcakes and sparkling cranberry lychee cocktails and champagne and I know it will never happen for me, I still dream of romantically leaving my wedding reception in a cute short white dress to catch a plane off to an exotic location to start my life with a man and then coming home to a pretty symetricl house where we will start a family together. That is still my dream, nothing has ever changed that dream, it is just that I have trouble believing it will ever happen for me. I've never been married and I only want to ever be a man's very first and only wife, that is just how I am and I ask that men respect that I wouldn't marry a divorced man or a man with children. I was assaulted at age 25 and a few months later at 26 and that deeply affected my entire life and I lost all my friends as a direct result, but that doesn't change the dreams I had at 25, I have the same dreams and expect the same dignity no matter if I am now disabled and have scars and chronic pain and weird allergies and my entire life turned upside down and destroyed in all my personal records including financial, medical, and criminal, I am exactly the same girl inside I just had monsters who are truly evil tear my life to shreds.
Yes, I do now have a criminal record in domestic court for harassing 2 Toronto male police detectives and a man investigated for sexually assaulting me by email, but I plead guilty, there was no trial, I kept trying to plead guilty and that went on for 2 years then finally I got to stand up in a court room and plead guilty and the judge kept shaking her head and saying she didn't think I understood what I was saying or what I was pleading guilty to and that she thought I must have a mental illness. So I was sentenced to sit at home for 18 months and go shopping once a day from 3 to 4 and on saturday afternoons for 3 hours and to medical appointments like physiotherapy and a once a week work out class which was changed to twice a week when I got a prescription for pilates for the first 6 months, then I had a 10pm curfew for 6 months then 6 months with no limitations and that was it. I report to a probation officer every few weeks now but that is all. But there was no trial, there was no arguing in court or witnesses like in the movies, I just showed up, said I was guilty, and was told to come back another day in late september 2011 to be sentenced, then ordered to return the very next day to fill out paperwork or be put in jail and return directly home and barely leave my house for 6 months unless I had a letter of permission to be out of my house to attend medical appointments.
And yes, I sit at home all day most days and do nothing but hang out in my pajamas with my cat and eat chocolates and watch shows about weddings and late 20s or early 30-somethings living their single equally crappy lives to mine and it actually makes me feel better about my crappy life because it's better than their fictional lives and I take long baths, I go on shopping sprees when I feel like it and buy nice wedding presents for myself because I can and I deserve those things just like all the other girls my age who already have them, I buy new pajamas once a month and own like 10 pairs now, it's the best therapy in the world for a single girl who has nothing, I won't appologize for being happy. I won't appologize for eating cheap candy out of fine china from one of my favorite designers with stainless steel utensils accented with gold stamped with the approval of the queen or for buying christmas decorations in September. If you want to hurt me when I am happy you are a low-life.
Just so you know, if you want to communicate with me, that is fine, but I am one of those people who only understand direct communication. For example, you have to say to me: "Carolyn it looks like you need to touch up your roots!" not "look at her roots, they are so bad! Don't you hate it when it's time to touch up your hair?" because I really won't get it, I get direct statements not hints or attempts at secret messages, I really don't get reverse psychology either, I take things to heart and if I am told I am bad at something I think it must be true and find something new or end a relationship whatever the situation might be, I don't work harder I stop. Some people might be the complete opposite, but you need to say what you mean and mean what you say with me or I get confused very easily. Some people used to call me a bimbo or blame it on my blonde hair, I asked if I had a learning disability in fall 2006 but the doctor told me I couldn't possibly make it to grad school if I had an undiagnosed learning disability, so I blame it on being a blonde.
My life is defined by my being a sex crimes and stalking victim who is now disabled and has a criminal record for begging the police for help and mass emailing a man I already reported to the police and who was investigated for sexually assaulting me and a victim of domestic abuse, that is my identity, that is who I am, that is my entire identity, that's what I have been for the longest consistent period of time in my adult life. You cannot compare people by age only by experience and income after the age of majority. If a woman is not married, does not have children, and has never had a full-time job she isn't the same social maturity level as someone who has those things. I've had jerks who've said things like that I live like a teenager, that is the farthest thing from the truth, it's not safe for a single woman to live alone and I will not ever do that again and I can't possibly have the same maturiy level as a woman who is married or has a full time job or kids or owns a home or had opportunities to travel the world. I am what my experiences are, nothing more and nothing less, I've never had more than the life of a single student, and that is my maturity level, I can't be anything more than what I've lived in my life, don't ever assume a person's age defines their maturity level, it's the experiences they've had in life and their success that defines their maturity and success is defined by how much money you have and the material things you own or the number of kids you have. I don't want to live with my parents in my 30s, I'd much rather be a married woman with children, but I haven't been so lucky or been given the hand-up other people got to move into being self-sustaining in life, I have people tell me men want a woman who can be independent, I tried that it didn't work for me, I am not that type of woman especially not now that I am disabled, I really am only capable of being with a man willing to accept that I probably won't ever have an income of my own, that I have disabilities that may or may not go away, and that they get what they get, take it or leave it, just don't expect it to change from what it is. This is my real life, if you are waiting for me to be someone else, a fantasy in your head, it's not going to happen and you'll be waiting forever while I eventually meet someone willing to take me as I am.
I really have no other goals in life other than being married and a mother to 4 kids, I've wanted to do things to have an income or for fun in my life, but I've never once in my life considered being a single woman without kids, that is a horrifying idea for me and I hold onto knowing my grandmother had my mother at 42 because it means I could possibly still have 10 kids or more in my life. I can't imagine not ever having a wedding or not having kids, and I know I cannot even begin to start thinking about work until I have the stability of a commited relationship with a man who promises to stay with me for better and for worse, I have a lot of anxiety and I am really dependent and needy and I really need to know I have emotional support forever before I can even start to not feel anxiety, maybe there are men who left me over the last 5 years thinking I needed time to myself, that is the very last thing I needed, being left was like being abandoned to me and required therapy, I can't be a with a man who abandons me, not ever, I need someone who promises to never leave me so I don't need to go to therapy to deal with being abandoned, once I've dealt with a man abandoning me in therapy there is no way I could let him back into my life. There are people who are really ambitious and social climbers who get angry with me for not being like them, I didn't work hard at my education or wear ugly clothing because my career advisor told me to for fun or because I liked it, I did because I needed money and it was a waste of my time because I didn't ever get what I needed which was money, now I have a very little bit of money because I qualify for disability and it takes away that anxiety even short term, it really is a disabling anxiety to have to do work you don't want to do just to make an income while other women do absolutely nothing but sit at home raising kids something you are much better suited to but never was picked by anyone. Some women are capable of being alone and functioning but I am the complete opposite, I am the annoying clingy girlfriend and that is just how women like me are, don't ever expect me to go back to school, it caused me too much anxiety and I don't have to anymore, if I do anything in my future to make money it will be in design or art and that doesn't cause me much anxiety if it's just for fun or to make pretty things, art only causes me anxiety when it's dealing with my emotional problems. I really had an ex tell me that if things were better for me in a couple of years he'd get back together with me, but the reality was that I needed someone who wouldn't do something like that to me, and I can't forgive men like that, it's emotional abuse to a woman to say that to her, it's not freeing, it's not doing what's best for her, it's abandoning her when she needs you most and proof he's not capable of being a husband or father to my children. I think because of feminism in the few generations before mine lots of people completely forgot that some women are capable of being a feminist and independent and others are not capable of that, I am completely not capable of being an independent woman, I might be just smart enough to get into the education and dumb enough to believe the posters and propaganda that girls not only could do anything but have to do everything or they aren't good enough growing-up, but the reality is that being forced to have to be everything causes anxiety for me, extreme debilitating anxiety, and I don't have any anxiety at all when all I do is laundry and shopping and baking and going to a few fitness classes living with my parents so I know that I really am not suited to anything other than being a housewife and mother, not every girl can be the things society keeps saying we have to be in life and I tried so hard to be everything society said a girl had to be in the modern world, but I physically and emotionally cannot be anything my body and mind isn't capable of even without disabilities.
As a victim of sexual violence and domestic violence and stalking, it's hard enough to get over that, but it's even harder to get over being given a criminal record so that the men who sexually assaulted me and the people who have abused me can not only walk free but continue with their violence. I won't ever get over any of it. I know 100% that I am completely incapable of functioning until I no longer have a criminal record whenever that might be if ever because it causes me extreme anxiety because whenever I think about it I am reminded that I was raped and stalked and then punished for being raped and stalked. It's a horrible nightmare that never ends. I might be happy going about my day when I don't think about what happened to me or that my life has been limited not only by violence but the justice system I believed existed to protect victims not punish them for speaking up or being traumatized. If there are people who expect me to somehow be able to function with those anxieties in my life, it's never going to happen. It's too stressful for me, maybe it would have been really easy for the man who assualted me or a girl who terrorized me or a person who inflcted violence to assist a rapist of stalker to walk free to move on, but because I was the victim and then I was punished for being the victim and traumatized, I can't get on, I don't have the personality type to move beyond that, I am too passive and insecure to begin with that I am not the type to be able to just go on, I shut down completely and I really don't know what will happen with my life or if maybe someone delusionally thought that if they did horrible things to me somehow I could get on easier than the man who assualted me or someone they know is guilty of abusing or terrozing me, but the complete opposite it true, a violent person could easily go on because they don't care about what they did to their victim they just want to get back to their life of partying and whatever but I just want to stop being reminded of the violence and of the horror and of the injuries, those memories don't go away, and I can't function until I at least stop feeling like I was abducted and trotured so that monsters could walk free. Some people might say, but you are free, you aren't even in jail, but I am not free, I am terrified and frozen in fear sometimes and I know I cannot even work until those fears are lifted, making me fear I might never be married or a mother because I was raped and stalked and given a criminal record so that monsters could walk free and spend their life lying and torturing me for their own freedom for their evils. A delusional person might somehow have grandiose delusions about my resume and life before I was raped and stalked, those are your fantasies I've never been anything more than a poor student unable to even afford to get a lease on a car dreaming of my first real job and meeting my prince and my wedding and being a mother, my major psychological problems are 100% to do with my being bullied, stalked, domestically abused and sexually abused then abused by doctors and police when I went to them for assistance. There is no justice in Canada for victims, I've been tortured and my life destroyed so that evil can walk free.
As an observation and in that today's society exists and socializes somewhere between the real world and the virtual world, I don't trust people who conceal their identity online, I know that the police removed me from the internet but it was to clean up the reputations of some low-lifes not to improve my life, I am perfectly happy sharing my entire life with people, friends, strangers, and family, of course no matter if you are on the internet or not if a weirdo or psychopath, male or female of any age younger or older, wants to they are going to stalk you regardless if you are on the internet or not and if it's not you it will be someone else, so the reality is the only reason anyone should have to conceal their identity online is if they have something to hide. I have nothing to hide, I really don't see what I need to hide from anyone for any reason, I am who I am and if someone doesn't like it that is their problem not mine, I just can't trust a person who thinks they are so important that their entire life has to be secret, if they really were so important their life would be public not secret, there is nothing creepier than a person who has a private online profile and peeps on other people, if you are going to look at least say something good or bad publicly instead of turning around and secretly complaining with other equally shady people hiding in dark corners of the internet. No one likes a peeping-weirdo who lurks in the bushes and that is exactly what you are doing no matter your income or social status, at least participate and let yourself be seen and heard, it's the least you could do to be respectful, I don't care who looks, I don't care who comments or wants to chat, I don't care if it's positive or negative as long as it is constructive not abusive but please don't hide and lurk and collect data on me with the intent to do harm, that just gives me the creeps.
I've read there is NOTHING more HORRIFYING than someone who is evil but thinks they are doing good. I am a victim of that kind of evil, the kind of evil that truly believes it's good and doing good but it's only the worst kind of evil, the most saddistic of the sickos and there is no cure for that kind of monster because they don't know they are evil, they truly believe they are good.
I know it sounds ridiculous that I am happy for the most part, and I am as long as I don't have too many stressors in my life reminding me of what is really going on, as long as I live in my fantasy world where I plan my "Carolyn Married Herself Presents" I am okay, as long as I keep going out ot pick things up every few weeks, I am okay, and I did get really distressed over dishes that arrived by mail that appeared to be irregular and I paid full price and the company re-assured me several times that they are all finished by hand and their company does not sell irregular items, I know that sounds silly, but it really was distressing for me and I lost sleep because it is that important to me that it be perfect, it has to be perfect, it's the only thing I have in my life and it has to be perfect. I need just one thing in my life to be perfect and free of any problems that that is the only thing that I have that keeps me from worrying all the time and gives me something to look forward to because i cannot afford to buy all the things on my list at once so I do a few items a couple of times a month and so some people that might sound ridiculous, but for me it works, but I don't know what will happen when I finish buying all the things on the list, what will I have to look forward to or keep me from remembering what's really controlling my life?
It's actually horrifying that the man who sexually assaulted me in November of 2007, then pretended to have a relationship with me yet we nevr even went on one single date, he never gave me a single gift and yet Christmas was only a month after supposedly our relationship started, we did not spend new years eve together, he didn't even invite me to spend new years eve with him, yet he claimed we had a relationship. The reality is that I don't have casual sex, I only have sex in commited relationships and I've discovered that the men who commit sexual assault towards intoxicated women do the following to get away with rape: the have sex with a drunk woman, then pretend to date her for a month, then pretend there is a nasty break-up, and figure that is enough time to prove that rape did not occur causing the woman emotional distress at having a man who she does not want to be in a relationship with convincing her he wants something from her when all he is doing is following the locker room guy rules of how to get away with rape and prove it in court. They all do the same thing. They all complain their victim is an ex girlfriend complaining and upset that the relationship ended when the sex was with an acquaintance while intoxicated by alcohol they provided. Horrifyingly, this man had absolutely no interest in working for the police when I met him, he was planning to become a banker or a sports team manager and be super rich and make lots and lots of money! He only had been at a co-op job with the police for about ONE MONTH when he assaulted me because he said it took extra time to get his background check completed and my guess is now he had like a criminal past that needed erasing to take the job but it could be anything. He was not at all the type who would choose that kind of job, I did hear he had a relationship in summer 2007 with another girl in my MBA program while she had a boyfriend who became her fiance in november 2007, what if he had sex with her too when she was too intoxicated to consent to sex and then wanted a job with the police. I don't know, but really I now wonder... it's also odd that the girl he replaced was telling me I was her best friend and I had like 10 girls I considered best friends at the time but she only had like a few friends, I really started to wonder if he believed that hurting me would hurt his competition but she already moved on to better things and up in the world. I don't know, but really, something is really really wrong when someone who wants to be a multi-millionaire banker or sport team manager suddenly wants to work in a profession that pays an average wage and is far from glamourous or prestigious but tedious, boring, and underpaid but for a police department as a civilian. Like did the aspiring fraudster with a group of criminals for friends working in like baking jobs have a panic attack and choose a job where he could help them out if they got into trouble? Because from my perception, 6 years later, that's what I see. Even the other man, like he told me he worked on, horrifyingly, a chicken farm and talked about his passion for hunting and how he wanted all his friends to start hunting in fall 2007 because he needed a sport and to get out there and kill animals because he loved it so much, there was such a rush in chasing an animal and maiming it then killing it and watching it bleed. He told me that. Seriously. Complete with sound effects and that he used squirrels for target practice, and how in his family it was this big family affair where his dad liked to go canned hunting where he paid to kill animals and then his mom would skin the animals and chop them up. SERIOUSLY. That was his family's idea of fun family time! It's like HORRIFYING. I have no problem with hunting for food as long as all the animal parts are used and I do eat meat and wear leather, but I have a problem with people who kill animals for fun. Like he had this look of passion on his face like it was the most exciting rush he ever has in his life and he just had to get out there and do more of it! THAT IS THE KIND OF MEN IN THE MBA PROGRAM AT MCMASTER!!!!!
If you damage my belongings it doesn't make you a genius winning a game it makes you a vandal and a criminal even if you are not caught. If you damage my reputation it doesn't make you a genius it makes you a slanderer and that also means you are a criminal even if you are not caught, if you commit any type of violence towards me thinking you are playing a game and having fun, you are just a pervery sociopath psychopath completely incapable of seeing the damage and violence you commit and you are not winning you are just a menace to the world and a sicko incapabale of doing anything on your own without commit violence to get there. IF you try to expose me to something I am allergic to or something poisonous it doesn't make you a genius, it makes you a murderer.
The more I think about it looking back, I think that McMaster brings in a lot of weird people into the university who don't really belong there, OCAD had it's psychopaths and a few mentally ill students, but McMaster seemed to have a higher amount of mentally ill or generally psychopathic students than OCAD, I don't know if it's the personality type they try to recruit or if some of the really competitive students are also homicidal and violent, but like there was a completely different vibe there, and in magazines they want you to think it's like an ivy league university but it's just a community university like all the others in Canada and a reflection of the population of community it's based in, I really felt from the first day at McMaster that although there were lots of handsome men I wanted to date, there were also lots of people who gave me the creeps for whatever reason and I think that especially in the MBA program they might have been recruiting a lot of people with criminal pasts and giving them make-overs and I am 90% certain that both the men who I spoke to the police about sexually assaulting me had criminal pasts but I didn't know until I started to really think about things they said to me, just because they weren't caught doesn't make them innocent just worse criminals because they keep getting away with their crimes. But I just got the creepy crawlies today thinking about one man in particular and I think that McMaster made a huge mistake and should have concentrated their time and resources on the deserving students who worked hard to get in and to get jobs and impress their professors and befriend their peers instead of trying to prove they could fix bad people. I just don't know how anyone could justify fixing a bad person by hurting someone who shouldn't have been harmed or put in a bad situation in the first place. Like so you fixed one bad person and can brag about them, but how many good people who didn't need fixing just support and encouragement did you harm in the process?
I don't know what the 2 men who "allegedly" sexually assaulted me when I was too intoxicated to consent to sex are doing now, but I do know that any woman who would date a man who another woman claims sexually assaulted her would have to be a real psychopath, like only a lesbian sex offender who gets off dating a man who has a screaming rape victim begging for justice to be served would knowingly date a rapist and call his victim names or run around slandering her. Horrifying beyond words to think there might be a lesbian sex offender who thinks it's hot she's dating a rapist who got away and peeping on me from a distance. I refuse to hide my identity, I refuse to live a life where I can't talk about the cab things that have happened to me, but clearly I don't what a rapist or his lesbian sex offender girlfriend peeping on me, I just want the men in jail where they belong.
I dated lots of men and it's funny because some of the ones who I think about fondly and miss I only went out with a few times, and others I dated for months or years and I don't even miss them or have any happy memories about them because no matter what you did you always felt meloncholy around them and sad so there was no joy in anything until they were gone. Isn't it funny that you can date some people for years and not even have any emotions thinking about them other than relief they are no longer in your life or holding a dark cloud over your head or leaving you lonesome and others even if it didn't work out they can make your eyes sparkle and your heart light up and you laugh just thinking about them then the memory bring you to tears because it just didn't work out and there wasn't even sex beyond kissing?
A Happy story of a ramdom act of kindness: When I was at OCAD they were selling off the old looms in the fibre arts studio, I bought one for $400 or $500 and thought it was a really neat thing to own as a designer. It took up so much space and I barely used it so I listed it for sale on eBay. At the time I was a York University student selling my old things on Ebay but I really didn't make any money but it did teach me about online selling, I had a paypal account and everything set up and used online canadapost to buy and print lables and dropped packages of thing I was suprised people would buy like my old backpacks and pay for make-up freebies that came with my make-up that I didn't want to be mailed ot them. I sent my unwanted things all over the place in boxes to people. Anyways, so I wrote in my description that I was a university student selling my things on ebay to pay for school, which is exactly what I did with the money. I decided that since I didn't use the loom in like 2 years I should sell it, and someone bid $500 and I was trying to figure out shipping for them and they sent me an email to say they decided they didn\t want it anymore but wanted me to keep the money and donate the loom to someone instead. So I called around to so many places in the area trying to give away this loom for free and no one would take it, so here I was with $500 this customer did not want returned and the loom. So eventually it was put back up on ebay for $0 this time and a woman drove all the way from New Jersey writing me emails about her successful husband and her multiple mane coon cats to pick it the week I went off to McMaster to start my MBA, I wasn't home when she got here, my parents helped load it off on her motorhome but those 2 people basically paid for my first semester MBA books and I am forever thankful (my less than 2 months at georgeson shareholder helped cover my first semester of student rent), everything else I listed went for like $5 or $8 and I don't sell on ebay anymore, I just give things to charity like I did before I started listing them on ebay.
I have a relative who had the strangest ideas about me and I didn't know until fall 2013 that she had such weird beliefs about my life and my personality and it's absolutely horrifying for me because it makes me wonder what kinds of things she's been saying about me since my childhood to people and why she would ever believe those things or say those kinds of things in the first place. What is ever more horrfying for me is it is the same kind of stuff the people stalking me were saying and the weirdo doctor at mcmaster was saying to me and McMaster is located in Hamilton where she was born and raised and her kids grew up there and she and her daughter both work as nurses and so I think she was saying really weird things to medical professionals to hurt my parents and for her jealous daughter who is now married with kids but in 2007 was a single woman and if she did participate in gang stalking me in a jealous rage she'd be humilated now, and so why would she ever do that to me? It was upsetting enough for me to find out in February 2008 that one of her sons was communicating with an ex-boyfriend of mine who I told not to contact me or my family ever both in June 2007 and in November 2007 and I had to ask him to stop communicating with him, a man who abused me and my co-worker and I wrote a letter to that I would call the police if he continued to contact me, and I wish I called them right away, it's so disrespectful that he was communicating with my abusive ex boyfriend 8 months after the break-up. Why would she and probably the other members of her family, go around saying such strange things about me for so long that eventually she blew up and said it to my face? Jealousy of my mother or my parents or her daughters jealous of me? I don't know, but it was horrifying for me and I am happy I know now the truth and can say goodbye, I just wish I knew sooner because I think she might have been slandering me for so long with stories she made up that she believes them herself. It was like a horror movie but at least I know and can remove her and her family from my life forever. There really isn't anything you can do when a weird person and his or her social circle says weird things about you or has fantasies that they openly share about you becoming homeless and medicated, why would anyone, especially a family member, do that? (I guess now that I am 32 I see that a teenager or 20 something probably wouldn't have fantasies about marginalizing, disabling, and impoverishing a person in their age group, that's a fantasy someone who is older and who was or who works with marginalized impoverished people would have about inflicting on a happy intelligent young person with her whole life ahead of her..) The whole time I was doing so many nice things for her children and saying nice things about them to people and bringing them wedding gifts and making nice comments about them online and they were doing the complete opposite. I guess I learnt the very difficult lesson that sometimes when you do nice things for certain types of people, they never appreciate it and never will know how to appreciate it and when the roles are reversed and they are expected to give kindness they never do the same in return. So you have to just say goodbye sometimes because certain relationships are not worth repairing or holding onto, I never want this aunt or her kids and their spouses or friends and family members to contact me or whoever I marry and our kids ever, they will never be welcome in my home or around my children. Sometimes even if you have no proof you just have to trust your instincts and I feel in my stomach that something is very very very wrong. She said to me something like "when you do well everyone around you benefits.." and I was thinking, then what about when you do well or poorly? Or is it just me? Do I benefit when your son and daughter do well? Because I can tell you 100% that I know I have never benefited from anything her kids have ever done in life, it would be like winning the lottery to be treated special and get opportunities for being related to someone or friends with someone but as far as I know I've never been so lucky in life so I cannot possibly relate, for the most part I only know what it's like to be treated like garbage 90% of the time by most people and be rejected 99.999% of the time from everything I apply to or try out for. I want to be a married mother and everything I do I think first, how will this affect my kids when I have them? And I don't want this person to ever be around my children. I really make every single decision based on my own children who I do not yet have, like I really believe it would be better for my kids to have a mother who is a designer/artist than a hospital administrator, I did think the opposite years ago but now I think the best mother to my kids would be a designer who goes to fitness classes a couple of times a week and owns nice china for family occassions and cute yet practical kitchen dishes and even my bedroom furniture I have decided it can go in a master bedroom or a guestroom or even one of my future kids might like it when they are teenagers. That's really how I plan my life and my purchases. I might be struggling right now but I am meeting so many interesting artists and designers from around the world that if I decide I am ready to start creating and selling something or working I have a really big support network for ideas, inspiration, friendship, and of course to stay ontop of the trends for people of all ages. Sometimes the truth is not what you want to hear or what you ever expected, but it's always a blessing when it comes to the surface. (I still can't believe this relative is so deranged and has perverted ideas about me and I am horrified, it's been months since I wrote this paragraph and I've come to realize that for all I know she was saying weird things about me in my childhood to ruin good things that came into my life and in my teens to ruin good things that came into my life and in my 20s to ruin good things that came into my life, it's horrifying beyond words for me and I can't figure out how a relative could be so psychopathic, she is not my biological relative, she married my uncle and is the mother of 5 of my cousins, he brother is a man who started to cross-dress after having children and changed his name to a female name, seriously, so in her mind maybe it's a completely normal thing for people to be transgendered and maybe she believed I was a hermaphrodite who was gender re-assigned to female but had a preference for females and that she needed to gender reassign me to male, I don't know, but I am really realyl horrified and don't ever want to see her or any of her offspring ever again in my life. I mean my mother was told from an ultrasound I was a boy fisrt then a girl, maybe she had fantacies I had my penis removed at birth, 1980s technology was not very good at determining a baby's sex.)
I guess you have to be so careful what you believe, there are so many people who will manipulate and lie to get what they want in life and sometimes that includes relatives who are abusivenot just significant others or non-relatives, just because an aunt or cousin or other relative says something about a person and presents themselves as a good-person or even plays a victim, it's really important that you check with the source because that person might be their obsession or their victim punching bag who they release their anger on in private or by slandering them and they might be manipulating people to believe otherwise so they can continue with the abuse.
If you try to kill me in the delusion you are saving people from a sociopath or in the delusion I am a dangerous person or in the delusion I need to be dead to clear up someone's reputation, you are not a hero, you are a murderer with paranoid schizophrenia or a paranoid schizophrenic friend who has very believable stories, if you think that if you poison me or like electrocute me or do something else equally psychopathic and homicidal to me makes you a genius, it doesn't it means you are further disabling and impairing a sex crimes and stalking victim who dreams of living a full life and being married with kids and is trying to get over the horrors of horrible thing that happened to her and you will belong in prison for murder, if you have commited something like that towards me, I consider it to be a homicide and I am your victim and if you don't end up in prison whatever god you worship with make sure you rot and burn in hell for eternity.
IF you damaged or distressed my belongings it doesn't makes you a winner, it makes you a vandal and a criminal and a theif up to the value of whatever you damaged. If you so much as put a scratch on anything that belongs to me, you are a theif and a criminal and I will always be your victim no matter if you have been convicted or not.
I don't have a job, I am a disabled person, if you have fantasies otherwise they exist only in your head, I am wroking really hard to get over the trauma of the past and my disabilities and network in the art and design world because I don't have any other education that is completed and the last thing I need is a delusional person thinking I am secretly living a different life. This is my real life.
If you think my profile is talking to you, please seek a psychiatrist immediately, if you attacked me and think it's talking to you, it is talking to you and I'd prefer if you go kill yourself because this world is better off without monsters like you in it.
If you meet me in person and I seem a little off, it's not because I did drugs or anything like that, I went to university and I worked really hard on my education and took really good care of my health and always at least did stretching and yoga and lots of walking and ate well, it's because I've been disabled by a series of crimes and there isn't anything I can do about the way I am, I don't want to be the way I am, some people say I seem perfectly fine but in my head I know something is wrong and I am not as quick as I was before and have chronic pain. For instance, I completely forgot that I always rinsed my mouth with water after I brush my teeth and I was trying to figure out why after I brushed my teeth my mouth was feeling so gross and chalky and that went on not for days but for like 3 years, seriously, until someone said to me "do you rinse your mouth with water after you brush your teeth?" and I realized I stopped rinsing my mouth after I brushed my teeth at some point and now I do every time I brush my teeth. I don't mean to seem slow or whatever, but it's just how I am now that I was disabled by a series of crimes.
They say if you want to figure out the solution to something like what is wrong with me you need to find the source: The source is that I've been subjected to various forms of violence against women over my life and I been told that I am not deserving of the same protections as other women in Canada. (Even in my childhood I was an outgoing girl who liked to sing and dance and perform for my class and at assemblies but because of a few bullies I became insecure for a long time and I know that happens to lots of children. As a young adult in grad school the same behaviour was repeated probably by the same types of people who were never disiplined as children when they should have been expelled from elementary or high schools before they even had the chance to reach university or grad school and thus they were never disciplined by the police as adults for the same types of things resulting in repeated similar traumas to their victims. But what is different for me is this: At least one of my childhood bullies went to YMCA charity summer camp for underpriveleged children with one of the men investigated for my sexual assault in grad school, (there is nothing wrong with going to charity summer camp for undepriveledged children, it's a great opportunity for them, it's just that because there are so many social services in Canada they believe it's an exclusive club but it's a supplemented geared to income charity for poor children from London Ontario Canada, yet another problem in canada, too many things are supplemented for the children of people who chose not to pursue an education and so in some situations a person's child is better off receiving social assistance long term because they will get reduced university tuition an dless debt and social workers who find them opportunities other children from families who went to school and work hard to raise them could only dream of but I will not go into that... I went to baptist summer camp in muskoka with mostly kids from the Toronto Area age 5 to 11 across the lake from a jewish camp and we spent our summers being told that the jewish camp was for rich jewish kids and had things we couldn't afford like a tennis court and I didn't know that was actually a cheap thing to build, and they taught 5 year olds to use a bow and arrow for target practice at my camp which looking back is horrifying and competitive swimming training camp in florida age 13 to 14 so I went to enough camps..) and only weeks after it happened at an elementary school reunion in september 2007 proceeded to tell me that I'd been a huge slut who dressed like a slut in highschool when she was drunk.. it was like being 9 years old all over again and for that I drove 2 hours thinking I was attending a memorial for our classmate who died a few months before...) The problem is that when I was traumatized I was told that the problem was me not that I was a victim. If you want to solve a situation like mine you have to punish the source and assist the victim not treat the victim as a mental illness or the vicitm as the cause. As a victim, I know that if I was able to have closure on the violence in my life I probably would not have post traumatic stress disorder from violence towards women, I probably wouldn't have as many injuries to my body, and I might be married or at least in a long term healthy relationship right now. The source and cause of my injuries was rewarded not punished and that is why I cannot recover and am disabled.
I did, 6 years ago, have a grad student job in Canada's leading trauma hospital, but that was like being school and very different from a real full time job. In the MBA program I was required to complete 12 months of approved work experience and I didn't find a job in first semester so continued on to second semester and applied to every single job and was lucky to get anything. There were temps in the department I was hired to work in who were about my age but they had very very different jobs from me and you cannot compare the two, they went to work to do something they already knew how to do on a short term contract, I went to work to learn and spent a lot of time for the first couple of months in my manager's office having one on one lessons, he was also a mcmaster mba health informatics instructor but I never took his class, and he would write the white board in his office and give me books to read and files to read and leave me to go read them at my desk. So I guess I was paid to go to one-on-one school for the first couple of months and was paid to sit at my desk and read my homework. I was given permission to sign up for any educational workshops I wanted and given a list but the temps in the same department had to ask special permission. Although I did work and was promoted after my manager left to go to school, I did a combination of learning and then applying what I learnt in the real world. Also as a co-op student a representative of the university visits your place of work half way thru to meet with you and the people who you work with, I was told after my review that I needed more challenging work and that mcmaster expected me to talk with my superior and tell them I wanted more to work on, seriously, I had too much already. At the end unlike when you have a temp job and ask for a reference letter, I had to have my director fill out a lengthy review and submit it to the university. That is what it is like to be an MBA grad student in a place like a teaching hospital.
What bothers me in ll of this is the following: Hearing some people say horrible things about me completely contradicts what most people were saying to me even after I was assaulted and stalked but before I lost all my friends, they all said I was too nice, they all said I did too many nice things for people and that no one really appreciated how nice and kind I was, that I said "sorry" too often and let too many people walk all over me, that I had to stop giving things to people because they didn't care and wouldn't ever do the same for me. And it was ll true, I was too nice, I was so nice that I gave things to people that I didn't have for myself and wouldn't ever even consider buying for myself thinking somehow it was too expensive for me but completely appropriate as a gift for someone else. I was the girl organizing social things outside of grad school inviting other students to my student home and to do things like dinner or drinks or skating inline and ice skating, I baked 7 dozen cookies for all my MBA peers for end of first semester celebrations and gave holiday cards to every single person in my department at my co-op job the last day I was there and brought them things like homemade carrot cake and cookies for no reason, I would just bring a box or tin of cookies or cupcakes to a friend if I hadn't seen them in a white or just becaue I felt like it, and that is just how I was. So hearing some horrible people claiming I am the complete opposite is absolutely horrifying for me beyond words and I don't know what kind of a weirdo would make bad things up about me like that unless it was out of their own personal rage, fantacies, or just for their own entertainment or social gain.
IF you commited violence towards me on behalf of someone who campaigned for their innocence after attacking me, you are just as bad as the original who attacked me, maybe worse, because you commit violence just ot commit violence not to cover your crime or to attack your obsession but just to harm. If you harmed me because a woman complained I harassed a man who was investigated for raping me you are a monster and defending the kind of pervert who would date or hang out with a rapist and that makes you a bad person. As a victim, the absolute worst possible thing you can do to make recovery harder is give support to the offender and make life hard for his or her victim. I was too traumatized and too injured to be able to go out talking with people, that is what the police are paid to do not a victim, I am horrified that clearly the person who attacked me and their friends and family went on a rampage defaming his or her victim to prove their innocence by trying to make their victim look like a bad person and the problem. I don't know why so many bad thigns have happened to me but the only answer is that the people who attacked me went on a violent rampage when they thought they were going to be arrested. I am disabled because of violent crimes, I didn't have the strength to go tell people what happened to me because I was disabled, the people who attacked me had all the time in the world because they were not disabled just violent people who belong in prison. Of course they are humiliated, what they did should be humiliating for them, absolutely publicly humiliating, and that is the difference, I am not embarassed that I was traumatized and sent harassing emails to a man who assaulted me or to the police begging them for help because being traumatized is nothing to be embarassed by, I have nothing to hide or be humiliated by, if they went on a rampage retaliating over a traumatized victim emailing them clearly they must be humiliated by their actions.
There are few things more traumtizing to a victim than having a group of violent people attack her in the delusion they are disciplining her or teacher her a lesson by further attaking her when she has a trauma disorder from being attacked and the perpetrator is crying wolf repeatedly causing the types of saddistic weirdos who generally attack certain people to target her when she's the victim needing support and assistance to recover. There are too many bad people who masquarade as good people and exploit our justice system to torture victims like me.
It's really sad that we created laws to protect victims but as a direct result those laws have been used by violent people to abuse their victims when they fight back or beg for help. I was the victim of some really horrible crimes and I actually needed help from our justice system as a traumatized victim of crime, the man who I emailed perpetrated some of those crimes towards me and he abused our legal system because there are too many loopholes.
I have had the most horrifying things happen to me since I was a victim of sex crimes and stalking while a university student, for example. a friend of a man investigated for my sexual assault called the police in november 2008 and claimed I wanted to commit suicide, I have never considered suicide in my entire life, and I had paramedic and police show up at my house, traumatizing beyond words, one of the most horrifying experiences of my entire life, almost as traumatizing as being sexually assaulted, and they told me that someone told them I was planning to kill myself, seriously, I was so horrified I could barely speak, and they told me I had to go with them to the hospital so I went and spoke with someone who told me that in his opinion I was traumatized for being stalked and sexually assualted and definately not a suicidal person and sent me home. So now ontop of everything else that has happened to me, I have medical records and police records that state I wanted to commit suicide and that is something I have never considered in my life. The only reason I would ever commit suicide is if I do not get to live out my dream of being a married woman and having children because I can't imagine a life worse than never getting to be married or a mother. I will enver get over that trauma, so many bad things happened to me after I was sexually assualted and stalked, I was hit in the head so hard at tennis and I went to that same hospital in 2010, they didn't do any tests but my family doctor sent me for MRIs that came back normal but I have traumatic optic neuropathy now to my left eye as a direct result of that injury and now I still cannot find a lenses that allow me to see clearly out of my left eye. I also sustained burns to my face and arms in a spa when I went for an acne facial to correct some scars and I called the police and they also did nothing and said it wasn't a crime for a woman to be injured like that in a spa. I am a disabled person now, I was not a disabled person before I was sexually assaulted. I don't know why the police allowed this man and his friends and probaly family to go around doing such horrible things to me without and consequences, what makes my life disposbale and me a person who abusive and violent persons are allowed to attack, threaten, make up storires to the police about, and generally take their anger and rage out on without consequence? What makes me someone who is not deserving of medical attention? I thought I dedicated my life to being a hospital administrator at 25 but I didn't even get to graduate school and yet I was being denied medical assistance? What kind of a monster takes a job as a doctor or other medical professional and denies a young women medical assistance resulting in her becoming disabled? I am not smart enought o be a doctor or even pass high school biology, I really believed when I was 25 that if I worked in a badly paid office job in a hospital I was doing something to help make the world a better place and instead I have a bad feeling some really violent people who took jobs as doctors not to heal but for status abused and neglected me ontop of my being assualted and stalked, I sat around for years, years, dreaming that I was going to be hired back to where I had a student job in 2007, and then I realized that was never going to happen on top of my being disabled. I don't understand why I was denied some of the same medical services I know other people have been given who have my same injuries, is my body and life disposable? I want to know why my body doesn't get fixed when it's injured and other people are fixed? I want ot know why people who've been involved in gagn stalking me can make up false claims and go to the police and complain about their victim and not be arrested and charged and convicted of lying to the police but I am for reporting actual things that happened to me, how can violent people get away with doing things like lying to the police about something as serious as their victim wanting to commit suicide and not be arrested and put in prison? You know those people who always get things handed to them in life without really doing anything? My life has been the complete opposite, no matter how hard I try things have always been a bit harder for me and I've always been treated a bit worse in all situations in my life and I don't know why my only possible explaination is that I've been discriminated against and treated like a second class citizen most of my life, I don't even know if someone is being nice to me or commiting cruelty most of the time because there has been so much of it since my childhood, I learnt that if I suspect someone is commiting cruelty towards me, they most likely are, and most likely no one will do a thing if I complain but somehow assign blame to me for the violence they commit towards me. I don't know another life.
Thinking back to while I was a co-op student as an MBA student and in the first bit of my student job I was told by superiors that nurses were so cruel to their interns that they sometimes ran out of their jobs crying, and that although nurses are portrayed in media as kind people, in reality nurses are some of the cruelest and meanest people you will ever meet and they are notorious for being horribly cruel. The sad reality is that although I met some lovely nurses while a co-op student, I also met some horrble ones and it's so sad the that the cruelest people are sometimes drawn to professions that require a caring and nurturing personality, it's like the same cruel types of personalities seem to also be drawn to jobs like teaching. Maybe it's because they want to be the sweet cute loveable charaters they see on TV to attract a partner, I don't know, but the truth was, they were cruel, they were nasty, and I even witnessed some of that cruelty as a business co-op student when I was asked to plan a meeting and invite only nurses to attend. Some of them were lovely people, others it didn't matter what you said to them, you were wrong and stupid and didn't know what you were talking about and wasting their time and the food wasn't good enough at the meeting, the police who arrested me were nicer to me than some of those female nurses were, that is how horrible they are, I actually had a couple of girls about my age in nursing scrubs walk by me in the hall in the ugliest cow srubs and they were overweight wearing like crocks and were just ugly girls say, is that a man or a woman? SERIOUSLY> (My guess is they worked for 2 years, got married to a man who they told it was inner beauty that counts, had kids and now sit at home calling themselves "caregivers" while they say nasty things about the single girls who live in their communities with their parents and are prettier then they could ever be...) That is how horrible nurses are to girls like me and probably all people.
Maybe you are a woman who is dating a man who assaulted me and you keep complaining about me and I don't even know you exist, the reality is that I will always be a victim, I'm not like you and I wouldn't date a man if I found out another woman accused him of sexual assault. If you have slandered me or made claims that you are scared of me, his victim, you are a really deranged person and chances are likely you have commited violence towards me already and I don't know about it and that you will commit further violence towards me in the future by lying and manipulating people into abusing his victim for him because that is the kind of female who dates a sex offender. I am absolutely terrifyed of you if you exist and obviously of him. My horror never ends because of monsters like you who belong in prisons not in public dating rapists to live out your sicko pervert fantasy. Like if you are concerned about being publicly humiliated and defending his reputation, that has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with your inability to sympathize with other women and see the trauma of that kind of violence, trust me I am not even remotely interesting in dating your man, I want to see him in prison for what he did to me. What part of Carolyn was raped and stalked while in grad school and never recovered from it and the sustained further injuries after she was raped and stalked do you not understand? What part of Carolyn was raped and stalked and needed support to recover but instead was abused and is now disabled from being raped and stalked while a university student do you not understand? What part of Carolyn is a disabled rape and stalking victim who can't even date or go to parties in fear of being raped do you not understand? What part of Carolyn was popular and had a bright future and was happy before she was raped and stalked and that version of Carolyn will NEVER exist again because she was a victim of a series of violent crimes including probably you trying to murder her to cover for a monster do you not understand?
There are so many bad and corrupt people who work in policiing and in medical professions in Canada that we need more laws to protect women like me and put men who assault women and violent people who attack women who report rape because those people do exist and to put anyone who conceals a crime in prison. I am alive, I am telling what happened to me to the world because the world needs to know that Canada is not the safe place is presents itself to the world as, Canada is very corrupt, women are beaten and raped and abused in Canada all the time, there are few protections for women in Canada and lots of protections for the men who abuse them to walk free of their crimes. There are more laws protecting the men and woman accused of crimes than laws protecting their victims from being abused in the criminal system because they were the victim of a crirme or reported a crime. Look at my life, look at my resume up to 2007, I wasn't a drug addict or a prostitute or a criminal and I barely even had medical records, I was on my provincial swim team and in gifted art school and finished a degree and had a few student jobs and volunteer work and was enrolled in grad school and always had friends to do things with on weekends, and now after I was assaulted and stalked I am unemployed, never finished grad school, have a criminal record and a completely destroyed medical record, I'm disabled, have no friends that I hang out with in public, I don't get invited to any parties and people actually tell me that they do not want to be associated to me and most obviously I am now a marginalized woman. The men who abused me have lives that are the complete opposite to mine. That is what happens when a woman is assaulted in Canada.
I am so thankful that the internet exists because if I was assaulted in University before the internet existed I 100% believe I might not be alive today and no one would ever have known what happened to me.
If you are a female who believes I am after your man no matter if you are a stranger or a relative, I am not even interested in your man, I only date single never married men, paranoid-schizophrenia and delusional-fixation-disorder are very serious illnesses and can result in a delusional person murdering or injuring their fixation, if you have harmed me or plan to harm me out of your delusions, please seek psychiatric care immediately, my only goal in life is to be a married mother and I am terrified of you, if you are related to me that is horrifying, if we have never had a conversation in my life and from a distance you are watching me believing I am after your man, I don't even know who you are and you need help and as your victim the only place you belong is prison. If you are a female who is defending a man who I've stated has abused me in my life and you somehow think it's because he's with you not me, you need psychiatric care, I went to therapy for being a sexual assualt and domestic abuse victim and that is my real life, the very last men I would ever want to even be in the same room with are men who have abused me and you need to accept that your man is my perpetrator, your man injured me either physically or psychologically or both, and I am still suffering from that damage, to me he is dangerous and you are also dangerous and I fear you might harm me out of your delusions. If you somehow believe that you deserve to own my belongings you are delusional. I really don't know what any of the men I met in grad school or high school are up to and if you are married to one of them, I really don't know anything about you or even that he is married. If you somehow believe my "carolyn married herself presents" are teasing you or mocking you, you are also delusional and psychotic and it's great that lots of women like the same things, that is why the things I buy are for sale in stores, and it has everything to do about me and my life and my dreams and the things I deserve. My life is a product of my upbringing and your life is also a product of your upbringing, marrying a man I was associated to at some point in my life won't give you my life, only being born to my parents would give you my life, if you are miserably married and somehow think I am the source of your problems, you need help, I've never even had a man pay to take me on a road trip when I didn't pay half the costs or have a man give me anything but electroplated jewelry. I buy my own things, if you want my things you can buy them for yourself, but please don't damage my things or try to injure me because you will go to prison eventually and I will show up to watch you sent off to rot behind bars, that is what victims do, they show up to court to watch the person who harmed them sentenced and sent off to rot in prison, that said the man the police investigated for sexually assaulting me who claimed I was harassing him didn't even show up to court, I have a feeling he was petrified he'd be put on the spot and questioned and so stayed far away and sent a vicitm letter that was pathetic really because I oculdn't even remeber his address of the apartment he took me back to but he claimed in his statement he was scared that I would show up and harm him ( a 6foot3 man) and that he had to contact every person he could possibly think of to ask if they heard he was a rapist, he seriously wrote that whenever he meets someone he first asked them if they knew me, I didn't even talk to people about him other than like 5 people in total, and so for all I know he went up to literally hundreds of people asking them if they knew me and if they spoke with me and telling them that the real story was that he broke my heart and was not a rapist but that I was his stalker. Like how many people did he contact about me and what did he say??? I wouldn't be suprised if the man is such a sleazyball that the person he cc'd when contacting the police about me was a lawyer he hired to defend him before he was even charged as soon as he found out I reported him in April 2008, I also wouldn't be suprised if he like thought he had a genius plan to extort money from his victim and was planning to sue but there was no money to steal so his plan failed because for one his victim was a student making a yearly wage below the poverty line and had student loans when the alleged attack occured and second his victim was unemployed and out of school after withdrawing from being traumatized by the time he went to police and three by the time of the conviction hadn't worked in 2.5years and on the last day of serving a sentence in the community his victim received a phone call she was now disabled and to pick up her disability cheque of $4000 social assistance, yes, the very last day of my sentence i got a cheque from the government for $4000 and it's all gone, I spend it on things I needed like bedroom furniture and clothing and dishes and a breadmaker and make-up and pajamas... I think maybe he believed he was in a competition to prove he was a winner and innocent of his crimes but to me going to the police was out of trauma and not my first thought when I was assaulted or being stalked, I was too deeply traumatized to think like that, but he clearly metholodically plotted what to do in order to clear his name and declare himself a champion of a competition that existed only in his own mind while I was trying to get over the trauma of being victimized repeatedly and find answers and closure, I still am seeking answers and closure and to resolve my emotional problems caused from being subjected directly to violence, I really can't get over what happened to me, I can't even date without fears I might be assaulted or domestically abused or attacked by a man's ex girlfriend or other violent female. Horrifying beyond words.
November 19, 2013: I posted an online WILL in case of my death online earlier this year but have changed my decisions. I've now decided to leave everything I own to an undisclosed charity on the event of my pre-mature death, but I hope to live to be 100 so that is about 70 years from now. I might change my mind but right now I do not have children, when I hopefully get married and have kids I will leave everything to my husband and kids.
If any of the like 20 men I've dated who did nothing to harm me but dump me think that somehow in the future if my life is different they can sudden come back into my life, forget it, you left me and I needed you and you can never be in my life again, I only want a man who is a real man and will be with me when I am injured and disabled and accept that I might be disabled my whole life not someone who disappears thinking if I get better they can have me, they cannot, no matter how poor I am in my life or how disabled, I have more self-respect than to allow a man like that to ever be in my life. We all know the saying: if you love someone set them free! but in real life that is abusive both emotionally and psychologically and if you love someone you never leave them or let them suffer alone, that is cruel and absolutely the most abusive thing you can do to someone who you love, that is not love, that is cruelty.
I really don't know what's been going on, but if you are someone who wanted to be your fantasy of me at some point in my life, that fantasy never existed, I don't have any money to live off of and never have, if you went to school to become something you thought I was was and got a job that paid a salary you are living a fantasy of a life I could only dream of, I'm 32 and I still have never had my chance at a job that pays money, my biggest problem and obstacle in life has been money and lack of income to buy the things I need or want, without money a person cannot survive. I am poor and in debt with student loans and single and never married and I don't have anything and if you are living a life you thought was my life, I could only dream of your life, my whole life up to age 32 I still can only dream of making a wage above the poverty line. For instance I did fantacize about being model as a teenager but no one wanted me without asking me to pay which means they don't want you, I wanted to be a designer when I was at OCAD but there were no jobs opportunities available to me and just piles of rejection letters. When I was in grad school I dreamed I would be a healthcare administrator after I had a co-op job but no one even wanted me for a second co-op job from my resume and I did get a couple of interviews but no one wanted me ontop of being already disabled. Maybe you are living a fablous life and confused why I am not, it's because no one wanted me and you are and were delusional, I really don't care if you are upset reading this, you have more than I could ever dream of and because of you my life is even harder than it was already. Men don't take me to nice places or buy me nice things, they tell me to my face that because I amnot as rich as other women that I don't deserve to be treated like other women until I have as much money as other women and only use me for sex and I am lucky if I get a $8 dinner date and usually they complain about spending even that on me, that is my real life, I get treated like trash and a second class citizen not a princess, I give and get nothing in return from people and worked twice as hard at jobs and 1000times harded to find a job in the first place to be paid half or less the income to someone who was handed a job with little or no effort only to be told that I am just not good enough for anyone. Only $832/month in disability is the most disposable income I've ever had in my entire life, finishing grad school and getting a job or having a boyfriend who buys me nice not cheap things or to dinner over $30 were and still are only fantasies to me. I hear women complain that their man sets limits of like $200 on gifts after a year of dating, after 7 years I had an ex who told me he wouldn't spend more than $100 on a gift for me once a year and that is all I got along with like an $8 meal a week and coffee. I had another ex who gave me a $25 coffee card for my birthday after telling me he took a girl he just met to europe after we broke up and wanted to get back after they broke up. If you are married or have a full time job or have children even if you are 18, you are way ahead of me living a life that only still exists in my dreams and I've lost hope any of my dreams will ever come true. You can say what you want, but I am 32 years old and I amnot getting any younger and most of the opportunities in life are for the under 30, once you are over 30 no one really wants you for anything and if you were exploited in your 20s and left poor by 30 you really don't have a hope of a better life. That is the reality. Men really don't want you for anything but sex when you are poor and over 30, that is real life, I honestly don't even know what love is not in relationships and not in friendships because I've always been abused even by the same people who say nice things to me, they treat me like a lesser human being and think it's okay to batter me while they rewarded other girls with praise and love and showered them with money and gifts. Most of my insecurities and anxieties are not because I am weak and a wimpy girl it's because of violence and abuse as I've been abused so much that I just anticipate abuse before it happens in all parts of my life from relationships to academics to work and friendships and extended family rather than love or respect. I wonder what my life might be like and if I would have confidence if I felt love rather than hate and abuse my whole life.
Aside from being the victim of cyberbullying/stalking over social media in 2007 and the trauma, it was entertaining none-the-less to pretend to reunite with people I've met in my life who I hated and see them accept my online friend request and then pretend to be friends with me on the internet meanwhile I never forgot how they made me feel and never will. That was priceless. What did upset me tho was discovering most of the beautilful smart talented girls from my childhood and teens were single and the horrible cruel unpopular cows who tormented the pretty girls were married and had kids by 30, I guess some men prefer that type but it's horriyfing to know they are multiplying and bringing life into this world and raising them with their same values. It wasn't the nice girls who were married with kids, it was the ugly ones and they are now mostly teachers and nurses as adults after tormenting other girls as children and my guess is they mostly retired by 30 to be stay at home moms after having great jobs in their 20s and lots of cash to throw around because they were hired for being ugly and men in my generation want women who hve money for wives but those kinds of women all become homemakers anyways because they never wanted to work in the first place. Regardless even if they end up divorced I wouldn't date any of their men, the thought sickens me and I would never be a step-mother to a horrible cow's offspring.
I've been asked by various professionals the following question: Do you think you've been targeted for some reason? and it's a hard question to answer because YES I do feel I've been specifically targeted at various times in my life because unstable people have for whatever reason fixated on the white blonde half ukrainian girl and for reasons beyond my understanding I've had more than one person fantacize about me being someone who only exists in their mind but secondly, I think more than that I've been the victim of various acts of random violence by complete strangers who would attack any woman who they view as being pretty or popular or happy or successful or rich or poor or whatever their obsession but that they place me a stranger into that category and harm any of woman in exactly the same way they harmed me. Unfortunately I don't know why I've been targeted so many times by different unrelated people but I have been told by professionals that for whatever reason sometimes people just harm beautiful children or women and it has nothing to do with the person. Like even so much as I've had things happen to me that I haven't even mentioned here or to the police over my life, for instance on more than one occassion in the city of Toronto in my late teens and early 20s had a random man about my age run up to me on Queen west while shopping with friends and grab my breast and run away, or like one day I was just walking down the street in what is now The Beach with friends while a York U student and someone ran up behind me and took bright pink lipstick and ran it along the bum of my brand new designer jeans and ran away, I got to my car one day while it was parked overnight on the street by my student apartment and the tire was flat and I had to wait for a two truck then took it in and had a punctured tire. I never reported those kinds of things, I just went on with my life, but things like that happen to me so often that I just thought it was normal for everyone until I found out that some people NEVER have anything like that happen to them. That is how much violence there is towards white girls like me growing up in Canada. Life isn't easier for girls who are pretty in Canada, it is harder because there are so many people who assume that if a woman is attractive life must be easy, but life is just that much harder for her because all she hears is that it's a bad thing to be pretty and that it makes her a bad person to be pretty and that her appearance at birth makes her ugly on the inside and that there are people who torture plastic dolls that look just like her for entertainment, and it doesn't help that so many men have told me that in their country of birth or in countries they have visited a lot of the women who are prostitutes are from my cultural background, because I am half ukrainian and blonde they automatically tell me that women like me are whores enslaved in the sex trade and in human trafficking all over the world. What I've experienced are more than just acts of violence towards women, they are hate crimes directed specifically at females like me no matter our social status or education.
You might be discriminatory towards women like me and think I am lazy and need to be abused to work harder but the problem with me is that I've been abused so much I have a trauma disorder from repeated abuse over my life and I wasn't able to identify until the last couple of years that I've had not episodic delusions but episodic post traumatic stress disorder since childhood where I couldn't function for periods of time after being traumatized or abused by children and adults in positions of authority in my life. A doctor has never diagnosed me as episodic post traumatic stress disorder that is my own observation for why I would draw and write about so many things for hours and day and weeks and years then just stop and start something I enjoyed. It's happened to me at least 3 times, it's a really debilitating disorder and it's cute when a child draws and paints their problems but it's not so cute when you are 27 and all you can do is draw pictures and write poems about your problems in riddles. I can't imagine if I have another series of traumatic experiences when I am like 40 or 50, like is this going to happen to me every 5 years for my whole life? I don't want to be a crazy person rambling about horrifying events and drawing like a 5 year old again. I threw out probably like 20 notebooks of my rambling poems and scribbles from age like 17 to 22 a couple of years ago, I went thru them all and shredded the pages one by one hoping that would be enough therapy to give those things away, yes, I did not just toss them in the recycling bin, I sat with a paper shredder ripping out pages one by one for hours one night clogging up our home paper shredder with what I liked to call at 19 "random word thought poetry" where I would write in circles on pages the first word that popped into my head then tell people I liked to read it to look for secret messages from beyond because I really was convinced at like 18 or 19 that automatic writing was possible and that if you wrote the frist word that popped into your head it was a message from a spirit or ghost and none of it made any sense. I would go out for coffee with friends and get them to write the first word that popped into their head on a napkin and pass it around then read it and look for the secret message from the spirit world. I was that messed up as a teenager, I got over it, and it all came back in my mid 20s!! I can't let it ever happen again. I am not lazy or stupid or delusional, my brain just cannot deal with traumatic events or too much stress and I refuse to sit in an art studio for a therapist again and let the paintbrush draw my stalker or whatever then talk about what I see in that image and how it makes me feel.
It's really unfortunate that some people use the systems set up to help for harm and devestating to the life of a victim of multiple violent people. We set up courts and medical services to help those in need but unfortunately when the wrong people are given those jobs and power they can use it to destroy someone who otherwise is not in need of those services only to take out their anger, rage, or conceal the sins of others in desperation. As a victim who was subjected to mental health treatment instead of medical attention for physical injuries and medicated after experiencing traumatic events intead of receiving victim services and having the very people who harmed me us mental illness as a reason why I brought of violent events that occured in my life, it's horrifying beyond words. Yes, I agree 100% there are people who need medications for mental illnesses and there are people who need to be punished when they commit crimes while mentally ill, but I do not believe that a victim defending themself or begging for help should ever be punished or subjected to that kind of violence. I do not take any medications, I don't go to any therapists but I can if I choose, my body physically hurts all the time and something is wrong with my eyes that was not wrong before I was subjected to violence, my biggest concerns are that my pain stops and I can see properly and stop experiencing what feels like neurological problems that I did not have before I came forward as a victim. I've had anxiety since childhood, but I dealt with it on my own and was able to get into grad school and evenentually get over my fear of public speaking in class, unfortunately right when I got over my fear of public speaking someone started terrorizing me, it was like, as soon as I just walked away from a domestically abusive relationship and as soon as I got over my fears of calling superiors on the phone and as soon as I got over my fears of giving presentions I was suddenly terrorized instead of cheered on for gaining confidence for the first time in my life. I needed to be told that it was a good thing that I gained confidence and that it was a good thing that I was able to finally without an anxiety attack get up and not only present but present to C-level executives of a major organization of 10,000 employees with only about 2 hours to prepare for the presentation based on months of work complete with handouts and I had to present a mathematical equation I made up to solve a problem affecting millions of dollars of public funds, (seriously, it was millions of dollars over decades of uncollected accounts), as well and answer questions without even shaking. I didn't even dream in a million years only a year before that I would ever in my life be doing something like that or have the confidence. But right around that time I was subjected to so much violence that I really wonder if it was an enraged group of jealous spoiled self absorbed people who plotted to destroy ever bit of my life over the next short while in the delusion I'd always been confidence but it was new for me and the first time I'd ever had that kind of confidence in my entire life. I don'tknow why there are so many people who unforunately instead of uplifting and encouraging young people abuse and tear them to shreds, I wish I went back to McMaster and felt as appreciated and encouraged there as I did on my co-op job but instead I experienced exclusion from my peers and mean comments from some of my professors and I even was physically hit on more than one occassion. So many things were going on in my life that being a victim of sex crimes where I knew what happened but I just went on with my life was like at the bottom of my list of things to worry about, had it not been that I was stalked and being terrorized I would never have told anyone and pretended that I dated the men and they were exs but that was the farthest thing from the truth. If it hadn't been that a psychopath was terrorizing me, I wouldn't ever have reported being sexually assaulted or bullied or having weirdos do things to me over the years, but unfortunately I had no choice because my life was in danger. I just wish that so many people didn't use the systems set up to help for harm and that more people who genuinely cared about helping people were in those kinds of roles rather than those willing to defend the sins of some for the sacrifice of others and spent more time uplifting people for doing good rather than slandering and cutting them down.
It really baffles me me why the my cyber stalker seemed to believe I was a smoker and a drug user. I tried smoking as a teenager but only for a couple of years and I quit by age 20. They sent me images of what appeared to be cocaine but I've never used it in my life and I think they sent me images of inexpensive jewelery gifts my parents gave me infering they were stolen, who does that? Why would anyone have fantasies I was a drug using thief while I was an MBA student unless they were just saying bad things about a grad student in a jealous rage? They also had information only my family doctor or a close family member or the ex boyfriend at the time would have would have like my being admitting to a hospital while a york university student for horrifyingly, anal bleeding, yes, I had sudden horrible stomach pains after yoga then went back to my student apartment and had anal bleeding when I was a york u student and had to go to emerge and my stalker knew that but that medical record was missing from my old fmily doctor's records along with lots of other things I visited the doctor for or had tests for, I also kept being told I was on wait lists or being referred to things by that doctor and then months later would be told I was still on a list or it didn't exist, I've since changed doctors because that is absolutely horrifying, and I get appointments with specialists so quickly now and honeslty I do no trust anything that is in that old file and believe 100% that some of my medical records have been disposed of or altered and I know 100% that a doctor at McMaster fabricated records, horrifying beyond words.
AFTER CAREFUL RE-CONSIDERATION THERE IS ONE WAY I WOULD FORGIVE AN EX-BOYFRIEND BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT THE ABUSIVE EXs: IF HE TOOK ME AS I AM WITH MY DEBTS, INJURIES, AND EVERYTHING AS I AM, AND BOUGHT ME A NICE HOUSE AND A BIG PINK OR WHITE DIAMOND RING AND MARRIED ME RIGHT AWAY, I WOULDN'T EVEN WASTE A MONTH DATING AN EX, IT WOULD BE LIKE, BUY ME A NICE RING, BUY US A NICE DETACHED HOUSE IN A SAFE COMMUNITY WITH GOOD SCHOOLS FOR KIDS, TAKE ME TO COURT TO BE MARRIED AND THAT'S IT OR NOT AT ALL.
>>I guess what baffels me the most is this: I can't imagine ever doing the things you have done to me to anyone, how do you go thru your day and on with your life without being haunted by the things you've done to me and probably others or do you just completely lack the ability to see that you are hurting people and that it is a bad thing? Why would you EVER do the things you have done to me to anyone? What makes you that way? Why me and not someone else? Like I could only hope you go thru life terrorized by the memories of the things you've done to me but I don't think you are even bothered that you have harmed me and that is what is the most horrifying. Why would you ever do those things?Like did you promise an absolutely horrible person that you would always be there for them and part of their team no matter what and harm me on behalf of a complete monsterwho walks around acting sweet as a button in sheeps clothing but is really satan on earth because I really wonder! I can't imagine ever agreeing to harm someone for a monster the way you have harmed me. Why didn't you just say no and ditch the monster? Do you really think they would do the same for you? Of course not, they would never do the same for you, they might manipulate you and toss you a compliment and small token of appreciation now and then but when it really comes down to it they would do to you, your friend, or your family or child exactly what they did to me and not care because you are disposable to them, hven't you ever heard of a cult, it's not like a friendship circle or a gang, in a cult a leader like manipulated people into like giving away their worldly goods to be a member of something so great and magical that it will provide them with all the wonders of the universe, then when they are bored they hand out cups of poisoned koolaid and everyone dies. Are you really that stupid? <<
I don't know what you did to me or why, was is because I was prettier than you as a girl and more athletic and smarter and you just couldn't deal? Was your daughter less attractive and less athletic and less creative and less intelligent so you encouraged her to harm me and other girls like me and you did it on your own as well commiting child abuse? I don't know, what you did to me over the years or why you would. Did you do something really perverted like put things in my hair and make-up products or did you poison me too? Did you damage my clothing and shoes and think that somehow that would improve your life and teach your obsession a lesson but all you did was attack an innocent person because of your perversion? Do you know that if you did something weird to my personal care products or clothing or food you are not only a pervert but a homicidal psychopath? Do you even know what you are?because I think you believe your actions are normal and they are the farthest thing from normal, they are thekind of thing serial killers do not good people but the baddest of the bad people do those things to others. Everything wrong with my body is an injury, like do you not understand that you injured me and that makes you a really bad person?
One of the saddest things I discovered in being a victim of sexual violence, domestic abuse, and stalking was this: although there are some very genuine caring people who work with abuse victims, there are also people who choose those professions to use as an outlet for their own psychological problems to assert control and take their anger out on people. Unfortunately one would hope that someone who works with the mentally ill would help not harm, but when they meet a girl who is popular, happy other than being victimized and outside of her vicitmization has good things happening in her life, instead of being happy for her they want to destroy every bit of her happiness and make her life as difficult as possible and marginalize her just to have a punching bag for their own childhood or young adult anger towards being unpopular or not having those same opportunities even as an adult. I think we need better screening of people looking to enter education programs as mental health or medical providers like nurses and doctors BEFORE they even step thru the doors of a classroom, it would be really interesting to see how many of those students claim to be unpopular and unhappy as teenagers BEFORE they seek professions where they might attempt to inflict injuries on those who they viewed as happy or more popular then they were. It really is a serious problem, it's not the popular children or young adults picking on the unpopular kids or young adults, the popular ones are too busy being happy in their own lives to notice the unhappy and unpopular young people lurking in the corners staring at them from a distance plotting their delusional revenge on the prom kings and queens dreaming that one day they will get back at the "cool kids", but no one screens them BEFORE they homicidally seek their delusional revenge as adults. I really believe that too many of the types who lurk in dark corners thinking they are too fat or ugly or nerdy to be popular as kids or young adults sometimes choose jobs as like nurses or doctors or psychologists or justice mental health workers not out of compassion but out of severe untreated psychological problems, they assume things as adults like that to be pretty is to be happy and to be athletic is to be happy and fixate on people who are happy and attractive as targets for revenge to "knock off their high horse to teach a lesson" when alot of those pretty popular happy people are really insecure already because of the homicidal lunatics lurking in the dark corners of cafeterias growing up. I wouldn't be suprised if in addition to my other problems like a homicidal psychopath in a mental health profession connected to one of the unstable therapists I spoke with was given some of my personal information (a crime) by a therapist then went and stalked one of my childhood crushes, it would be hilarious if like one of my highschool boyfriends is married to like a mentally ill homicidal mental health worker connected to a medical professional I've spoken to about my personal life and he thinks she is sweet as pie but she's like a psychopath who studied how to imitate campassionate human behaviour when needed. I would laugh so hard and think that was the funniest karma revenge of all time, married to a lunatic stalking a friends patient's ex-boyfriend, like one of those horror movies... lol. Anyways.... I am horrified by the number of lunatics who work in the medical profession and the kinds of evils they are willing to commit or neglect or even try to force a happy grad student into a life of homelessness and poverty by falsifying medical notes. Serious consideration needs to be taken when recruiting potential nurses, doctors, and therapists BEFORE they step into their first undergraduate program, just because they have a group of teachers who gave them "A"s in school does not mean they have friends or work well with others or understand that all people have the same emotions and feelings or that it's not okay to harass or abuse others, just because they have "A" grades does not mean they did not spend 4 years of highschool fixated on the pretty cheerleader prom queen trying to dye her hair brown and blind her in revenge for sitting alone in the cafeteria at lunch, and I especially think that they also need to screen for physical ability in addition to mental health and grades because too many overweight and out of shape ugly people who don't bother to take care of their personal hygene end up in the medical profession, it's not discrimination to say to a 17 year old applicant that they are too fat to be a nurse or that because they do not brush their hair they cannot be accepted until they do learn to brush their hair or tell them that because they don't have friends and have never been to a party it's a sign they don't understand human emotions or they just might end up torturing girls once they are offered jobs unstead of healing them.
I've had lots of ex boyfriends say various things to me, some said they thought I was beautiful, one claimed he was standing at the edge of the pacific ocean and had to text me because he believed I was more beautiful than the pacific ocean, I had one who refused to call me pretty or beautiful he told me I was cute, not something a woman wants to hear, but the dumbest thing a man in his 20s ever said to me trying to compliment me is the following: " x is a cunt, y is a bitch, but you are fun! why are you even here with me? all you have to do is walk down the street and you'd have any boyfriend you want!" seriously.
As for my profession, I am a Designer and Artist. Maybe they are professions that chose me, I didn't choose them, but my completed education is a Bachelor of Design and Cake Decorating certificates, and honestly I think being a Designer sounds so much sexier than being an MBA and being in my 30s I see that the sexy factor far outweighs the income factor and most of the people who I met in grad school could never get thru design school even if they were at the top of their health sciences or aerospace or economics undergrads because they just are too boring and completely lack any ability to be creative and that was apparent in their class presentations being overly scientific, over analyzed, and recommendations of solutions based on careful research and evalution of pre-existing ideas not new solutions to problems (something I had to learn to do but that is easy to learn, being creative is something you are born with, kind of like you can only be born psychic you cannot learn to be a psychic..). Being a Designer IS a sexy profession isn't it? I will take having a SEXY job title and profession over money any day,, single men in their 30s and 40s LOVE female designers I've discovered, I just don't get why it wasn't considered sexy while I was in my 20s when they were all chasing boring girls with high paying boring professions ... I guess it is upsetting that I don't have money from a well paying job but I paid for 4 years of education for a sexy profession for the rest of my life.
You might wonder why I'd be all upset about sex with men in an MBA program because they must be good looking guys: These two were not good looking, one was too tall and too thin with a very common trailor-trash name and the other balding and hairy and looked 45 at 29 sharing the exact same name as a notorious child molester in the united states but I didn't know that until years later when I googled his name I guess some things run in the family considering I heard he thought I was like a teenager. They were not jocks, they were the types of men who play recreational sports and sign up for open to anyone competitions where they get participation medals and like to brag about being athletes when all they are doing is getting exercise and the same reward as a grandmother who would sign up for the same thing but for her it would be an accomplishment. McMaster is full of that type: never really good at anything but got in because their high school teachers or university professors inflated the grades of nerdy looking kids to make them feel better about themselves giving them ego problems and they always have that same complex of being superior as a result of unearned praise.
I find it hiliarious really in some situations when dealing with mental health workers or psychiatrists because most of them have had fairly boring lives and really if you ask why they become a mental health worker their story isn't that they had a tragic life or a horrible experience or a severely mentally ill relative, it's something like: it sounded like a fun career and I've never had any mental health problems I just think it's interesting. Which brings me to the following, if you find something as serious as mental health conditions interesting and you have a scientific brain not an empathic personality, does that mean your ability to identify and diagnos is based on a list of criteria you memorize and read about and are only capable of taking an external set of criteria to check off and use theories and experiments to prove your diagnosis rather than sympathy and seeing the subject as a person and considering that maybe your life is boring but their life is not? For instance, I went to one psychiatrist who asked about my childhood, I told him that at 12 years old I got on a plane and travelled to winnipeg to compete in a youh nationals swimming competition. He told me that was a delusion because he had never heard of me before. It really bothers me knowing that this is a real experience from my childhood, and yet this man responsible for the diagnosis and mental health treatment of probably 1000s of people was sitting in front of my telling me I was delusional about an event in my childhood where not only did it happen I was photographed while there at 12 by Speedo and briefly interviewed by speedo and this was published in a magazing distributed across Canada. I've had a very complicated life, I've had lots of good experiences that are uncommon and lots of bad experiences that are uncommon, and they really did happen to me, I do not understand why this person would ever sit in a room with me and tell me that my memories of my childhood are delusions. I told him I was sexually assaulted, he told me that was another delusion because I was a delusional person. I told him I was leaving, he told me to write out for him on a piece of paper what happened with the stalker stuff and so I sat in a waiting room writing it out and then he told me he decided I was delusional and I told him I was leaving and he told me that he would be willing to reconsider his diagnosis if I came back but he never has patients come back, and I said no and left. Then I drove directly to a police station to make sure there was a record of my reporting that sexual assault and I called up my psychologist to tell him about what the psychiatrist said. Then I was terrified that I made the police report and I wasn't going to go back to school but did out of fear or retribution and wanted a restraining order to keep him off campus while I was living there to complete my studies but then walked into class and the other man who i reported for sexual assault was in my classroom... it was all horrifying for me.
I would like some of the following questions asked of people who are considering entering the medical profession BEFORE they are accepted into education programs AND before they are offered jobs: 1. Do you ever have fantacies about watching people die. 2. Have you ever fantacized about someone dying. 3. Do you like to watch people suffer. 4. Are you preoccupied with fame. 5. Are you preoccupied with material things and fantacize about owning expensive homes and cars. 6. Has anyone close to you ever died. 7. Have you ever experienced a serious illness or injury. 8. Have you ever cared for an injured or sick animal and what happened to that animal. 9. Have you ever been in a physical fight. 10. Have you ever watched someone die. 11. Do you watch violent films or movies or play violent video games. 12. Have you ever sent malicious emails or letters to anyone and if so why. 13. Were you popular or unpopular in childhood. 14. Have you ever taunted another person even if in childhood. 15. Do you like the way you look. 16. If you could change anything about your appearance what would it be. 17. Do you dream of being on the cover of a magazine. 18. Would you be happy living on social assistance. 19. Is money important to you. 20. Do you dream of being rich and famous. 21. Have you ever thought about stabbing someone. 22. Do you have a worst enemy. 23. Do you have an arch rival. 24. Have you ever been poor. 25. Have you ever been rich. 26. Are your parents successful. 27. Do you like your teachers. 28. Have you ever had a close friendship with one of your teachers. 29.Have you ever played sports. 30. Have you ever won a competition based on ability not judged. 31. If you had a pet dog or cat did it live for longer than 10 years? 32. Have you ever been so jealous of someone you wanted to hurt them. 33. If you didn't like someone but you were the only person who could save them would you. 34. Would you accept money to harm someone. 35. Would you deny someone medical attention if your friend told you they didn't like them or wanted to be better than them. 36. I want to be rich. 37. I want to be powerful. 38. I would like to be the prime minister of canada. 39. I would like to be a banker making $1,000,000 a year. 40. If a man making $1,000,000 a year asked me to marry him I would quit my job. 41. I want to live in a mansion. 42. I want to own pets. 43. I want to have children. 44. I have a worst enemy. 45. If I have a worst enemy my best friend and I hate my worst enemy. 46. If someone offered me $10,000,000 to go to jail for 5 years and never work again I would go to jail for 5 years to get $10,000,000 at the end of it. 47. I would become an engineer if there was a salary of $900,000 upon graduation. 48. If someone told meI could murder my worst enemy and no one would ever find out I would do it. 49. Animals are not like people. 50. The idea of being a movie star excites me. 51. I want to spend my retirement living in luxury. 52. Beautiful people are ugly on the inside. 53. My worst enemy thinks I am their worst enemy. 54.My parents tell me I am good at everything. 55. I am above average at most things. 56. Other people tend to be less intelligent than me. 57. I have a high IQ. 58.Have you ever read a book about how to make friends. 59. Have you read a book about how to be rich and/or famous. 60. Do you like the most popular boy in school. 61. Do you like the most popular girl in school. 62. Do you have a special relationship with one of your teachers. 63. Do you wish you were popular. 64. Do you cry sometimes because you are not invited to a party. 65. Do you work out or get exercise. 66. If you are a female do you take time to style your hair and put on make-up before going in public. 67. Have you ever cut the hair off a doll or drawn on a doll with marker? 68. There is someone who you hate. 69. There is someone who you love. 70. HAve you ever made a pact with your friends to be better than your worst enemy.
If you have commited violence towards me, no matter how you justify it, you are part of the reason I am a disabled person, the things you have done to me and the way you've treated me are the reasons I am an unemployed women in my 30s without a husband or children, it is because of you, why didn't you just make me feel good about myself and uplift me instead of making everything just that much harder for me than the other girls growing up? You can say whatever you want to try to justify your actions, but I will always be your victim no matter what I do in life, you can say I could have been someone with a great career and a fabulous life but you missed the part where I needed you to help me and make me feel good about myself to get there. If you wanted me to be someone you had to help me get that A in class and get a job and give me awards to feel good about myself not make me feel like I was a bad person if I did well and hurt me if I did well, everytime you hurt me when I worked hard at something instead of giving me emotional support or encouragement you made life harder not easier for me and made me a bit more insecure about myself until I developed severe phobias and a trauma disorder from that abuse. I don't associate doing well with rewards and praise, I associate doing well with physical, emotional, and financial abuse because that is how I've been treated. My whole life if someone harms me if I told anyone I would be harmed again by not helped, in school or work or wherever, if I was harmed the person who harmed me would claim it was somehow the opposite and I would be further harmed again so I learnt not that people help you if you tell but that they will harm you for that person and the police did the same thing to me, I don't know what it's like to be the one who is helped. I know what it's like to have my name in a newspaper in childhood but I don't know what it's like to be treated well because of it only to have teachers yell at me and send me to detention for missing school for competitions to write exams. Seriously, since my childhood I was abused if I succeeded. I really would go away for like 5 days to compete and have to sit on the pool deck for like 10 hours at a time 4 days in a row and compete like 8 times then like 8 finals most of the time, I never even saw the cities I visted outside of looking out the window of the rented team van on the way to the hotel from an airport and to the pool from the hotel and usually was woken up at like 7am and taken to a pool to swimming all morning the back to the hotel and told to sleep then woken up at like 4 and taken back to a pool and told to swim, then back to a hotel to sleep and repated for 4 days and I would be exhausted and go back to school and my name would be on morning announcements for winning medal and published in the local paper in the sports section then my teachers would kick me out of class and tell me to write my missed tests in the detention hall with all the bad kids that was my life from about age 10 to just before I turned 15, so I changed schools and went into a gifted art program in part ofr fun and in part because of the cows who would call me a slut for being popular, and my new high school had security guards on duty all the time at the exits and although I did have the girl who threatened to kill me one day at lunch hour, (that really happened) and my new BFF I was told would never be coming back to school and I'd never see her again, I won an honor roll award and swim team MVP and was asked to be swim team captain the next year but then moved away. It's like the same thing happened to me in grad school but I didn't get to transfer into a magical school that would make me feel special then graduate from an even better school.... I don't know what I'll be doing in my future, but you are 100% responsible for the pain of my past and nothing you say or do can change the pain you've caused with your violence and lies even if you are only 0.0001% of the problem, you are still the problem and I blame you 100% along with everyone else. If you thought I could be something more than I am in life, I needed you to help me get there not harm me or make life easier for other people while abusing me. I might not know the people following me on Behance, but 99.9% of them make me feel great about myself and I go where I am given emotional support and feel valued and love in the form of friendship and you just didn't give me any of those things along with not providing financial support, you didn't provide me with any of my needs, not one, you only made all those things harder for me and you wonder why I am the way I am, it's 100% because of you, and I am not playing a victim or making up a story and you can say what you did was justified, but it never will be justified and you are 100% incapable of seeing that you are a bad person, you are the bad person who harmed me and you will never be anything more than that no matter how many times you beg your god to forgive you. I probably will never know why you did the things you did to me, but I will never forget how you made me feel and how much my body hurt and I would rather see you in jail for life but if that doesn't happen you have a lot to work out with your god because I keep asking your god to punish you and to never forgive you but only make you suffer for what you did. I am not one of your darkest secrets, I am not anything but your victim the rest of my life has nothing to do with you and never will and I plan to live to be 100. And honestly, I have been told my entire life that to get what you want you have to work hard and if you work hard you will reap rewards like lots of money and nice things and opportunities to live your dreams, but in my experience hard work led to absolutely nothing only problems and poverty and abuse and violence and all the people who sat around and did nothing were given a hand up in life and handed things I could only dream of and so beyond being disabled I choose to do nothing because when they did nothing opportunity knocked at their door and their dreams came true as if winning the lottery for sitting on their ass as a freeloader up to age like 20 or 25. I really do not understand how so many people I met growing seemed to reap rewards for things they never worked hard to earn and that is part of the reason I have no respect for them and will never have respect for them, I only respect people who can prove that they earned their job and their income and their life, I mean honestly the words "you don't deserve it" need to be used more often with people like that instead of giving them what they ask for when they never worked to earn it. I will never reconnect with any of them, I have no respect for them and never will, and really once you see how people like that treat others when then are down it's more proof of what they are and I am happy I've been given this opportunity to prove who they are inside and I never have to acknowledge them ever again in my entire life no matter if I am poor, rich, middle class, successful or a loser, it doesn't matter in the long term, I just know I never want to see their faces ever again and really don't care what they do in life as long as they earn it with their own hard work, blood, tears, pain, sleepless nights, insomia, worry, and dedication to whatever it is they do otherwise they clearly aren't working hard enough if they sleep like babies at night and bring home fat paycheques. There are even a few extended family members who I have had to say "goodbye" to and unfortunately I cannot allow them to ever be a part of my future for my own personal safety, it caused me alot of trauma to discover some of my relatives are horrible to me behind my back but its better to know then to not know and although it caused me so much stress that I lost hair, I seriously was shedding like crazy thru late october and early november 2013 (it will grow back and wasn't anything like 2010's hairloss but did clog up the drain.,,) I know what I needed to know and although I truly wish things were different and that they felt the same way about me that I did about them and wanted to see me happy and do well in like as I wished for each of them but they are the complete opposite to that, not all of them, jut a few of them, but I let them go from my life for the safety of my own future children. TO those I let go, we are not and will never be part of the same social circles no matter what I do in life regardless if I end up homeless or living in a mansion. I keep saying this, and I keep repeating this, because it's an affirmation to me and it releaves my anxities caused by you and hopefully one day I can stop saying this and feel I am reborn.... I've heard that happens eventually on it's own for everyone in my type of situation.....
Maybe you are a pervert with delusional disorder who thinks that somehow you are doing god's work by harming me, maybe you are so delusional that you really believe that god wants you to injureor disfigure me because you really believe that I am like evil or not human or some other bizarre common schizoid delusion: You need to know that god isn't happy, god thinks you are satan's helper, and god is going to banish you from heaven and sentence you to burn for an eternity in the damning fires of hell. You are not god's helper, you are listening to satan's advice and you are satan's friend and satan has been telling you wat to do, not god, and although satan is making you promises of riches, fame, fortune, friends, and happiness, satan will never give you those things, only tempt you in the short term, and all satan will do is take you to his dungeon in hell when you die because you already sold your soul to the devil as soon as you brought harm to me on his behalf. God won't rescue you this time, what you've done is the kind of sin no matter how many hail mary's you repeat, hell is the only place you are going, fear the afterlife because I will be going to heaven or reincarnated as something wonderful like a pretty butterfly because you sacrificed me, an innocent lamb for the devil, but satan has a special place for you, fear it and let that thought haunt you till the day you die. The scariest part about you is that you think you are the good guy, but you are the bad guy and I am your victim not the other way around.
And whoever you are, I don't know if you were calling me a hermaphrodite or a transvestite because you truly believed I was born a hermaphrodite or if you truly believed I was a male who became a female or if you were just telling me you were a hermaphrodite or transvestite or just trying to come up with the meanest things you could think of but you scared me and I am still scared of you, and I am sickened, like physically sickened by the thought that you were sending me images of my own panties and of what you might have done to my underwear and bras and that you might still be doing weird things to my underwear or make-up or clothing or whatever. I am absolutely petrified still and I don't know if you go around saying those things to people or if you just did it to me privately, there is nothing wrong with a person being transgendered and I wouldn't never judge someone for that, but I am really confused and horrified at the same time that you would say that to me and you need psychiatric help immediately if you have those kinds of fantacies about any woman, because that is horrifying beyond words for your victim. Whenever I even like put on a bra and it seems off I have flashbacks and panic attackes worrying a pervert or psychopath might have been in my underwear drawer and I don't want to have panic attacks like that forever because of you.
I really get all upset sometimes and have to throw out all my hair and makeup and personal care products if I notice any weird reactions or if someone has been in my bathroom with my things in fear a sicko sociopath psycho put something weird in my personal care products to injure me. I throw them all out and go buy all new stuff. It's absolutely horrifying for me and has now gone on not for a few months but for years since I was sexually assaulted, stalked, and it got so much worse after I was burnt in a spa either by accident on on purpose, I don't know which, but it was one of the most horrifying experiences in my entire life and I don't know why anyone would do that or if it was just allergies but doctors told me it was impossible for those things to be allergic reactions.
And PLEASE I do not judge people based on their sexual orientation and there are lots of lesbians married to men who are embarassed by their sexual orientaion, but if you did someone lebian-homicidal to me like damaged my new $60 bras or my make-up or hair products to make me uglier to kill your sexual attraction to women like me, if you aren't going to confess, at least send me a cheque for the value of everything you damaged. You'd have to be a really homicidal sociopath lesbian to damage a single woman's bras and panties, I did notice some are damaged and it doesn't make sense because it clearly is not wear. All I have to do is buy new ones but please get help and go see a psychiatrist because I know I will not be your only victim and what I put on my breasts and vagina have nothing to do with you, and until you admit to your lesbianism and obsession with women like me you will continue with the same sicko-pervert-psychopath violence. I don't know what your fantacies are about me but you are scaring me, I am scared of you and it causes me to not be able to live my life as I want to live it. I think you have fantacies that I am a man or transgendered person and that is horrifying for me, if you fantacize that I become a male you have a severe psychiatric disorder and you need to be put in a prison for the criminally insane. If you like damage my bras and try to make my boobs look flat or think you are like making me look like a transgendered person by injuring me you are an extremely dangerous and perverted person. If that is your fantasy then you need to go get hormone therapy to become a man because you will never stop having those fantacies about other women until you get your transitional surgeries and therapies. You need to go take male horomones and get a sex change and get inpatient psychiatric counceling to see that you are a very very dangerous sex offender and I am your victim. I am trying to attract a husband and if you continue to injure or abuse me it makes it more difficult for me, I've had years of struggling because of you resulting in an inability to date because of my trauma disorder and body injuries, you have a severe problem where you cannot see that I am a female looking for a male to marry me and I need to feel stable first after trauma to be able to bond with someone. I need my boobs to look great and my hair to look shiny and my skin to look clear and if you keep abusing me over your fantacies I will never get to that point and all I will ever be is a homicidal pervert's victim when my dream is to be a wife and mother and all I am is a character in your fantasy but you cannot understand that because you are mentally ill.
Why would s sicko do those things? I did not want to be sexually assualted or stalked, I wanted to finish grad school and find a man to marry and have a good job and children and be a stay at home mom for a while then go back to work later, why did the police let those monster do such horrible things to me and do nothing but tell me I was a bad person for being traumatized by the actions of sickos psychopath weirdos? What about my life? What about my hopes and dreams and my future? What about me, the victim, not the perpetrator upset his or her victim wouldn't stop complaining or shut up? What about me? Why didn't they help me and make sure I got what I needed 5 years ago instead of leaving me to suffer and have anxiety for years over being the vicitm of sex crimes and stalking? Why did they let the monsters walk free? What about my dreams of being a wife and mother and finishing grad school and the scars and injuries to my body healed not made worse by psychopaths? There is nothing I ever did to deserve being sexually assaulted or stalked, nothing at all. Why do people who do things like that get away? What about my life and future and the things I needed? Why is my life less important and disposable and what makes me a second class citizen without any rights? Why did they abuse me to let them walk free?
I didn't know there was a victim services surcharge, I just read an article about it in December 2013, as far as I know I wasn't ordered to pay a surchage but then my parents did pay my legal team of lawyers $8000... I do know tho that in all the therapists I went to, some were good others were terrible, I probably racked up $1000s in victim services costs to tax payers and think $100 is way too low of a fine. Total costs for legal and medical services were probably about $15,000 to my parents or more as a direct result of my being traumatized and injured by sexual assault and stalking and other injuries. So far I guess thru ODSP as a result of my disabilities directly related to the above our family has recovered about $9000 of that money... It's really not a laughing matter and part of the reason I have to cut the people from my upbringing and university years out of my life as not only has this been traumatizing, it's been very expensive. The amount spent on medical and legal bills could have afforded a small wedding and so I am recovering my wedding presents stolen by theives, maybe I am not selecting $50/stem glasses but 4/$50 glasses but still, it is what it is. They stole my wedding fund and thus my wedding presents that would have come from the guests who would have been invited to my wedding in addition to my dignity. Every single month I go buy more of my wedding presents until I have them all.
If you are a person who has attacked me or harmed me on behalf of someone who I told you abused me, I cannot ever forgive you, if you attacked me because a person lied to you, I cannot ever forgive you, if you did nice things for someone after I told you they abused me with the intention to harm me further, I cannot ever forgive you. I have been abused a lot in my life by many people, that's my real life and if I took the time to confide in you that someone has abused me, that took a lot of strength and isn't something I talked about very often and it means that I trusted you enough to tell you. I don't lie, just because you can't prove something doesn't mean it isn't true. I don't know what lies a group of low-lifes spread about me, but if you harmed me because of a lie, I will never forgive you, I have enough pain in my life and physical injuries to my body over my life, and whatever your reason for abusing me there will never be any forgiveness, to me you are only a monster who I put trust in and you abused that I trusted you. The most horrifying part for me is this: most of the people who have abused me in my life or slandered me are people who I've done really nice things for and in return they've treated me the complete opposite way and were never thankful for my kindness only resentful that the kind things I did for others made people like me and wanted to compete to be better than me or more successful or more popular but I wasn't competing with anyone, just being myself, what makes people that horrible?
I don't mean to be rude to married women or women who have kids, I would love to be married with kids, just don't even take your anger out on me for being single and not having kids yet, it doesn't mean I am developmentally challenged or lazy or a lesbian, it means I haven't found my prince yet and I spent time finding out who I am before marriage and that is something evrey woman should know before she gets married. I never intended to marry any of the men I started dating in highschool because I was a child or barely 18 and really at 18 the last thing on my mind was marriage or long term commitment, my thoughts at 18 were about my own hopes and dreams and education and in my mind I would meet someone in university because that is what I believed I was supposed to do, go to university and meet a man there of the same education to marry but something happened and I didn't get to do that until I was 24 in grad school because i spent my undergrad going to school with mostly other girls because of the program I chose and I had no intention of ever being married to the weekend only boyfriend because I was too young to see that far into my future at 18. I didn't get to marry any of the men I met in grad school but at least I had the experience I dreamed of going away to university because I didn't get that opportunity in my undergrad other than brief few months after graduation in a second degree program. When I was in highschool I dreamed I would go away to university right after graduation and live in a dorm then be in a sorority and I wanted to be president of my sorority. That really was my dream and there is nothing wrong with that, I didn't get to live it until my mid 20s but I still am thankful that I was young enough to live that dream in age approprate grad school so I'll never have those regrets even without the graduate degree, and for some they might regret not having the degree but I don't really care if I have a master's degree or not and i do think a group of people who tried to sabbatoge my future when I was in high school did the same when I was in grad school and it's really pathetic and I will probably never know why they did such horrible things to me and probably others. But if you are married with kids, don't ever take your anger out on me for being single, it just means things have been a little harder for me and other women like me and we need more love, support, and emotional/financial assistance than you do so we too can hopefully be brides one day and have kids.
I don't know who the men I went to grad school thought I was to them, in my world they were all potential husbands and I was living out my fantasy of being The Bachelorette with my pick of hot potentially successful and rich suitors. I found a guy I thought was gay to be my BFF, the nerd girls who were mean to me my entire life were suddenly trying to be my friends instead of calling me a slut or stupid and it was like a dream come true! Then of course they all started calling me a slut and stupid eventually, but really, just like on my favourite TV reality show, when the men didn't pick me I had to let them go... There is no reason to ever stay in contact with a bachelor who rejected you and I can't think of one female who ever wants to be friends with a girl who was chosen over her. I don't keep in contact with men who rejected me as a wife, I was only your friend until I figured out if you were going to pick me, after that it's like I found new men who were potential husbands and moved on. Please don't ever contact me unless you have a potential husband for me who is rich and successful and looking for a stay at home mother designer who is disabled and really there is no reason I would ever want to hang out with you if you are married unless your wife likes the same things I do, including baking, attending fitness classes, dancing, inline skating, cake-decorating, cats, shopping, photography, shoes, dresses, cute work-out clothing, home decorating, make-up, and crafts, if she doesn't like any of those things I would never have any common reason to associate with you because I know women who don't like the things I like make fun of women like me.
I would like to know WHEN you started having delusions about me or just saying things out of anger about me. Was it when I was under the age of 5? 10? 15? 20? 25? When did it start and why? When was the first time you did something homicidal towards me? I would really like to know those things so that maybe I can get a better perspective on why you are the way you are and maybe it would explain some of the weird things that have happened in my life, my whole life, if I knew when and why you started because I don't think what you did to me over the internet was the beginning, I think it was just a continuation of whatever you were doing before that I was 100% not aware of and maybe you thought I already knew, I knew I had some mean girls in my childhood and I knew I had some problems with strange men saying weird things to me sometimes, and I knew I had family problems but everyone has family problems, I just didn't know someone was so homicidally psychopathic and deranged and obsessed with me beliving really really horrifying weird things about me and I don't know who they communicated those beliefs to or if they just kept them to themselves then terrorized me. I am still horrified, I will always be horrified, why'd you do it and when did you start and what else did you do to me that I don't know about??
And please call me "Miss". I am a single never married girl who has never even lived with a boyfriend and lives with her parents and was injured by crime in my 20s, a female turning 30 does not make her too old to be a girl or over the age she deserves to be given opportunities and a fairytale wedding, it just means that she needs extra help to get the same things the other girls got when they were younger. Never call me "mam", I am NOT a "mam" and I am NOT a "Ms". I am a "Miss" until I get married and then I will be a "Mrs" and when a woman is divorced she becomes a "Ms" or a "Mam" or a single woman with kids is a "Ms" or a "mam", don't ever call me "Mam" or "Ms", I still haven't had me chance to become a "Mrs" or have kids and I see the start of the rest of my life the day I get married and not before! Just because I was the victim of crimes in my 20s does not mean I don't deserve to still be treated as a Miss until the day I meet my prince and have my wedding, I've never had parent-in-laws or a spouse or a fiance because I have never been married or lived common law or been engaged, if anyone claims otherwise please report them for commiting fraud and so that I can sue them for damage to my reputation. I am the type of girl who has always planned to change her name when she gets married, and that is exactly what I plan to do and I am traditional and believe that is the start of a girl becoming a woman no matter her age. I will change my legal name when I get married and I will publish if I get engaged before I get married.
If youa re a man or a woman who has attacked me in me life and believe that if you get married or have children that erases your past, it doesn't, it never will, I will always be your victim, I will always tell my story, and if your kid finds out the things you have done to me that is your own fault for bringing life into this world before you dealt with your past. You are and will always be the person who harmed me, nothing will ever change that, I will always fight to see you in prison for what you did to me, my scars will last a lifetime and you will always be the monster who did horrible, selfish, and cruel unpeakable things to me. I will always be your victim and I will not stop talking until you serve your time and suffer for what you did to me. As a victim of violent crime and stalking and domestic violence in Canada, I will ALWAYS be a victim, I will NEVER be a survivor, and probably no man will ever marry me because you attacked me and because of what you did to me. My life will never be what it might have been because I am your victim. I am NOT your darkest secret, I am you
If you are a person who has fantasies that I am like a drug addict or stripper or whatever it is your fantasy is, please seek a psychiatrist because I am your victim if you acted on those fantasies especially if you have delusions that I am romantically interested in you or someone you know and harmed me based on your fantasies. I would prefer to see you in prison but please seek a psychiatrist before you commit further violence to women like me because of fantasies that you have that only exist in your brain, I am petrified of you, and if you slandered me based on your delusions that is a crime and even more horrifying for me, as your victim I would want to see you in prison not walking free thinking you made a mistake, you didn't make a mistake, you are a really sick violent pervert and I am and will always be your victim. Your fantasies only exist in your head and I don't know what goes on in your head but I am terrified of you. I have already been the victim of sexual violence and stalking and domestic abuse, the last thing I need is a pervert male or female young or old having fantasies about my online profiles and acting on those fantaties to bring harm to me their fixation and victim. I have a profile to get out the message I was sexually assaulted and stalked and to meet new people because I was the victin of gang stalking, I also hope to attract a man to marry and have kids with and if you attack me you are making my recovery from sexual assault and stalking that much harder. I want my injuries to heal and I want a single man to take interest in me, if you are a mentally ill jealous woman and attack me you are going to make my life even harder if you haven't already by commiting further violence based on your fantasies or delusions. I already had more than one mentally ill relative collecting and storing my online information and pictures, seriously they are that mentally ill and so I have had to remove them permanently from my life and talk with a corrections officer about their bizarre behaviour, the last thing I need is a stranger who thinks I've written like fictional fantasies online about them when these are things that have happened to me and my real life and that's okay if you want to read them but please don't make yourself a character in my traumas and personalize my pain. If you want to help me, find a nice single man about my age who would be willing to date me as I am and accept that I've lived thru som horrifying experiences and have not yet recovered.
I 100% believe more support both emotionally and financially needs to be provided to victims of sexual abuse and stalking as my life was turned upside down by sociopaths with no ability to empathize ith their victim or see that their victim is a person with feelings, hopes, and dreams and that damage is irreversible. More programs need to be set up, espcially financial support and businesses willing to hire female victims of sexual violence and other violent crimes rather than stigmatizing and marginalize them and attempt to render the victims homeless to remove them from society as if somehow they deserved to be raped or injured or used as a punching bag. Too much support is given to the men and women who commit those crimes not to their victims. We need to create a system that punishes and imporverishs men who sexually abuse women and people who gang stalk women not deny their traumatizd victims of a future to clear their names and reputations. Being raped, stalked, and/or domestically abused is not a reason to marginalize a woman or lable her mentally ill for complaining she was abused, it is a reason to uplift her and promise to protect her and give her the things she needs to build a future while punishing and impoverishing the people who abused her. Being raped and stalked and domestically abused is NOT a mental illness, it is a traumatizing situation for a woman and results in psychological injuries inflicted by monsters. No woman used as a punching bag should ever be called mentally ill but treated just like anyone with broken bones because their soul has been fractured by violence and I 100% support the death penalty for rapists, we shouldn't even waste money locking them up, just kill them before they have a chance to reproduce and pass on the genes of monsters who rape.
So let me get this right: In Canada we have a network of narcisistic-like-minded-sociopaths who are mostly concerned with social status, income, and prestige, using our medical systems to abuse people who they either do not like or who their kids don't like or who have been the victims of their kids or their friends, and so the narcisists whose bigest fears are things like beingmentally ill like to conduct experiments, but rather than being medically sound they prefer to abuse our systems to abuse the victims to protect the lives futures and reputations of the offenders who might be mentally ill but their victims are only traumatized, a mental injury not illness. And so the narcisists will do psychopathic things to prove their hypothesis and their position without the least bit of ability their whatever they are seeking, most likely proof of a break with reality or psychotic episode to be true, when their methodology involves the criminal harassment and psychological torture of the victim, both serious crimes, and so they go on and perpetrate this type of violence in the belief it will prove their position, a false hypothesis based on a need to prove an offender or multiple offender's innocence. I'd like to know how we legally allow people like this to practice in the medical feild in Canada, and why they are not rather than rewarded for their peverse research to titilate their psychopathic-homicidal-lunatic-scientist fantacies, fire them, repremend them, and send them to prison for life to protect their victims of abuse.
I had this secret fantasy a few years back, that all the jerk who caused me pain and suffering would move on, get married, have kids, and think they got away and that just as they believed they were free and forgot about the past, and were releaved their victim was out of the way, they'd be humiliated for their actions in front of all their friends and family and colleagues. I thought about it long and hard and I think maybe even mentioned that fantasy in therapy. It's still one of my many fantasies, you see when someone does something so horrible to you, it really does eat away for years and the more you are abused and the more time you spend alone the more ideas you come up with of ways to see them suffer.
Maybe you have a daughter or daughter-in-law who said weird things about me or blames me somehow thru an obscure list of nonsense for her problems and presents an very believable case for her complaints about me, please do not make me or anyone part of the delusions of a mentally ill women like that, just because she seems to function normally in society, what she says is not normal especially if I do not know her or barely know her or like knew her as a child. I am not the problem, her psychiatric problems are the problem, and I have so many problems already that I do not need a mentally ill woman fixated on me as the source of her unhappiness or problems because she is her own problem and any violence she or you commit towards me based on her delusions are only senseless acts of violence towards her victim and fixation and I will 100% sit in a court room and watch her sent to prison because I've already been the victim of enough weirdos in my life, and yes, she is a weirdo no matter what you think otherwise, she is a weirdo pervert psychopath and I am her victim and she is the weirdo pervert causing me problems and distress and you need to deal with her psychiatric problems because I just want a happy life without problems or weirdos with delusions attacking me.
Maybe you are a person from my past desperate to prove that there were good times that you had with me, and that I must have forgotten all the good times, but you seem to have forgotten all the bad times and the way you made me feel which wasn't good about myself, you seem to have forgotten that the bad things cancel out the good things and are not forgivable from my perspective and that I don't care if you want to prove things were good for you because they were bad for me and cutting you from my life and/or breaking the silence on how you made me feel in the bad times was liberating for me and let me move on with my life and heal from the damage you inflicted. I don't forget any of the things I did with you, I just know that the bad things are more reason to keep you away from my life and the reasons I do not have happy thoughts about you and never will and any attempt to remind me of a painful past and time in my life I would prefer to never think about is harassment.
We all know about the programs created to educate people to lift them out of poverty, but here is the problem I think the people running those programs failed to consider: When you lift one person's social status or income level, you lower another person's social status and income level. It's a very simple equation of supply and demand, and so if you intentionally deny the son or daughter of a well educated person of things in life in the belief that they somehow get opportunities elsewhere and intentionally inflate the grades, income, or social status of a person who is the son or daughter of a high school drop out in social housing, you remove one person from a future of poverty while lowering another into that same position of poverty. You can't just create opportunities for high paying jobs for all or high levels of education for all, there are low paying jobs and high paying jobs which are supposed to be alocated based on education and experience but not always. There are only so many jobs at the top, the middle, and the bottom. So is it really worth artifically inflating a young person's grades or opportunities while denying the children of well educated hard working people of those things in life? I don't think it's anything to brag about when one person is living in poverty not because they didn't work hard but because they were rejected based on allocating more opportunities to certain social groups and not others. Someone will always be rich and someone will always have to be poor no matter who you choose to educate or employ. For example: a high school drop-out fast food cashier's daughter cannot be married to a university educated banker's son unless a banker's daughter ends up married to a fast-food cashier's son.
If you know of a person, male or female, of any age, who talks about me as if I am interested in them romantically and we have never met or as if they want to harm me based on something that sounds like a perversion please report them to the police for stalking me and get them the psychiatric care they wo desperately need before they harm me if they haven't already.
Do you not understand that I am the victim of several violent people and that if you did something weird to me even if you did it thinking you were doing good in harming me you are the monster and you are a violent person and I am your victim because of you delusions or beliefs or whatever sick reason that exists only in your head or the head of the sicko who encouraged you to harm me for them? What did you think you were doing? What is wrog with you? As your victim I pray every day that you suffer for what you did, you might think in harming me you did the work of god, you didn't, you did the dirty work of satan and to me you are satan. If you tried to kill me in any way shape or form and did not succeed only leaving me injured or disabled, that makes you a murderer regardless and you will always be a murderer even if I am alive.
When I was in my teens and early 20s I would sometimes, in addition to my millions of other career ideas, tell people that when I was older I was going to travel the world as a starving artist and speak out against the injutices of the world, and because of social media I've had the opportunity to do just that! Thank you for letting me live one of my dreams :)
If you don't like me, that is your opinion, chances are if you don't like me I don't like you, and there are lots of people who do like me, and from experience I've found that those who say they do not like specific people it usually is someone they are jealous for whatever reason and they say nasty things because the only way they have to get ahead in life is abuse reagrdless if it is verbal abuse or physical abuse. As the saying goes: those who can't cheat, and that's what you are, a cheater not a winner. That said, just because you befriend a group of cows who are just as lonely and desperate to be popular and successful as you are and have the same psychiatric problems including an inability to sympathize with other people and justification for the violence you commit against the people who are are either jealous of or delusionally think are your competitors, doesn't mean you are a winner, it means you are a loser who has equally desperate and abusive friends willing to commit the samekind of violence you are to get ahead in life and the only people who like or want to be friends with desperate cows who do that sort of thing are other desperate cows. The only way people like that know how to get ahead in life is to hurt others or slander others with lies, there is a big difference between a lie and the truth, if you tell the truth you never have to remember the story because it's the same over time other of course no one has a perfect memory, but if you are always lying about someone, it's really hard to silence them and to get them to stop talking or being themself or to bury their past when it proves all the things you made up were wrong and out of your own personal anger and resentment. Just like some 2 year olds have a tempertantrum when another kid gets a nicer toy and fake cries saying how much they hate the other kid those same types of children grow to do the same thing as adults and fake cry and scream and yell not when they are hurt or in pain or something bad happens but when they don't have as nice of a dress or make-up or dishes or hair or car or house and say bad things about the other person because no one ever bothered to discipline them as children so they go thru life believing all the have to do is pretend to cry and make up a story to get their way, unfortunately as adults they can prove their stories are true and I've met way to many people like that including the man who the police let take me to court, he told me lots of stories then when I asked questions about them later he couldn't remember his original version, guess that's why he had to put it on paper on not show up to court after he manipulated the cops into letting him take his victim to court.
I don't know what your fantasies are, but they are really weird and horrifying. Maybe you'd like to think I was arrested and dragged into a police station and interrogated until I confessed to stalking a man who assaulted, actually, I was emailing with the policeman back and forth and agreed to come into his station at a specific time to talk with him then all I did was cry hysterically over my stalker and the only thing he said to me that was remotely close to being interrogated was something like: "I understand, you were in love with him!" and I was like sobbing, my stalker sent me pictures of dead mutilated cats and I think he might or might not be my stalker, I don't know!!!! and every time I emailed the policeman my gmail advertisement read: "he would make a lovely corpse" and I sent it to him. Who does that? It really read that every single time as like the "random quote of the day."...
I've had LOTS of jobs i my life, I was making breakfast at Harvey at 6am when I was 16 and folding jeans in 2 stores that same summer and teaching waterpolo, that was my life when I was 16, I didn't have glamourous teenaged jobs or anything special fall into my life when I quit swimming at 15 after trying out for the oplympics at 14, unlike girls who are like 24 when they try out for the olympics, I was 14 so a child and I didn't get the luxury of being treated like a princess and star and having celebrities take me on dates or of marrying a football star, my life was making scrambled eggs for strangers at 6am in the morning and pancakes and serving coffee and until 11am when I would serve hamburgers until noon and finished my shift then when to a pool in the afternoon to teach waterpolo and to the mall to fold jeans. When I was 18 I was sweeping the floors in a movie theatre and serving popcorn in addition to announcing movies and hosting kids birthday parties in a horrible uniform and getting home at midnight on school nights, after that job I did telephone surveys while still in high school taking 2 buses to get to work and getting off at 10 or 11pm then going to school the next day. After that an art store in first year for 2 months and a tuxedo rental store for 6 weeks summer after first year OCAD 2nd year I didn't work, after 2nd year I worked fulltime all summer in a flower shop and part time all year during school, then full time all summer in 2 flower shops after third year, then part time in a bedding store at the begining of 4th year which I quit because I had to do a one day a week unpaid internship. I didn't work 2nd semester 4th year and got a full time job half way thru summer and worked full time commuting into the city while taking a night school course to finish my degree. I went to school without working from january 2005 to summer 2006 believing that would lead to a job paying 100k/year if I studied for 4 years longer but I was failing a course so dropped it and transfered into grad school believing that alternatively that woul dalso lead to a job paying $100k/year in 4 or 5 years after graduation and hopeully a husband, I worked only 6 weeks in summer 2006 because I couldnt find a job anywhere and even applied to a job at a store that sells sex toys and was rejected but then spent those weeks driving 1.5hours each way to work 8 hours doing computer research all morning then making phone calls all afternoon. I didn't work first year in grad school for 8 months, I was only a student, then I worked full-time in a co-op job, went back to school and took on a part time student job on campus and full time studies along with volunteer work throughout my undergrad and grad school education along with part time and short term full tim jobs. I've had people say to me that they are disgusted that I would advertise that I've never had a full time job, I've had lots of random jobs, but no one has ever offered me in all those years a job with a salary that can afford the things I need to survive and attract a man to marry me. Money is my biggest obstacle and so is health and dental and I didn't even have dental insurance from the time I started grad school in 2006 to 2013 when doctors decided I was a disabled person. HAve I worked? I worked so hard for so many years while I was in school that by the time I was disabled I was also completely burnt out and didn't even have it in my to try at anything anymore because it was a complete waste of time considering all the other people who I've known or met who did nothing in life but have like 2 or 3 part time jobs then land a full time job right out of school and everything they could dream of, I've never been that lucky. It's not that I am a lazy person, I worked so hard I didn't even sleep many nights until after I went to school the next day just to get my homework done on time or write an exam. That is my realy life. I don't want to be a disabled person but I am, and my life has been somehow very hard compared to lots of other people and I really think that maybe because I was a child athlete there are really unstable people who've been taking their anger out on me since I was a child instead of giving me the things I needed in life to be sucessful. I just can't do slave labour anymore, and that is what I've been subjected to, I paid to be abused in university and that shouldn't happen to anyone, I was abused financially and emotionally and sexually because I went to university thinking I would get a job, I don't know what some mentally ill people thought they were doing to me, but I've never had like a fancy modeling job or paid athletic career or made more than $1000 off my artwork, I was rejected from modeling agencies or told to pay $1500 to sign up and I didn't have that money or sent resumes for 1000s yes, I applied to thousands of jobs I never heard back from or was rejected from. I've had people say to me, why aren't you out on your own or married or with kids at 32, I would love to have those things in life, but I didn't get picked, I got rejected all the time from everything and watched all the other girls see their dreams come true and have more money than I could dream of. I really had a horrible person ask me if I'd ever felt pain in my life, I've felt so much pain emotionally and physically and financially starting in my childhood that I can't even cry over things that would make most women burst into tears or slit their wrists because I know pain so much worse. I really don't care what people think of me and I am not embarassed while they sit around embarassed by me because they are so materialistic and superficial that even if I had one small nice thing they'd want to ruin it because they don't deserve a thing they have. Pain isn't when a girl is prettier than you on your wedding day or when your present isn't expensive enough or when a girl shows up at your party in a prettier dress or even when another woman reports rape allegations against your man, pain is when you are the one who was attacked, pain is when you are the girl the mentally ill unstable bride fixates on and wants to torture to be the most beautiful because she is so vain and has no concept of her violence. I am not even going to start on what pain is because I know 100% that the people who have commited violence towards me do not even know what pain is. I've been asked if I am suicidal by more than one therapist and I've told them I am not because that is the truth, I do not and never wanted to die, I have too many hopes and dreams of things that make me happy, that is the problem with people like me, my happiness is inside of me, my personality and who I am inside doesn't have any interest in ending my life because I want so many good things, the problem is I've been prevented from having those things as a direct result of other people who have abused me or intentionally inflicted emotional abuse or trauma or denied me of things, and I do not want to die, I want to live and be married and have kids and small things make me happy and that makes the people who have repeatedly harmed me in my life so angry because they are the ones who want to die, they are the ones who want to end their own life and stop their own suffering and the only way they can possible let out their anger and frustration and jealousy is to hurt over and over and over again because they want happy people like me to be just as miserable inside as they are and no matter how many times they harm me, inside I don't want any of my hopes and dreams to die and I wouldn't ever try to steal anyone else's hopes or dreams only encourage and uplift them.
What I find unfortunate about universities in Canada like McMaster is that they seem to not have the best or the brightest of society but the most unstable people who are almost good enough but not quite, they want to be known as being elite but unfortunately they recruit those with inflated grades who have unstable personalities and use violence to get ahead in life rather than their own abilities. They don't bring in the champion athletes from city teams but the ones who played on school teams, they don't bring in the lead in the school play but the one who got an A+ in drama. They pamper the sons and daughters of the uneducated by inflating their grades so they can say they made a difference in a child's life while denying the children of their very own graduates opportunities or a sense of belonging. Instead of making the children of their graduates feel a part of their family and community they intentionally make things harder for them and give them lower grades to show they will not give special treatment to anyone but instead they are commiting violence towards young people and unesseccary pain and suffering and damage to their confidence and sense of self worth making them feel excluded and somehow not worthy of being a member of the same social group as their parents while the lower educated kids are treated with a sense of belonging and showered with awards and scholarships and ceremonies of recognition. They don't bring in the kids who succeeded in anything, rather they just leave them to suffer in distress after child exploitation and the ones who did nothing of value are rewarded. It's not okay, and it's not even success if an undeserving young person is given inflated grades and a free ride in life solely because they were born into poverty, it's inflating their ego and not teaching them a thing about hard work or dedication to anything or life, the words "you don't deserve it" seem to be lacking in these institutions and instead replaced with opportunities to equalize or psychologically abuse the deserving person not based on merit. There is nothing to be proud of when a person who does not deserve an opportunity in the first place ends up in a well paying job owning nice things, it's not an accomplishment, it's not teaching them a thing about life only that things shoul dbe handed to them on a silver platter and that they are to abuse the children of the poeple who worked hard to get their kids opportunities rather than expecting hand outs. Based on my socio-economic upbringing and childhood accomplishments I should have by now had at least a master's degree, travelled the world, won a few awards in university, had progressive jobs paying above average wages and been married to someone with a masters degree or higher with a good job affording a nice 4 bedroom home, 2 cars, and pre-school for our 2 kids along with a closet of designer clothing. But I do not have any of those things because they were given to the undeserving, not the needy, not the somehow independently talented, but the undeserving from uneducated backgrounds and less intelligent parents who are less athletic and less artistic and only understand the concept of charity and a free ride in life. Those same people don't understand that if I get a pretty kitchen serving platter they do not get one too because they grew up being handed everything for free just to make them feel better, they do not understand that charity stopped when they were employed in jobs paying as much as the people who made donations to the organizations giving them free things, they do not understand that my personal income is a poverty income and I cannot give to them not only because I have nothing to give but because they make 5 to 20 times my income and they are now to give to me, they do not understand the concept of giving, only taking and it doesn't matter if you give them $150k/year in income, they will still never be happy if the girl from the university educated parents family is in her 30s, disabled, and with only under $10,000 of yearly income buys a turkey platter they are desperate to own but maxed out their borrowing already to live the high life meant for multi-millionaires not people making $150k at 33. I see them, they all act as if they are still so poor they need to be given things and instead they need to learn the concept of giving it away. I cannot ever imagine getting jealous and going on a rampage over a $210 turkey platter or a $175 box of gold-platted utensils, they are completely insignificant values considering one undergraduate university credit in Canada cost about $600 and a grad school credit like $1500, for less then the price of an undergraduate university credit, most students take 10 a year, you can have a box of gold platted utensils and a $210 turkey platter and matching bowls, for the price of a grad school credit you can refurnish your bedroom with a complete bedroom-suite and decorations and linens! That is how insignificant the sum of money. Some of my university textbooks cost as much as that box of gold platted utensils!!! You can own the entire matching set of dishes to go with the platter for the price of ONE grad school credit!! What is wrong with you?
If you are a woman with the delusion I am interested in your husband or had that delusion in the past, you have a severe psychiatric problem. If you harmed me based on your delusion you are a violent offender and I am your victim and if you harmed me in any way shape or form the only place you belong is prison sharing a cell with a really butchy lesbian for at least a decade and my wish is that he can sit and watch you suffering in prison for attacking a girl you developed an obsessive delusion about. I really would sit in a court room and watch you dragged off to prison and it would bring me so much pleasure to hear that you are suffering for attacking me in the only place people like you belong: prison with a lesbian butch lover for the rest of your life for torturing single girls.
Maybe you really truly believe that god wants you to injure and disfigure pretty women to prove that being pretty on the outside means they are ugly on the inside, if you take even 10 seconds o think about that analogy, it's the equivalent of saying that a black person is dumber than a white person, it is racism and and any violence you commit towards a person because you see them as attractive only proves that you are a horrible selfish violence homicidal psychopath who is severely racists towards attractive women and you are commiting a hate crime. I can't imagine EVER thinking it was okay to injure a person for being attractive, that is sick beyond words. REALLY the ONLY difference between a PRETTY GIRL and an UGLY GIRL is that the PRETTY ONE takes time to work out and eat healthy foods and take care of her hair and skin and puts on some make-up and styles her hair and the UGLY GIRL refuses to work out and eats garbage and refuses to style her hair or wear make-up. It's REALLY EASY to turn an ugly girl into a pretty girl, all she needs is to get to the gym and put on some makup and take a blow drier and curling iron to her hair, yes it takes time, it's called personal hygene, and it's a VERY important thing for ALL women. Why would you EVER want to hurt me because I refuse to dye my hair an ugly shade of blah or leave the house without make-up? I was born with blonde hair, my hair is now naturally medium blonde that some poeople unfortunately refer to as dirty blonde as if I must be dirty, and yes, dirty blonde is a racist term for a woman with medium or dark blonde hair, but I dye my hair 2 levels lighter than my natural colour (I've read a woman should never dye her hair more than 2 shades lighter or darker to look natural and it's just enough to conceal the few white hairs I have oddly in a line along where a right part would be but fortunately I part on the left...I've read bad reviews about the dye I use by women who say it doesn't work, their hair does not turn blonde like the picture, it's because if you read the rest of the box it says if you have brown hair it will give you a lighter shade of brown and if you have red hair it will give you a lighter shade of red. It's not the kind of dye you buy to go from dark brown to platinum, it's the kind you buy to enhance your natural colour without damaging it too much, cover a few greys, and to coat your hair with shine silly! ) and so people sometimes ask if it is natural, brunettes have to go up like 7 levels of lift to get my colour, but really I don't know why anyone would ever think I needed to dye my hair 5 levels darker than my natural colour and put on ugly thick glasses and wear no make-up and a skirt to my below my knees to be deemed intelligent and respectable, that is called racism and bigotry and violence towards women. We need to create a society that looks down at women who refuse to take care of themselves rather than encourage the ones who do to stop taking care of themselves. I've met girls who complain about pretty girls but they also complain about even spending 10 minutes in the morning to put on tinted moisturizer and mascara and a curling iron to their hair, if you are going to complain about the time you are lazy, you are not superior for refusing to take care of your appearance, you have poor hygene and that is why you are ugly, 10 minutes could take you from ugly to pretty without a single surgery but you refuse out of laziness. NEVER put down a woman who takes care of her appearance, praise and reward her and tell her how great she looks. Furthermore, for a scientific personality incapable of understanding the basic concepts of person hygene, did you completely miss the theories of evolution and natural selection and survival of the fittest? Thru natural selection men and women choose the most attractive partner they can find to mate with, thru survival of the fittest, the most athletic, intelligent, and healthy survive thru the elements and nature and like man-on-man violence fighting to the death for a meal or the best cave to sleep in, and thru evolution the prettiest most athletic an intelligent persons made it to the 20th century by NOT mating with the uglier, less athletic, and less intelligent persons so like miniature humans became extinct! So what happens when we mess with evolution? we will have a society of ugly, out of shape, fat, stupid people and the IQ level will just keep declining along with attractiveness, you can say it's not what you look like, but it is what you look like, and it is your body shape, and it is your intelligence, your offrping will not just miraculously look like beautiful swans if you are duck mating with a pigeon. I am not a scientist or a medical person, I studied art/design, math, and athletics, I cannot do anything else because I seem to be too dumb, but even I know a duck and a pigeon cannot give birth to a swan just like a swan and a pigeon will not give birth to a swan but a swan-pigeon.
Maybe you think the things you did to me in the past were somehow okay and part of your past and that you get to move on and it was all part of growing up, well unfortunately for your victim it was a crime and your victim has not moved on and your victim needs to see you in prison for closure and your victim will never see you are whoever you want to be now or in the future because what you did requires by law a prison sentence and it will not be forgotten until you serve it. Your little mistake and lesson in being young had a victim, me, and your victim will not allow you to walk away and pretend it didn't happen, your victim wants the world to know what you did, and your victim wants you to be haunted for life by your crime and your victim wants you to have a criminal record for what you did to her, and if you are scared your kids will find out what you did, that is the consequence of your actions and you should have considered that before you commited acts of violence not after over your embarassment.
Unfortunately, although you might believe otherwise, when you did those things to me in my 20s you were not a child making mistakes learning about right and wrong not yet able to understand the consequences of your actions out like teasing a girl in the school yard at 12 or like stealing gum from store on the encouragement of other kids at 14 not yet able to know it was wrong, you were an adult 100% capable of knowing what you did was wrong and you did it anyways. It's not like a lawsuit or getting a patent on an idea where there is a limitation period where you must file by a certain date or it expires, it lasts forever and in 50 years you could to prison for your actions because you were not 12 or 15 or 17, you were over the age of majority and that is why it's not a mistake of your childhood and it wasn't in response to a trauma, it's a crime you commited clearly out of reclessness or your internal demons of anger as an adult, I am your victim, and you have outstanding debts that will not disappear until you serve your punishment.
This is the difference between me and you: I have to go thru my life knowing that I am the victim of a group of psychopaths. You have to go thru life knowing you are a weirdo, a freak-outcast pervert, and a homicidal psychopath who attacked me, if I die anytime before my life-expectancy of like 80-something you will be the psychopath who murdered me, regardless you will ALWAYS be the psychopath who attacked me no matter what you use to justify your actions, you are the freak, you are the weirdo, you are the pervert lunatic, and I will always be your victim and I hope that thought haunts you at night and keeps you from sleeping and leaves you having nightmares forever and if it doesn't then it's just more proof of the monster that lives inside you no matter what your age young or old, male or female, you are the monster, you are evil and you are the freak with the fantasies about harming the single female grad student. I wasn't the one collecting all your internet information and storing your pictures and postings on my computer, you were the one doing that to me because you are the one who is sick and disturbed and a perverted sociopath and as your victim all I ever wanted was my life to just be normal and like it was again but because of you I now lost all my friends and am alone, it's all because of you because you are the freak psycho weirdo sociopath pervert.
Maybe you know people I went to various universities with and they have fabulous sucessful lives and lots of money and nice homes and cars, I wasn't as good as them, no one wanted to give me work to buy those things and men didn't want me for anything other than sex in my 20s, my life hasn't been easy, it's been really really hard. I am not one of the lucky ones, I am one of the real ones, I am the one who wasn't offered a good job to afford a fabulous life but sexually abused and battered emotionally and financially and physically and left disabled and poor. That is my real life, and yes, I know most people think I am trash and not even worth inviting to be a guest at their wedding, I don't even know what it's like to be treated with dignity and respect or as a person worthy of a non-family wedding invitation and even then, people in my family stopped inviting me to their weddings, I am just too low-class for them to even want to invite. That is my real life. I know there are people who want me to do something, but I did do lots and wasn't ever paid for it and now that I am disabled I cannot and I am 100% aware that in not being invited to any weddings in my 20s or 30s that I was considered a marginalized woman even before I was sexually assaulted and stalked in my mid 20s, no one wanted me and they all thought I was trash and not even deserving of a nice present or party invitation.
Maybe you heard that when I was 13 I qualified to try out for the Olympics and when I was 14 I did try out but came in like last of all the competitors at the swim meet, I was a child and barely remember that time in my life and it wasn't a happy time for me but a sad time in my life because I was under way too much pressure for a child, that should be reserved only for adults 18 and over, I 100% believe that children under the age of 18 should not be allowed to travel for sport or compete in international competitions. I've never even seen the Olympics in person, for one I've never had enough money to travel to see them anywhere in the world and second, there are a million things on my to-do list before I'd ever even want to go see them like buy my first car and get married and have a wedding and wear a white dress and have a baby and own a house, those things are only dreams for me. I'd love to see the world, I've been to greece when I was 16 with my high school, dominican republic with my sister at 21, and mexico for a family vacation when I was 29, other than that I've only been across Canada and to some parts of the united states but I've never been to places like texas or california or nevadaor south america or africa or the middle east or asia or anywhere in europe other than a couple of airports on the way to my one time in greece. I've never been to New York City but I have been to New York State. I'd love to see paris and india, egypt, morrocco, australia, carribean islands and hawaii, but those places are only places I read about or see in movies and meet people online who live there. I have a little bit of money right now, but I need housewares and to put my home-life first because otherwise I might not ever have anything in my future other than garbage people give to me as unwanted housewares and furniture hand-me-downs from family. YOu have no idea what its like for me to buy fine china, it's a fantasy for me, just like buying bedroom furniture that was partly made with MDF from a big box store. When you've never had anything even a little bit means a lot, just because I was good at swimming as a child and my parents paid for competitions they were at a reduced cost to travelling and just because I was good at that and art and other things doesn't mean I've ever had any income to live off of, I've been independently poor of my parents my whole life, I don't know what life is like to not be independently poor.
I still can't get my head around what kind of a pervert damages a girl's belongings or appearance, and even worse then that, what a girl survives her belongings being damaged, violent crime, and stalking, what kind of a person would further damage her belongings in a violent rage when it's been decided she is a disabled person, what kind of sociopathic perverted psycho would ever damage a disabled person's belongings or appearance when those are some of the injuries that needed to be repaired? Only the sickest of the sick would do such horrible things. I can't imagine what would make a person so perverted that they would damage the belongings or appearance of an already injured and disabled person in recovery from being the victim of violent crimes. Only the lowest of the low of society would attack a disabled person and only the lowest of the low of society, the scum of the earth would make claims that a medically disabled person is not disabled and I know 100% that my perpetrators probably go around making grande claims that I am not disabled as doctors decided and complain rather than uplift me and let me just feel some dignity until I am considered recovered if ever. The last thing I want is to lose more hair or see my things damaged or my skin damaged or more body pains, I just want my life to be like it was before I was the vicitm of crimes and I can't imagine how sick a person would have to be to make claims that a girl doctors decided is incapable of working due to her injuries is not disabled and that they are free to abuse her. Just because I seemed like I was getting better did not give you permission to abuse me, it meant I was getting better and it was reason for you to be happy for me and hope that my body continues to get better so I can be married and have a family and own a nice house like I dreamed I would when I was the victim of crime and stalking in my mid-20s. Only a monster would attack or say bad things about a disabled girl who was disabled by crimes. Maybe you are from a country outside of Canada and believed that in Canada people got together to help women who've been the victim of violence, the complete opposite is true about Canada, in Canada people attack woman who've been raped or stalked, they don't uplift them then tear them down to prove the innocence of the people who abused them, they do horrible things to them if they are disabled and not able to work and if they are not married they are horrible and cruel and violent towards them and don't care. That is the real Canada, that is my Canada, I don't live in a world that uplifts single sex crime and stalking victims, I live in a world where if a single woman is attacked no one really cares other than trying to prove she is a liar and if she is even half attractive they hurt her, and hurt her more if her injuries start to heal. That is my Canada, that is the life I've lived, that is my real life, people batter single not married women and no one cares, that is the real Canada. I live in a country where if a single girl is raped and stalked society doesn't want to help her or give her proper medical attention or a job, they want to see her injured and suffering and live in poverty and be homeless and marginalized so no one has to think about the bad things that people do in our country to girls, when a girl is a victim of the things I've been the victim of, people want to impoverish and disfigured and make certain she disappears so no one has to be reminded rather than uplifting her and giving her a future. Maybe Canadians sometimes take girls who've been victimized in other countries to uplift and make their dreams come true, but to the girls born in Canada, the complete opposite is our reality, we are marginalized and left to live in poverty and no one wants to acknowledge that Canadian men and women commit horrible unspeakable acts of violence towards girls before they even have the chance to live life as women.
I think that a very big problem has been created in the age of the internet, so many people conceal their identities in the belief that they need to censor their online reputation that we have exposed the really shaddy characters who have jobs they didn't earn or do not deserve. It's not about making your life public or private, it's about being yourself in all parts of your life and not attempting to hide some parts and share others. I know privacy is important, but if you feel you need to hide very basic information about your life like your picture, you job, your education, or your family, in the delusion you are so important that you need privacy, you are not a good person, you are in a job you didn't earn, you are not friendly, you are not compassionate, you aren't even nice. That is jut my observation. There are so many so called social media experts now who make lists of ways to protect your identity, but they miss the very important social aspect that it is healthy for humans to interact, share, and be friendly with others in all parts of their life, if someone feels the need to hide and be secretive online, it's no different than someone who is a sociophobe or controlling psychopath in person with severe social interaction issues and control issues. We all know the story about the rapist who tells his victim that if she tells anyone he'll kill her or someone she cares about, and that same personality type wants to do the same in the interactive online world to the online identities of nice, friendly, kind, interactive, social people when they have commited violence towards that person or they are embarassed about things they said about that person that cannot be proved. I think that personalities have really come to life online, not so much in older generations, but in youner generations like the under 40s you can really see someone's true personality on the internet and that is a beautiful thing. Why so much secrecy? You shouldn't need to make your entire life private or attempt to force others into making their lives private for your reputation unless you personally have psychological problems, social problems, or have some very dark secrets you need to hide. I understand 100% if someone in a dangerous job does not want to share who their wife and kids are but like for most people that is a good thing and brings people closer even if it is over the internet. There are lots of weirdos, I've been the vicitm of them, but there are weirdos in real life too and it's so much worse to be attacked by a weirdo in real life then a weirdo online, I know from experience. If the werido wants to harm you, they will show up at your front door no matter if you on the internet or not. Personally when someone talks about their family and friends online it makes me like them more not less. When a young person shares their normal life of partying and having fun online, I am happy for them for being young and having fun, why censor a normal part of development? Since when should a business be embarassed that a person has friends or attends parties? That makes them a social and interactive person and that is great! If I was a business owner I would hire the open outgoing online personlity type with family, friends, and a social life sharing their ups and downs way before someone who is a sociophobic narcissist who feels the need ot lurk in the shadows peeping on others who are public, that type just gives me the creeps. I think we should treat online socialization as a blessing not a curse, it's only a curse to those who lurk in dark corners concealing their identities and the unstable people who have anger and rage problems and post offensive pictures of others with the intent to do harm or search for people with friends lists to stalk for their personal gain and people like that will do the same online or offline. I do judge you based on what I find out about you online, but the greatest indicator of your personality is not the content but how open you are and friendly and how well you interact with others not if you had a martini with friends or wore a silly costume, because those are completely normal things. I would like to see a new crime created to cover when a person attempts to remove another persons identity from the internet as that is the equivalent of murder, it really it, when a person's victim won't shut up and they kill them it's no different if they do the same online, they are accomplishing the same thing, anyone who is so unstable that they want someone removed from the internet is the cyber-version of a homicidal psychopath seeking retribution, revenge, and to silence their obsession or remove them from their social circle. It's a very serious problem and it really is the social equivalent of murder in the age of the internet and commited by the same personality types who would murder their obsession before the age of the internet. I think that any person who approaches law-enforcement requesting that another person be removed from the internet be treated as a homicidal sociopath and have their motives questioned for why they would want to murder that person, because it is murder.
Maybe you are a person with an abusive personality or psychiatric problems and have delusions of grandeur that I am rich and successful and powerful, unfortunately I've never made a wage above the poverty line in Canada and have never found work beyond temporary entry level paying an hourly wage barely above the minimum wage or student work. Success is based on income, my income has been so low that I am the complete opposite of successful. If you are a high school drop out that has made a wage higher than mine at anything you are more successful than I've ever been at anything in life. If you've had similar work to mine but have been paid more than me you are more successful, maybe you've had similar work that has afforded you the luxury of owning cars or homes, those are only dreams for me. I worked really hard in my teens and 20s before being the vicitm of violent crime and stalking and even after being the victim of various things in my childhood and 20s, but I've never been paid a living wage above the poverty line for anything and you cannot compare someone who is a volunteer or underpaid over worked student with student debt to a person with a salary that affords cars and homes. Maybe you question the men I date but I've never in my life dated a man who made less money than I do, not one man I've ever been on a date with has had an income or salary lower than mine in my adult life, education is meaningless, what's important to me is that I marry someone who can afford to support our family on one income if we have to in order to raise children and own a home and 2 cars and take family vacations in addition to being madly in love and soul-mates.. I've never been offered work that can afford even a mortgage and because of my student debt I probably cannot get a car loan either. I don't know what your fantasies have been about me, horrifying for me really, but I am a really desperate woman and money is my biggest obstacle in life and the only reason I stayed in school because of empty promises that a university education would lead to enough money to own a house and car and have a middle class life-style but instead an education impoverished me.
I was a university grad student when you started abusing me, maybe before I don't know, but I didn't ever have a chance to do anything beyond university 20-something things in life because of you, I didn't get to see my grad school graduation day or any of my friends get married because of you. I am now in my 30s and don't have a social life because of you and I was very popular at 25 as a typical grad student with typical student jobs like a co-op and an on campus student job for a professor and volunteering for things. Why did you do those things to me? Why did you think I didn't deserve to finish grad school and get my first job and see my friends get married? Why would you want to isolate and abuse anyone like that? I was 25, now I am 32 and I am single and disabled living on disability income instead of having a graduate degree and a good well-paying job and a husband because of you. Why did you have to steal all the 20-something things all girls dream of from me like a first real job and a wedding and probably being a bridesmaid in 4 or 5 of my friends weddings and hurt me until I was in my 30s? Did you do that to lots of girls or just to me? Can't you see the pain you created? Are you incapable of seeing that you stole things from me I can never get back and caused me so much pain that I have a trauma disorder and physical body injuries? Did you ever think about me or were you too busy thinking about whatever it was that you wanted to accomplish by abusing a single female student in her 20s? Can you not see that I cannot be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding because they disappeared from my life because of you and got married and did not invite me because of you? Because of YOU I didn't know if my bes friends were terrorizing me or a stranger and I had to tell them all to stop contacting me for my personal safety.
Everyone knows how bad people always go around saying that the things they are accused of are lies, that there is no evidence and they provide a list of supposed facts for reasons why they are innocent and the other person is a bad person. I am 100% certain that is what the men who assualted me did and anyone who is embarassed by their actions towards me, and really, it doesn't matter what you have on paper or what you made up, what matter is that in 10 years your story is the same and what your god will remember when you show up looking for a place in paradise in the afterlife. The worst kind of people are bad people who think they are good.
Looking back over my life, and the fact that currently although I am disabled but happy, I can see a very disturbing pattern and I am 100% aware that I am not the only person subjected to the same sort of thing. I've had periods of extreme distress resulting in anxiety and phobias, but they have not been caused by internal unexplained problems, each and every time I was abused by someone and then suffered emotional distress sometimes for a few minutes where I could feel myself shaking to hours to years of distress based on the severity and the duration of the abuse. Most times that abuse was not perpetrated by a peer in school or those abuses such as bullying and sexual violence from peers caused distress but the real trauma was caused by authority figures in my life whether teachers, parents of other children, coaches, employers, or anyone else who might have had power over my life and my future and my survival. I've never had so little stress in my life as I do now, and the only time I hae anxiety is when I am subjected to reminders of traumas in my past or someone suddenly decides to say or do something abusive towards me, otherwise I am calm and happy, I barely sweat or get shaky, sometimes I cry but only when reminded of the past or when I learn something is wrong with my body that someone else said was fine because of injuries sustained in my past. I do not take any medications to feel happy, I don't lay in bed hoping to die, I lay in bed hoping to sleep and not feel pain so that I can go out and rollerblade and have fun and do that things I love all the time. But consistently the emotional problems I have directly stem from times in my life when I've been put down, neglected and denied assistance when injured or subjected to other forms of violence, and mostly when I've been told that I am a bad person or not good enough or stupid or ugly or poor by persons in positions of power in my life no matter if it happened when I was 9, 12, 14, 17, 18, 22, 25, 26, 27, 30... it doesn't matter the age and nothing inside of me just suddenly caused me to fall into distress, each and every single time something horrible was done to me or said to me by someone who had power over my life or wanted to have power over my life more so than someone my own age saying or doing something mean, sometimes it was a person in power justifying why it was okay for someone who was my peer to harm me, sometimes it was a person in power telling me why I wasn't good enough or pretty enough, and other times it was clearly just neglect. I am happy in my life and I do not have kids or a house or a husband or a fabulous career or a masters degree or phd, but I am happy because I don't experience the same kinds of traumas I was subjected to regularly threatening my survival causing my survival instincts to start spinning. I 100% believe that my condition, the same condition so many others suffer from, could be in part eliminated if society did a better job of protecting young people from abuse of power by persons in positions of authority in their lives so that they can grow into happy, healthy adults. There is not a sinlge medication in the world that can cure the emotional trauma of abuse, the only cure is removing the cause and the trigger and providing love, protection, and a sense of security to the victim. The people who inflict those kinds of emotional scars are always so quick to search for excuses and point their finger at their victim because in their position of power and authority they never accept responsibility for their actions and the only way to end the cycle is to punish the person inflicting the abuse of power.
People sometimes tell me that it is important for me to make new friends and have a social circle again but this is the problem: I don't want to build my life around anyone until I am married, I've never been married and I do not want anyone who is connected to anyone from my past as part of my family's social circle, I do not maintain relationships with men I date, it's either we get married or we will never have any contact again. The rest of my life starts on my wedding day, that is the day where I plan to build my future around whoever I marry and not before, so for me finding friends to hang out with is less important than finding a man to marry because I don't want any baggage from the past only to start from day one on the day I get married and wear a white dress and move forward from there, the people from my past are not going to move into my future with me or my family in anything I do, only new people and new connections and a new life as husband and wife. If a man doesn't want a wife who doesn't have a big group of friends, he isn't for me, I come as one person without any baggage or any connections and that is how I want it to be. There is only me, no one else is part of the package until I have a wedding ring and have been a bride.
You might wonder how I plan to keep my kids from ever allowing anyone from my past to communicate with them, it's easy. I will teach them from the start that if a person I haven't introduced them to says "Hello" they are to point at them and start screaming "stranger danger stranger danger stranger danger!!HELP HELP HELP!! STRANGER DANGER!!"... That's my plan.
I 100% believe that some people just have an energy that uplifts you and others just drain all your energy and that the dark ones draining your energy just go around stealing your sparkle all the time and it's like the only way they can possibly get a fix is to plug in and steal more of your sparkle taking that bright white light all around you and filling it up with a raincloud and it's not your fault, they just have no other way of existing other than by stealing your bright light. And I know it sounds all religious but I do think some people are dark souls and others are light souls and that the dark souls come around and attack the light souls stealing their energy and zapping it away then moving on to zap some more... I used to meditate sometimes based on readings I'd done and spend time imagining I had roots of light that went down into the earth and up in to the sky breathing in white light and exhaling dark energy and it really seemed to help uplift me when I was feeling drained by people with dark souls. I remember there was a prayer I read many years ago in a book where you think in your head something like "fill this space with the bright light of the holy spirit and cast out all evil" and I would think it then picture a big huge golden dome of light over the space and according to the book if you did that evil people wouldn't be able to take it anymore and do something out of agitation or leave. I don't know, I should try it again while I am going about my day sometime and see if it works... superstitious I know, but I am willing to try anything. In my opinion the cross over my bedroom door at the end of summer 2013 did cast out evil and I am very proud to say it seems to have worked... I also put a stack of bibles on a bookshelf outside my bedroom door around the same time just in case... That said I have a prayer for those reading this page: "Dear God, surround all my internet profiles with the white light of the holy spirit and cast out all evil people giving them lives of hardship damning them to eternity in the burning fires of hell and fill those who are good people following me or reading what I've posted with white light and let them have lives of happiness, love, wealth, and health as a reward for being good, kind, caring people then spend the afterlife being showered with sweet blessings and peaceful rest. Amen. "
I've never had any alcohol or drug addictions, but I have had my skin damaged on my face and arms in a spa and from products I used, sometimes you have to be really careful when you judge people, the drug addict is sometimes the one with the injections in her face and the health nut has facial injuries from assault or allergies
My life is what REAL LIFE is like in Canada. You only hear about the young women who were given fabulous jobs with high incomes and opportunities to travel the world and about their wonderful weddings and homes and cars, you don't hear about the women like me who were born into average middle class families, struggled to get into post secondary school, struggled to find work and took underpaid jobs or volunteer work hoping to one day get a job to pay off student debt and end up living on social assistance, there are women like me who went to university and chose prostitution to pay off their student debts and have income to live off of who have pimps who sell them to men for sex after they go to college and university with promises of careers and jobs at the end but that is only for the few who are chosen in the lottery, they arent's stripping their way thru college only to have a fabulous job as a lawyer or policewoman or doctor or banker or designer at the end, they are doing it AFTER they go to school because they are so poor they cannot pay back their debt from tuition and no one offers them work. That is the real Canada.
You might think that I somehow must be lying because you think it's impossible that I was in a domestically abusive relationship then sexually assaulted by 2 men, but statistically I am the lucky one, statistically I have been abused less than other women if you look at how many men I've dated over my life and how many of them have commited violence towards me. I just counted 21 men I've had various romantic relationships with in my life, of those 4 physically abused me at least once and a 5th verbally abused me, the others were just break ups. And so that is only 5 out of 21 relationships, less than 20% of them have been violent towards me. Given that I've read half of women will be assaulted in her life, that is way below the average, I should have experienced 10 abusive ex-boyfriends not 5 according to Canadian statistics.
Just to make it clear once again: I am considered disabled right now, doctors told me that my conditions might improve, I keep getting better and feeling great and like myself again then I get sick again or developing physical reactions with no known source even when I buy the products I am not allergic to and when I replace them my conditions seem to improve. I do not have a degenerative illness but for whatever reason I keep having episodes of getting sick like I am exposed to something environmental and have the same reactions including hairloss and rashes and coughing and feeling out of sorts and dizzy then I get well again. I will never make a full recovery to who I was before but I've been told I might be well enough to not be disabled. I do not want to be disabled, that decision was made for me, I hope to be not disabled by 2015 but unfortunately it takes a lot of time to work out what I am allergic to and not allergic to and what prescription I need for my eyes to have the best vision I can and what medication works best for my left leg pain. I think it's unfortunate that some people clearly do not understand that with all my medical appointments and trial and error in testing new products and trying products to erase damage to my skin I can't work because I would miss way too much time at any job and in addition to that I really cannot concentrate for long periods of time yet. If I seem "not disabled" it's because that is what doctors hope will happen for me and I need to be "not disabled" for a period of time to make certain I do not become "disabled" again as it seems to be physically episodic, even my optometrist told me that he is confused as my vision seems to be episodic, sometimes it's great and other times I cannot see with the same lenses for no apparent reason because the next day it is fine without even trying a new lense. So I think it's important that people know I do not want to be disabled, I am making the best of a bad situation and I hope to be "not disabled" in the future because my body is filled with injuries.
**** PLEASE NOTE IF READING MY RESUME: I had several student or temporary rescent graduate jobs but I was not selected by any of those employers for full-time salaried work beyond the short-term contract period. I have no affiliation with those organizations and they have no intention of offering me full-time salaried work just like the 100s of other students who they also hired on a short term basis. If you need to contact someone from one of those organizations you will need to locate the people who were hired on a full-time salaried long-term permanent basis as I was one of the 100s of rejected candidates for whoever they picked to be permanent and long term and those people are paid lots of money to do those full time permanent jobs so they can afford to own nice homes, take nice vacations, own nice things, and afford to have children, if you cannot locate them online because they've made their identities very private you will need to contact those organizations because I don't even know anyone who works for any of them anymore as too many years have passed since completing those short term student jobs. I am a disabled person who had zero income, as in no income from April 2008 to March 2013 when I was put on disability. During that time I was supported by my parents as are most students although I was disabled and going to medical appointments not school. I do not work for anyone and my only income is disability for people who are injured and might recover or are permanently disabled for life.**
I AM CONSTANTLY UPDATING EDITING AND DELETING DATA ON THIS PAGE UNTIL HOPEFULLY I CAN RESOLVE BEING THE VICTIM OF VIOLENT CRIME AND STALKING
I don't know why a group of weirdos terrorized me, what the purpose is, or what they want from me. I would really appreciate a letter of explaination because I really don't understand why they've been so horrible and cruel and psychopathic towards me instead of nice to me. It's absolutely horrifying. Please write me a letter explaining why you want to harm me because I really can't think of any valid reason anyone would ever want to terrorize me in the first place unless they were trying to prove the innocence of a man or woman who assaulted me.
If you need validation that I am indeed a female and not a transvestite or a hermaphrodite or a unic, you can contact the Toronto Police Department as two female officers watched as I removed my clothing for them in March of 2009 and had me stand facing the wall and squat for them 3 times, so they can confirm that I do indeed have a vagina and lady parts as well as 32C breasts.
I know this might sound ridiculous, but when I look in the mirror now although I don't see the me I remember from when I was 18, 22, 24 or 25, I am happy to say I do not see the retarded person I saw in the mirror I saw over the last few years and didn't recognize. I can't say that I like how I look, I just don't look retarded anymore just damaged, and anything is better than seeing a retarded person in the mirror with weird stained brown hair and a crocked face staring back at you cross-eyed. Now I just see a really slutty looking woman and that is okay with me even with the weird marks on my face that are still sometimes traumatizing.. Sometimes I look in the mirror expecting to see the retarded girl looking back at me and am suprised she isn't there.
Adding insult to injury what's just as bad as being attacked and stalked is the way I was treated by doctors, other medical professionals, and the police, seeing how corrupt people in those professions can be and discovering that I am not a person, that I have no rights, and that my life has so little value that I am nothing more than a mouse in a trap for their entertainment after they helped monsters walk free and probably celebrated, it's horriyfing to know that people are willing to change and dispose of information and carefully choose what to share and what to delete just to bury a girl who won't shut up, but I am still alive, and the day I was allowed to use the internet again I wrote as much as I could about what happened to me because the world deserves to know there are really horrible corrupt people in Canada working in medicine and for police and I know I am not the only victim. I am alive, but I am fairly certain that many of the girls like me are now dead.
I think one detail that the sickos who attacked me missed is this: I was a grad student who hadn't even transitioned in life from university to the working work yet, I was single and never married and never lived with a boyfriend, I had parents who were looking forward to my graduation and me finding my first job and getting married, but I didn't get to graduate, I didn't get to have my first real job, and I didn't get a wedding, I didn't get any of those things in my 20s and now I am a 30-something disabled single girl with a university degree that was completed in 2004 but never resulted in full-time work. My parents just like all the other parents of girls, were waiting for my graduation and for my wedding day and for me to buy my first home and have my first child and they still are waiting for those things and they may or may not happen for me because I was attacked and terrorized before I even got to see my grad school graduation day.
Maybe you did something to me and think it's so long ago I should be over it, I am not over it, it's still like it happened yesterday for me, and I want to move on but cannot because my body is a reminder of the pain, the suffering, and the trauma and without closure and seeing justice served I cannot move on because the memories haunt me and will haunt me forever.
I know there are people who would be so embarassed if they were me and they'd hide under a rock and want to disappear and die, but I am a really social person and even tho I am disabled I love to be around people and share and talk and I'd rather have a place where I can be myself even if that is only online if I am not well enough to always be myself in person.
I now only use the internet for connecting with my new artist and designer friends, I no longer have a facebook profile for connecting with family, they can do so by calling me on the phone. If you would like to be my new friend, please find me at either of the links below:
I have a Blog on Facebook (you don't have to like this page, just visit it if you are interested): https://www.facebook.com/carolynmariedesigner
Follow me on Behance: http://www.behance.net/carolynmariekorneluk?
Professionally Trained Conceptual Artist With One Year of Gifted Highschool Art (1998-99) and OCAD University Foundations Year in Art (2000-01)
- Sep 7, 1998 - Current
Professionally Trained Textile Artist and Designer With a Bachelor of Design including 3 Years Specialized in Material Art & Design Fibre Arts/Textiles @ OCAD University (2001-2004)
- Sep 3, 2001 - Current
Cake Decorator with Certificates in Buttercream, Tiered Cakes, and Fondant
- Feb 27, 2010 - Current
Completed Some Business Administration Courses (January 2005-April 2006 @ York University & September 2006 to March 2009 @ McMaster University)
- Jan 3, 2005 - Mar 27, 2009
- Withdrew from Graduate School @ McMaster University due to stalking/violence in good academic standing, will not return, MBA will remain incomplete because I will not put myself into danger just to get an education and find a husband. This was supposed to be a happy/positive experience for me, and it was the complete opposite. While other people my age spent the years from 25 to 30 growing into their young adult life, travelling, having fun, getting married and starting their careers and families, I spent those years in a state of constant terror and chronic pain and lost 5 years and probably more to violence, I will never be 27, 28, 29, or 30 years old EVER because of selfish acts of violence committed by monsters. I didn't even get past the education part of starting my career. I am content in the fact I am alive and although my life was torn to shreds by violence, I can walk, I can see, I can talk, I refuse to call myself a survivor because I did not survive, but I get to live.
Completed Four-Year Bachelor of Design (September 2000 to December 2004) @ OCAD University
- Sep 4, 2000 - Dec 17, 2004
BORN: September 17th, 1981 in Mississauga, Ontario, CANADA, a city within the Greater Toronto Area
- Sep 17, 1981
Carolyn's 19th Birthday, First Semester of University 2000
- Sep 17, 2000
Carolyn's 30th Birthday September 17th 2011
- Sep 17, 2011
Carolyn's 14th Birthday, Started Grade 9 in 1995
- Sep 17, 1995
Carolyn's 25th Birthday September 2006
- Sep 17, 2006
First Noticed a Psychopath Started Contacting Me Over The Internet (Estimated Date June 2007) It could have been sooner but I didn't notice. At First it Seemed Charming and Mysterious and I Wondered with my Friends if I had a Secret Admirer, Then It Quickly Turned Creepy in Fall 2007
- Jun 4, 2007
Child Competitive Swimmer Competing up to the National Women's Open Level as one of the youngest competitors starting age 13. Quit in my mid-teens. This was the average Children's Organized Sports Team with a Successful Olympian for our Head Coach and although without my consent swim meets were broadcast on Television, I was not paid to swim, my parents paid for me to swim, the enire team had many sponsors but it was still expensive, and I quit when still a child. At 14 I was lucky enough to try out for the Olympics but didn't even make semi-finals, I've never even seen the Olympics in person and it was something I wanted to do as a child, but now that I am 31 I have other things I would do first if I had money like buy my first home or car and take a trip maybe to morroco then egypt over to india. Unfortunately as London Ontario Canada is a small isolated city I had some schizophrenics who had grandiose delusions I was a famous superstar because of the local paper causing problems in my adult life when I was just an average girl living in Toronto.
- Sep 4, 1989 - Jan 3, 1997
Grade 12 Half Day Gifted Visual Art: Ended Year School Swim Team MVP, Only Student to write Euclid Math Contest Test (but was told my grade was so bad I didn't get an award, so I was the highest grade at my school and the only student so there was no award), and Honor Roll Award Recipient
- Sep 7, 1998 - Jun 25, 1999
Family Moved To A Medium-Sized City in Canada called London, Ontario, Canada because of my Father's job transfer: Here I started Grade 2 (Funniest thing about London is they have a different accent than Toronto and kids made fun of my accent! lol... I remember being humiliated in grade 2 in the school yard because some kids were telling me I said the word RED funny. lol. Same thing happened when I moved back to the GTA after acquiring the London Ontario Accent, a Southern American like way of speaking)
- Aug 29, 1988
Family Moved To North York, Ontario, Canada, A Suburb of Canada's Biggest City Toronto because my Father started a New Job: Here I Started my Last Year of Highschool When Canada had Required Grade 13/OAC
- Aug 29, 1999
Family Moved to Brooklin, Ontario, Canada, A Small Town in Canada in the Greater Toronto Area While I was in University (I also got my first student apartment on Davisville but spent weekends in Brooklin, only had it 8 months thru 2 semsters.) Moving day was the day of the blackout on the eastern side of north america and with my luck the apartment I moved into was the last in North America to have power restored
- Aug 14, 2003
Graduated High School June 2000 @ Earl Haig Secondary School in North York, Ontario, Canada: A Public School in Toronto
- Jun 23, 2000
OCAD Graduation Ceremony: Awarded BDes. The only guests I Invited to the ceremony were my parents.
- May 26, 2005
Material Art & Design (Bachelor of Design Four-Year Degree)
Degree awarded May 2005.
Ellen Adams Scholarship for Textile Design awarded by Juried Competition (2003)
This was not a fashion degree.
I've never been to an OCAD Alumni Event because I've never been invited to one. After May 2004 I only took one course @ OCAD to complete my Degree and it was at the Michener Institute not on campus, Intro to Psychology in Fall 2004 while I was working full-time at TARION the new home warranty corporation,a job I started shortly after I got home from taking a course at McGill in summer 2004 as all the OCAD summer school courses were full and I was 2 short of my degree, then started at York in January 2005 in Accounting after studying a current grade 12 math textbook I took out of the library in the same building as the office I worked in to write a math test requiring an A for the program planning to get a CA then become a forensic accountant but left York in 2006 to take an MBA in Marketing at McMaster instead because I was failing the intermediate accounting course afeter getting an A in the intro course. I only completed the BDes so my other education is worthless. In the time from 2004 to 2007 I was never invited to any OCAD events, attended one open house in 2007 for nuit blanche, and otherwise only get the magazine in the mail for alumni and requests for money I don't have.
Certificates 1 & 3'10
Wilton Method of Cake Decorating
*Buttercream (including Roses)
These courses were taken @ Michael's Craft Store with women of all educational backgrounds so I was lucky to meet a group of lovely people who I would not otherwise have come into contact with in my life.
WITHDREW (IN GOOD ACADEMIC STANDING BUT WILL NOT EVER RETURN) TWICE FROM MASTER'S DEGREE BECAUSE VICTIM OF VIOLENT CRIME AND STALKING
McMaster University 2006-2009
Did NOT Complete MASTERS DEGREE because I was the victim of violent crime perpetrated by McMaster Graduates and a group of equally violent law-enforcement people who covered their crimes and did nothing but destroy my entire life so they could walk free. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS, MOST HORRIFYING PART OF MY LIFE. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THESE PEOPLE AND NEVER STOP TELLING MY STORY, MY BRIGHT FUTURE WAS STOLEN BY THESE MONSTERS. I LIVE ON DISABILITYBECAUSE I WAS A VICTIM OF CRIME AT MCMASTER AND THE SCHOOL DID NOTHING BUT REWARD THE PEOPLE WHO ABUSED ME AND DESTROY MY ENTIRE FUTURE. I PUT MY LIFE IN THE HANDS OF MCMASTER UNIVERSITY AT AGE 24 AND ALL THEY DID WAS DESTROY IT INSTEAD OF GIVE ME HOPE AND SUPPORT AND WHAT I NEEDED TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE. MY LIFE WAS GIVEN TO THEM AT 24 AND THEY DID NOTHING BUT DESTROY IT. I WAS 24 AND SENDING IN MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE BECAUSE MCMASTER MADE ME INTO A HUMAN SACRIFICE FOR PERVERTS, SADDISTS, AND SICKO PSYCHOPATHS.
Although I was hosting lots of parties and had lots of friends, after I was sexually assaulted I wasn't invited out anymore and not one person I met at McMaster invited me to be a guest at their wedding although I started out a very popular girl with lots of friends. (please note that half the MBA program was young people in their early to late 20s hanging out at grad school, the other half over 30 and in a completely different part of their lives, I started at 24 with 50 other young people my age who were also at a point in their lives where we were into partying, being young in our 20s, and having fun and did not think of each other as future colleagues but friends-forever...) Because I was sexually assaulted and stalked, I was marginalized in my mid 20s and now in my early 30s am single and disabled not married with children like I dreamed I would be when I was 24. When I was 24 I really thought that by my early 30s I'd be married with children and live in a nice house and be married to a good man who loved me and treated me with dignity and respect, I thought I would meet that man at McMaster when I was 24, (When I started I was dating a loser who couldn't possibly get into grad school himself as he only had a few undergrad courses completed by 2007 and I completed a 4-year degree in 2004, he was abusive and a con-man and McMaster was my chance to finally leave my abusive and manipulative casual weekend only boyfriend who put me down and made me feel small and stole from me and my family but I didn't realize he was stealing from my until I left broke-up with the man, I was never married to him, I never lived with him, and he actually conned people into believing I was his wife and I did not know this, I told him from the start I wouldn't marry him and I meant it. There will never be a reunion with this man, if he contacts me, my family, or anyone about me I want them to contact the police so he can be put in prison for stalking me. The idea of ever allowing that man to even touch me makes me physically sick and I never want him to meet the man I marry or my children and if he ever approaches my family I will have to call the police to have him arrested, I've had so many boyfriends in my life and I care more about some of other men, there will never be any reunion, he was not and will never be my one and only, he was only my part time weekend boyfriend and I supported myself on student loans and my parents were also supporting me any claims otherwise by any man and he is a con-person. Same with them 2 men who were investigated by police for assaulting me, that is stalking and prison is the only place all 3 belong) I really thought that McMaster University was going to make my dreams come true for me and I finally felt that after years of distress that started in my late teens due to various traumas I was where I belonged and where my future would begin, I thought I was going to meet my forever friends here and that we'd all have life-long friendships and go to each other's weddings and have kids together and take them out together, but instead I was left a victim and disposed of by the police and doctors for the freedom of violent men and equally abusive women. I will never be a survivor and always a victim of these people and pray daily they go to prison.
Additionally, although some of the graduates will end up with very well paying jobs, lots of the graduates end up in jobs paying about $45-50k upon graduation and the courses provide less education than completing an undergraduate degree in business, it's more like a way to add some business courses to your undergrad degree. What I realized is this: many of the grads because their background in like science or economics end up in grey-collar jobs, the equivalent of the factory worker in an office, and never reach the executive level where they are a decision maker rather than an information gatherer because they never specialize in anything beyond data analysis, then hand that info onto a superior with a different kind of education or experience who then makes a decision and hands it up to someone else. That's not the life I want. Although I was lucky enough to do actual case study type work on co-op in the real world just like in class using the same kinds of evaluation methods and decision matrices, (They give you a problem to read like a company wants to create a new product or is operating at a loss and tell you to come up with a solution and present it to the class with a powerpoint presentation then have a question and answer period and it's stupidity because the grads are making charts or cutting and pasting data at work or working as sales reps for pharma companies pushing drugs to hospitals or whatever) the reality is many co-ops and grads sit at long desks at the top of office towers with only a computer and chair and phone, I did that already before I was in grad school, it was awful, I saw the rooms in banking offices for recent grads when I went for interviews, they were not fancy offices but like hundreds of chairs in tiny rooms on the 50th floor like a sweat shop. One of my peers was paid to process orders all semester as a co-op student. That's not a life I could deal with in any capacity emotionally or psychologically no matter what job title they gave me.
A long time has past for me since I was an MBA student and many MBA students are very competitive, the ones looking for banking jobs more so than the ones looking for public service or retail jobs, and I know 100% that an MBA is not for me now, I actually had other students being paid more than me get jealous of my co-op job, seriously, like who gets jealous of a student of paying the equivalent hourly wage of $32,000/year? Anyways, and if you want some advice I will give you this: I started out working for a manager, then he left and I started working for his director, and by the end of 8 months I was working on projects for the director's boss the CFO, but it wasn't because I was ambitious and it wasn't because I was competitive, it was because I just said "yes" to everything I was asked to do and did what I was told and never spoke unless I was spoken to by my superiors. I didn't call up my boss to chat or knock on their door to talk about personal stuff. That's all. It's not genius, I didn't want to be fired from a student job, I didn't want to fail out of grad school for being fired from my co-op job, and I wanted good reference letters so I just did what I was told to do and never questioned it, if I was asked to call people I did or fill out spreadsheets I did or drive downtown to talk with someone and take notes about our conversation I did. I don't want to work anywhere like that again now, I did then, and really, if you are a student all you have to do is not question what you are asked to do and not be annoying or have tempertantrums when you don't get a project some other girl in the office got to work on.
McMaster University for me at 24 was supposed to be the beginning of my new life, my happily ever after, the day I got my acceptance letter to grad school was really the happiest day of my life, it was like a relief and like a dream come true, I never in a million years thought I would go to a university like McMaster let alone get into graduate school at a University like McMaster even tho my parents and grandfather and other relatives went there, when I was in high school I didn't even have grades to get into most universities. But instead of my happily ever after, instead of my dream come true, it was the nightmare that never ended, it was like a horror movie and still is like a horror movie that will never end because Satan and Satan's followers ruined it all for me. I was 24 and now I am in my early 30s and not a single one of my dreams have come true only my worst nightmares.
I didn't graduate, not even close, and that is okay with me because I am a woman and the sensitive emotional type, I am not emotionally cut out for a career working with people like this and probably not smart enough either, the men who assaulted me are a lot smarter than I am, how else do you think my life could possibly be such a disaster? I'm just not as smart as they are.
Although I did take some business courses and was given the honor of a student job as a TA for Marketing and Entrepreneurship, I'm not a marketing professional or a business woman, I only got grades high enough for a professor to trust me enough to take class attendance and use his notes and marking scheme to put checkmarks on papers for him. I'm really good at ideas and research and analyzing, at least I was before I was disabled, but I am not so good at selling because I am not the agressive type. I worked in a few office jobs but they were not in business, they were all administrative work not selling anything but looking at documents or calling people or meeting with people in person or entering data or writting reports on data collected. The only selling experience I have is in a flower shop but really I just gave a price list provided by the store owner to people. I really am not very good at selling things, that takes a certain personality type and I am not the sales-person-type. I wasn't in business school at york or at McMaster, I was in Administrative Studies and in a Masters of Business Administration, but Administration programs but business is a part of administration of anything that involves dollars. I think there is a lot of confusion over the graduate degree MBA because if you want to be a banking executive you really need a masters degree in finance which is a component of an MBA but only 1 credit of 20. I wasn't doing research in how to run a textile business in an MBA, I was learning what to do when like a multi-million or billion dollar company is in a crisis situation and losing money or looking to like increase their revenue by expanding an already large company, that is a very different thing from taking commerce to learn how to open a mom-preneur company selling cupcakes. I really do not know anything about how to set up financing or organize a small business but I can tell you ways of deciding how to save a billion-dollar organization from a major loss or strategies for how a company that already exists might surpass it's competition. I cannot tell you how to start a business, only if the idea is a good idea or a bad idea based on internal and external environmental factors and what the potential for revenue is based on provided statistics by analyzing various options thru statistical matrices assigning values to varies factors and then creating strategies for setting up a plan to move forward and implement best recommendations, ways to audit the implementation to ensure it's moving forward and contingency plans in case of potential problems. I do not know anything about setting up a small business but certainly it is a very easy thing to do, I just don't know how. I didn't study how to set up a fashion or textile business while in university, but I did participate in a group project that involved expanding an athletic company's product into men's athletic-inspired business-clothing with things like airholes and stretch because we thought it would sell, and a plan to create a textile manufaturer monitoring organization that would assess textile manufacturers around the world to prevent things like exploitation of children and plants burning down and killing people before they happen so that companies would know who they were entering into business with and be able to provide that information on to the consumer. Anyways, I don't know anything about setting up a small business.
Unfortunately I am unable to provide any advice to McMaster Business students for the rest of my life and I choose to not have any connections even tho my father is a graduate and awarded some of the top honours in Canada for his profession, I will not associate with people who treated me so badly. I don't know where my life will take me, but I know 100% that I will never allow a graduate of degroote school of business to be a part of my life socially or professionally. What happened to me while a McMaster graduate student is completely unacceptable and a crime, it had nothing to do with my being a TA for one semester clearly because that was after 2007 when the bad stuff started, the course I was a TA for required either that the student had an A in that course or an A in the equivalent MBA course, that doesn't take a genius to figure out once they pass the course. Like half the students in the class were the same age as me but still in undergrad mostly because they were so spoiled they got to play around in life while I was busy finishing my undergrad just out of highschool and I didn't have the luxury of playing around from 19-22 before going off to university, like a boy I made out with at a party when we were like 16 was in their class, they weren't children with some older girl marking their papers but spoiled even being paid more than me at their internships. If I am following anyone from the school on Behance, I didn't even read your profile and it has nothing to do with you but that you live in Ontario and I searched Ontario and clicked down the list and perhaps it would help if you provided some information as to why you are a creative professional, you see, I got into an MBA program because of the grades I achieved in 4 years of undergraduate education in art and design. I got into design school because I spent countless sleepless nights getting a portfolio together in high school gifted art then grade 13 adding more to that portfolio taking only half a course load in my last year of high school. Then 4 years of sleepless all-nighters to get thru an undergrad degree where there were only 500 admitted students first year and I was told 1/3 dropped out because they failed first year of design school and my graduating class only had 11 students in my specialization, then AFTER my undergrad was done I went into an undergraduate admin program in accounting where I stayed up all night just to get my assignments and thru my exams and didn't even sleep the night before I wrote the GMAT because I was doing the same thing to study to get the score I needed for grad school, those all nighters led to my ability to stay up all night then write an MBA exam or do a presentation, and go to bed after it was done and I repeated that same behavior while on co-op in the belief it would lead to a graduate degree and a job where I would make enough money that a good man might marry me because that is what Canada expects of women but unfortunately because of some losers it led to a complete waste of over 10 years of my life where I could have just been married to someone with 2 years of college education and a good job to support our family and I wouldn't have had any stress or anxiety in my life or student debt or worry about things I shouldn't ever have had to worry about in the first place. Because of people like you, when I was arrested in 2009 for sending the police 1000 emails begging them to find my stalker and other things, a weekend in jail was a vacation and a much needed pajama party with another girl in her 20s, seriously, I was traumatized but we sat around all weekend talking about make-up, working out, and boyfriends in pajamas and food was delivered to our door like a hotel and we had mini toothpaste and soap and clean pajamas and underwear. They don't give those to you in a dorm at a university and there definitely is no room service of scrambled eggs and cinnamon buns and laundry. If you have grandiose delusions otherwise please seek a psychiatrist.
I completed a degree in 2004 at OCAD. That is my education. That is more education than lots of people have and that is my education. Maybe I wasn't lucky enough to get a job with my degree but I will not be completing grad school, it is clearly not for me, it caused me too much stress both emotionally and financially as I had to borrow money for school and worry the whole time that I might not find work to pay it back, too much distress because although I did have a couple of professors who encouraged me for the most part I was told how I just wasn't as good as the other students causing me more emotional distress, and really if a graduate degree is something that is important to you or something you want me to do, why aren't you the one completing it and doing all the hard work for that piece of paper? I'm exhausted and poor and it did nothing for me but cause me distress and I didn't even get to graduate like all the other girls who were treated with encouragement, praise, and respect. If you want to be connected to a person with a graduate degree you need to go and get one for yourself because the distress of going into further debt in the hopes of a brighter future is not for me, I need a man who has a good job and can take care of a wife and kids, I am too sensitive and not capable of completing this type of education. If you want to help me, you need to help me find a man to marry who can support a family not pressure me to borrow more money to get more education when I am already in distress and have been in distress over borrowing money for school since the beginning.
But I think I was successful as a student on co-op compared to some of my other peers, there is only so much you can do and am proud of that, I'll porbably never work in health admin but at the time I was 100% willing to, I think part of what helped me was that I am passive not aggressive, I didn't ask for more work and I said yes to everything that was asked of me and stayed late to like 7pm to finish it if I had to or took home the laptop they gave me and finished it at my student apartment. I know the McMaster encourages students to seek out people who they want to meet to impress and introduce themselves, but I never did that, I did the opposite, I didn't even say hello to my boss or his boss unless they said hello to me first because I was raised to never speak unless spoken to by a superior. If I was called up or emailed I went but I didn't just show up at their door to say hi ever and I never emailed or called anyone unless I was told to or unless I asked if it was okay first. I really think that as a student you have to be respectful, I even like cc'd my boss on most of my emails. I don't know why McMaster teaches such disrespectful behaviours to students in their job search.
I mean really, if your boss's boss doesn't say hello, you never say a word, but if they call you by the wrong name you say hello and do not correct them no matter how many times they call you Caroline instead of Carolyn.
Please note: Although I have a Bachelor of Design from OCAD in Toronto, before being accepted into MBA studies I took a 3rd year summer school course at McGill, worked 5 months full-time for TARION in an office, enrolled at York University in bacehlor of administrative studies accounting after studying an entire grade 12 math book on my own and passing a test with an A grade, studied at York in administration at the bachelor degree level for 1.5 years including an entire first year math course, economics, accounting, and other courses, all before attempting the GMAT test. Had it not been for my time at York University there is absolutely no way I could have gotten into an MBA program right out of OCAD, International Business was something I considered studying right after high school but unfortunately after being an honor-roll student in grade 12 in Canada we had a required grade 13 to enroll in university and my family moved and I didn't do well in any of my grade 13 courses so did not have the math courses completed to apply for that program but did very well in grade 12 math. My situation is different from many of the other OCAD students and different from students who didn't have any problems in their last year of highschool before starting undergraduate degrees and never experienced any pain or struggle in their entire life just consistent rewards while moving up in the world, what is that saying? You cannot compare apples to oranges. Since we had a required grade 13 to get into university back in 1999-2000
I was a grade 12 honor roll student, changed schools because my father started a new job in a new city and my new teachers were all failing me and telling me I wasn't smart enough to get better grades, ironically the same thing happened to me at McMaster, my professors started telling me I wasn't as deserving as the other students or as intelligent.
In everything I studied in school I did not learn the very simple concept I went into an MBA program to learn: How to set up and run a business: only concepts and theories for when they already exist. Not one professor said "if you want to start a business you register it then set up your taxes and this is how you do that...".
I went to school to find work to never have to worry about money and find a good man to marry, I don't know why you abused me or what your intentions were but please never contact me McMaster.
I am opinionated, but not the type who puts up her hand in class all the time, and I've been told by peers that when I do answer I always have something meaningful to say unlike the types who answer everything in class speaking confidently but their words have little value. I wasn't the type of girl who stood out in class, I usually sat in the back of the room and took my notes and talked with peers at the break or after class and rarely ever approached a professor to ask a question after class then went home but talked with peers outside of class and had parties and went for coffee and stuff outside of school but generally was quiet at school and scared of professors just like I was always scared of teachers in grade school. I think I still have anxiety steming back to high school when my teacher told me after class that there was no way I wrote my biology paper and asked me who wrote it and told me I wasn't smart enough to write that paper and I didn't deserve an A but he was giving me an A because it was an A paper, I think I got like a C in his class by the end of the year.
In addition to my other problems, I think the biggest problem for me is that I am just not aggressive or masculine like most of the girls who go to into an MBA program, and because no matter if I put on a costume, ie. followed the school dress code and wore what they told me, or I just cannot possibly hide my personality which is beyond girly and sensitive, something masculine women can do by pretending to be girly girls more easily then girly girls pretending to be manly nerd girls. I think an MBA is a degree better suited to women who are aggressive and have lots of masculine qualities not women like my who thought it was fun to play dress up and meet a soon to be successful man and get a first job. The women who do well are the agressive masculine types not the sensitive-creative types like me.
Most young people try out lots of college and university programs in their 20s to decide what career is for them and what isn't, at 23 I decided to go to York for Accounting then at 24 to McMaster for a Master's of Business Admin after completing a Bachelor of Design, but obviously administration school was not for me, like most other students I had part-time student jobs and internships and volunteer work and co-ops, but I didn't find the role for me, some people are early bloomers and know from the start what is for them and life is easy they just keep going up in the world and by 30 are married with kids and own a house with 8 years word experience moving up, but that is rare, most of us spend a lot of time searching before we get there and things don't come easy. This program was not for me and not a good career fit for me with or without my disablities acquired while in the program. I wasn't suspended or kicked out of school: I withdrew in good academic standing.
NOTE: THIS MASTERS DEGREE HAD TO BE COMPLETED IN 8 YEARS, THE TIMEFRAME TO COMPLETE THIS DEGREE HAS EXPIRED AND MY GMAT EXPIRED IN 2011, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN PURSUING ANY OTHER EDUCATION AND AM NOW CONSIDERED A DISABLED PERSON UNLESS DOCTORS DECIDE OTHERWISE.